Social Customs: Dining Out
Know the tried and true practices of dining out.
Know the tried and true practices of dining out.
What we'll cover
Throughout history, people have gathered to dine and converse, and restaurants have been a great meeting place. According to data gathered by Toast, a restaurant point-of-service provider, 45% of surveyed diners eat out more than once a week. It makes sense to know the rules.
In this “Social Customs” guide, we’ll give you a brief overview of restaurant history. We’ll also discuss what politeness dictates for dining out, what to avoid talking about and conversational topics you know will be safe.
A brief history
In 1837, Delmonico’s opened its doors in New York City. It is widely cited as “America’s first restaurant.” The Union Oyster House in Boston, opened in 1826, is America’s longest continuously running restaurant, but Delmonico’s was the first fine-dining restaurant that compares to the restaurant dining we know today.
Delmonico’s served French cuisine and allowed diners to choose what items they wanted to eat from a menu, a new idea at the time. “A la carte” dining was unique to Delmonico’s as was the standalone nature of the restaurant. Most restaurants until the 1850s were bundled with hotel stays. Diners could eat in the restaurant, without staying at the attached hotel, but surviving menus give no idea as to price. The first American review of a restaurant (again, Delmonico’s) was published in the New York Times in 1859.
What to do
Restaurant rules change as society changes. In the 1830s, when Delmonico’s opened, men and women were barred from dining together. Now, that is no longer true. But here are some things we know continue to be applicable in the modern age.
• If you have specific food requirements, check out the menu in advance. If you have specific dietary restrictions (i.e., vegan, gluten-free, etc.), check out the menu in advance. If there isn’t anything you can eat on the menu, propose an alternate restaurant to your dining companions.
• Be on time. Arrive on time to ensure you don’t miss your reservation.
• Put your cell phone away. Put your cell phone on silent and put it in a bag or, in a pinch, facedown on the table. By not getting distracted by your phone, you are letting your fellow diners know that they are your priority for the duration of the meal.
• Mind your manners. A business dinner is a formal occasion that requires formal manners. Wait til everyone’s food has arrived before digging in. Keep your elbows off the table. Chew with your mouth closed.
• Order mindfully. When dining out with others, it is important to order mindfully. If you are dining with someone you don’t know well, you may want to avoid the menu’s messier items. But if you are eating out with a close friend, ordering the messiest burger may be appropriate. If you need to ask for several substitutions to an entree, consider ordering something which will require fewer changes. Give the server the information they need when you order (i.e., if you need a refill on a drink, etc.) to prevent the server from having to swing by your table multiple times.
• Be kind to the waitstaff. Be pleasant to the waitstaff, not just to those with whom you are dining. If there is something wrong with your meal, tell the server in a polite fashion. If you need to get the server’s attention, gesture with a hand (rather than, say, with your glass or a utensil). If you need to add something to your order, be sure to tell your server, rather than another waiter on the floor.
• Don’t overdo it. Be mindful if you’re ordering alcohol. Overindulging in alcohol could embarrass yourself and those around you.
• Don’t stack plates. It may feel polite to begin to bus the table for your server, but they likely have a system they use to clear a table. Don’t cause more work for the server by stacking your plates. Let them decide how they want to clear.
• Tip well, and keep check splitting reasonable. Depending on a restaurant’s point-of-service system, splitting a check can be complicated. If you are dining out with a large group, consider putting the entire bill on one card and paying that person back via Venmo, PayPal or another digital wallet app. And no matter who is paying, be sure to tip at least 20%.
One question many diners have is, “should I wait for everyone to be served before I dig in?” This depends on the type of restaurant you are in and the group with which you are dining. Many restaurants—especially those that specialize in “small plates” style dining—will instruct you at the top of the meal that items will continue to come to the table throughout the course of the meal. In this instance, it may be appropriate to dive in while the food is hot. When in doubt, ask your fellow diners if it is okay to begin.
What not to say
Restaurant dinner conversations should follow the usual rules of good conversation. If you are with a close friend, you’ll talk about things that you wouldn’t discuss with an acquaintance. If you are getting dinner in a restaurant filled with children, avoid foul language. But no matter what, there are some topics of which you should steer clear.
“That night, we went back to my place and…”
Why it doesn't work: Although the details of your sex life are perhaps interesting to your best friend, they may be off-putting to your fellow restaurant-goers. Keep R-rated talk for your house or another appropriate venue.
“It was disgusting. The boil was enormous.”
Why it doesn't work: Whether you are in medical school or just have come down with an unpleasant skin condition, avoid speaking of bodily matters when dining out. Even if your dining companion has an iron stomach, the people around you likely do not.
“Don’t tell this to anyone, but…”
Why it doesn't work: If you want to keep a secret, talking about it within a crowded restaurant is likely the wrong move. If something needs to be kept private between you and someone else, it is better to discuss it in a less public locale.
What to say
If you are out to eat with close friends, you likely don’t need conversational topics to fall back on. But if you’re getting your first meal with an acquaintance, here are some reliable standbys.
• The food. If you love the food you are eating or just love to cook, talking about food in a restaurant setting is always appropriate. What do you like about the meal you’re eating? What’s the best meal you’ve ever had? What other restaurants do you like in town? Any of this is good fodder for conversation.
• Local landmarks and activities. If you don’t know your dining companion well, you’ll still likely know their hometown. If they live in town, discussing cultural events that are happening near you is a great conversation starter. If they are from out-of-town, sharing local history and information is a great way to give them ideas for their stay and give them a bit of local color.
• Sports, TV and movies. Pop culture is a standby conversational topic for a reason. Most people watch TV or go to the movies occasionally. Talking about your favorite movies, the best new TV show you’ve seen or how your local sports team is doing will get the conversation ball rolling.
The gut check
Keep your company in mind. Tailor the conversation (and location) to the people with whom you’re dining. Arrive on time. Turn your cellphone off. Don’t be rude to the waitstaff. Tip well.
Checklist
✔ Check out the menu in advance, if you have dietary needs
✔ Arrive on time
✔ Put your cell phone away
✔ Mind your manners
✔ Order with your fellow diners in mind
✔ Don’t overdo it, if indulging in alcohol
✔ Be kind to the waitstaff
✔ Don’t stack plates
✔ Tip well
✔ If splitting the check, do so in a way that is not burdensome to the staff