Connection Style Guide: The Cultivator
Loyal and dependable, Cultivators are a solid friend and companion in life.
Loyal and dependable, Cultivators are a solid friend and companion in life.
About the Cultivator
The Cultivator strives to nurture deep and long-lasting relationships. You are loyal and reliable, taking time to see and respond to the needs of your loved ones in practical ways. You spend time on valued relationships rather than seeking out new and shiny people to occupy your time. You are a good listener who treats the words of your loved ones with true consideration. You are seen by others as a steadfast and committed friend who cares deeply about those you love.
You may struggle, however, to put words to your own feelings or make new connections. You may fear saying the wrong thing or offering help your loved ones don’t need. Stepping outside of your comfort zone may cause some anxiety or trepidation. When facing new situations, you may focus on the potential negative, rather than the potential positive outcomes.
The Cultivator’s loyalty and care ensure they will be a valued old friend, a favored relative and a committed romantic companion.
Strengths
— Cultivators are loyal. They are willing to work on the relationships important to them and value the people they have in their life.
— Cultivators are considerate. They respect the time and feelings of those in their life. This consideration makes them good listeners.
Hurdles
— Because Cultivators value one-on-one relationships, they tend to follow the needs of others and bottle up their own needs, to their detriment. Loved ones may find they need to really tug out information about a Cultivator’s needs.
— Cultivators struggle with establishing boundaries due to their tendency to pour into others.
— They don’t need to, but a Cultivator may struggle with broadening their connections, even if it would be in their best interest.
Areas of Life
Our categories help define how we interact with the world. Rather than define our relationships either romantically or through friendships, we have created an expansive system focused on all areas of a person’s life, from their interactions at work to how they create their chosen families and participate in their broader communities.
FAMILY
Those closest to us, connected either through blood or through choice
Cultivators may have a family or a chosen family. What is most important to them is the trust they hold with those family members. A family with no trust is no family at all. In more difficult family dynamics, Cultivators may have one-on-one experiences with individual family members which differ from the larger, overall family dynamic. This helps them see and experience the world through the other person’s life, ultimately helping to improve the overall familial dynamic.
HEALTH
How our interactions with other people can affect our mental and physical health
Without boundaries, a Cultivator may feel depleted by their interactions with others. Their tendency to pour so much into other people may leave them vulnerable to diminished mental and physical health. Working on their connections helps them survive, quite literally. Being present helps them feel more connected to the other person and the larger world. Establishing healthy boundaries can help a Cultivator maintain their health while giving of themselves to others.
CAREER
How we choose to show up in places of work and responsibility
Developing strong or close relationships are not necessarily important to Cultivators. It may be rare for a Cultivator to develop such a relationship in a work environment. If they do form a strong bond with someone at work, it would be in spite of, not because, they work together. Cultivators may have difficulty initiating or reaching out to coworkers, although they will talk with others when necessary and due to the circumstances. Despite this, cultivators take pride in their work (much like they take pride in the strength of their relationships). They are dependable and hardworking, like they are in other areas of their life.
FRIENDSHIP
Best friends, good friends and the acquaintances in our lives
The Cultivator’s focus on an individual means they tend to have long, firmly rooted relationships. Long periods of silence in a friendship won’t diminish its value for a Cultivator. They tend to avoid bringing in new friends and are discerning with their friendships. It is rare for Cultivators to have acquaintances; there is no need to maintain insubstantial relationships.
Like all Connection Styles, it is important for Cultivators to show up for others. They do this by prioritizing one-on-one time, creating a safer space for making a deeper connection. Cultivators value memory-sharing. They remember the details, and they value the details for what they imply about the history and depth of a connection.
UNDERCURRENTS
The subconscious things we experience when communicating with and navigating the world
Other types will see and value Cultivators for their reliable, dependable presence. Being present and in the moment makes Cultivators feel closer to their chosen connections. Cultivators are willing to be silent, not judgemental on the surface and let others open up. Others may find them to be a good listener compared to some other Connection Styles.
Others believe Cultivators know who they are and what they like. They believe Cultivators have a strong sense of self, even if Cultivators don’t always feel that way. Other people value a Cultivator’s loyalty and know they can count on them during the hard moments.
ROMANCE
How we choose to show up for those we date, love and marry
Cultivators approach their romantic relationships in the same way they approach other types of relationships. They express their interest through talking to someone and caring about what they say. Trust is critical, both physically and emotionally. A person has to feel like they could be part of a Cultivator’s “family” in order for the relationship to last. If the connection is secure, they will want to and actively be more open compared to other relationships. Communication is vital.
COMMUNITY
Our neighbors, our towns and our larger communities
Cultivating stronger relationships with a broader community may not have been important to a Cultivator in the past, but it may become more important to them as they mature. Cultivators may value knowing who is around them or who exists in the world, even if they are not close to them. This can be an issue of “safety,” both for themselves and the people they care most about in their lives. Like with other relationships, Cultivators will be consistent with how and when they show up for their larger community.
EDUCATION
How we discover, process and learn in the world
Continuing to learn things helps Cultivators connect to other people, even on things they don’t know much about. Cultivators are good at meeting people where they are and they do this through how they communicate. If something piques their curiosity, learning can be a fulfilling experience, one that will help them enrich or deepen their connection to people they value.
SPIRITUALITY
The communities we form and interact with through our spiritual practices
Like their interest in broader communities, a Cultivator’s spirituality may become more important as they get older. In general, Cultivators interested in growth will value connecting on a broader scale than what they may have done in the past. This can apply to their spirituality. If a Cultivator finds a person or persons they trust, their interest in a spiritual community can grow. Choosing the right people makes all the difference.
COMMUNICATION
The ways in which we consciously or unconsciously choose to articulate
By learning how to be forthcoming, even when it’s hard and their instincts say not to burden other people, Cultivators can actually heal, improve and grow in their lives. It may take a Cultivator a longer time to confront someone, maybe even months. Working through what to say with another person before having the confrontation may be beneficial. With new boundaries and practices, the Cultivator’s relationships can turn into a healthier give and take.