How to Admit When You're Wrong
Admitting you’re wrong is difficult, but it’s also an opportunity to build trust in your relationships.
Admitting you’re wrong is an opportunity to build trust.
Accepting when you are wrong can be difficult—you may feel defensive, embarrassed or unsure how to broach the subject. But digging your heels in can hurt your relationships and undermine the trust you share with others. As you move through this discomfort, admitting you’re wrong can be an opportunity to make amends, learn something new and reconnect with others.
Here, we’ll break down what to do and what not to do when you find yourself in the wrong.
What to do
Most people struggle with acknowledging wrongdoing because it’s uncomfortable. You may worry about losing respect or revealing a personality flaw. This discomfort is so common, there’s a psychological term for it: cognitive dissonance, a stage of “mental discomfort” that describes when multiple thoughts (about ideas, beliefs or understanding of behavior, for example) conflict or contradict with each other. But rather than leaning on defensiveness, you can work towards repair.
First
The most important thing you can do is acknowledge your error. This is often the most difficult part because we must set aside our ego and our desire to be correct. By setting these aside, we show that the relationship is more important than proving a point. Keep it simple with phrases like, “Now that I’ve thought a bit more, I’ve realized I was wrong to do that.”
Second
After you admit you’re wrong, you may be tempted to skip an apology. But research from the journal Frontiers in Psychology shows that apologies increase empathy, forgiveness and gratitude in injured parties. If your words or behavior were hurtful, offer a sincere apology. An apology shows that you understand and regret the impact of your actions and that you are willing to take responsibility for your behavior.
Third
Discuss your plan for future behavior, which describes how you will handle events differently moving forward. Your plan should do two things. First, identify the events and emotions that led to you acting in a hurtful or stubborn manner. Then, articulate your plan for coping with those events and behaviors in a more productive way. This may sound like, “When I feel stubborn, it’s a sign I need to step away and reflect” or “Next time we talk about my mom, I plan to use more patience.”
What not to do
The most important thing you can do is acknowledge your error. This is often the most difficult part because we must set aside our ego and our desire to be correct. By setting these aside, we show that the relationship is more important than proving a point. Keep it simple with phrases like, “Now that I’ve thought a bit more, I’ve realized I was wrong to do that.”
Next
When we make excuses or shift blame onto others, we’re showing that we are not ready to be accountable or honest. If you often make excuses for your behavior, try pausing and thinking carefully before saying anything. Ask yourself, is this a fact or feeling? Am I taking responsibility for my actions? Then, move the conversation forward with the facts of your actions, rather than excuses.
Finally
When you hurt others with your behavior or words, it’s not enough to just admit you were wrong and apologize. Amends come after an apology and dictate your future behavior — they are how you show you are sorry in your actions. Amends often look like changed behavior, honoring a loved one’s new boundary or developing new coping skills.
Summary
Once you get past the discomfort of admitting when you are wrong, you may find it becomes easier with practice. Most importantly, your loved ones will learn that they can trust you to right a wrong.
— When you’re wrong, acknowledge your error.
— Consider if an apology is needed
— Discuss your plan for future behavior
— Avoid defensiveness and excuses
— Amends: show you understand your mistake with changed behavior