How to Be a Better Listener
To truly hear a person is to see them, and the best way to do that is through actively, rather than passively, listening.
To truly hear a person is to see them.
Consider this scenario: one day, your good friend reaches out to tell you that they’ve been having a difficult time at work. What should you do? First and foremost, practice deep, empathetic listening. Your friend needs a kind ear, not an abundance of advice. Refine your listening skills to nurture your relationships.
What to do
Make sure you’ve got enough time to listen to them speak. If you are currently preoccupied, tell them how much time you’ll need before you can engage. And once you’ve completed your previous task, remove or put away any potential distractions (like a cell phone) to focus on the conversation.
Before the conversation begins, resolve to not interrupt the speaker. The only good time to interrupt is if you need clarification about something that is being said.
Next, listen mindfully. Be present and in the moment. Remain open minded. Make eye contact, nod and acknowledge you are listening to what is being said. Notice what the other person is doing while speaking.
What to say
The best way to be an active listener is to be a reflective listener. According to authors Neil Katz and Kevin McNulty, who wrote about reflective listening in the book Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills, reflective listening is “hearing and understanding, and then letting the other [person] know that [they are] being heard and understood.”
Many people’s natural instinct is to fill in silence, but that is not necessary for most conversations. Honor what has been said and take time for contemplation. Respond with empathy, then dig deeper. Thank them for expressing their vulnerability to you. Validate, rather than try to change, their feelings.
What not to say
There is no one way to be there for other people. And likewise, there is no one way to respond in a conversation.
Focusing on your reaction—rather than the speaker—prevents you from truly hearing what they are saying. You may misinterpret their thoughts or miss key contextual information. You may say something that is offensive or confusing. This is not listening. This is responding.
Did they ask for advice? If not, don’t offer it. Instead, ask them what they need from you. That is key to becoming a better listener.
Summary
If you’re still confused, remember these quick and easy tips:
— Restate what is being said.
— Summarize their feelings.
— Encourage their discussion.
— Pause to understand.
— Reflect on what has been said.
— Validate their emotions.
Remember that every person and situation is distinct. What worked for one person in the past may not work for another person in the present. People are not looking for a problem solver or a fixer, but instead a dependable source of comfort. That can be you. Don’t take the role lightly.