How to Be an Ally
Being an ally is a lifelong journey of listening, caring and taking action.
Being an ally is a lifelong journey of listening, caring and taking action.
Anyone can be an ally. An ally is someone who stands up and advocates for others, particularly those who are not like themselves. As Nova Reid, public speaker and writer, says in her book The Good Ally, anti-racist work has four key stages: Listening, unlearning, re-learning and responsive action.
Anti-racist work is part, but not all of allyship. But these four stages are a good way to understand allyship, generally. Allyship is about standing with any community of which you, yourself, are not personally a member. Being an ally means having the strength, resilience and humility to acknowledge when you are wrong, to learn things you didn't know and to act on that new knowledge.
True allyship
Allyship can take many forms, both large and small. Sometimes, when we think of “being an ally,” we imagine larger-than-life figures. But allyship is more frequently seen in small actions.
For example, if you notice women are frequently stuck taking notes in work meetings while their male coworkers are given room to speak freely, a male ally may offer to take notes. Small actions are at the core of being an ally. Allyship is about both making space for others and choosing to embody one’s values.
Allyship can also include speaking up. For example, if someone makes a racist “joke,” saying, “That joke isn’t OK” is allyship. It can be uncomfortable to tell others that they are doing something harmful. Allyship is frequently uncomfortable.
As the University of Kansas Community Tool Box says, “And like almost anything else, being an ally is a skill. Although being an ally often comes quite naturally, you can learn how to be an ally; and the more you do it the better you get at it.”
Allyship is not about being the hero. Performative allyship is more about the person performing it, than about benefiting others. Let your actions speak for you, and you’ll avoid being a performative ally.
What to do
Become a better ally by building connections. As the Community Toolbox says, “Each person needs to know they matter—friendship is one the most powerful tools we have to communicate that.” By being kind and making friends, you are on the journey to being an ally.
Allyship is about listening. Listen when others speak to you about their experiences. If your friend’s negative experiences were caused by someone who looks like you or comes from a similar background, it may be uncomfortable to hear. Push through that discomfort. Be an active listener. Validate, rather than try to change, their feelings on their experience.
Read and learn about experiences that don’t match your own. Use the local library to educate yourself on the history, culture and stories of others, ideally written by people of those communities. Ask your local librarian for help or see if the library provides recommended reading lists. Libraries often put together lists of recommended books on particular subjects, like this Los Angeles Public Library list for Native American Heritage Month or this list of adult fiction put together for Pride Month by the Columbus Metropolitan Library.
Accept yourself. We’ve all caused harm to others. By accepting your past and forgiving yourself, you are better able to see the work you need to do moving forward. Reflect on what may have driven you to take the actions you did in the past.
What not to do
Being an ally is long, hard work. Be kind to yourself as you navigate your place in the world. Be open to the possibility that, even as you start this work, you might mess up.
Remember to engage in “active listening.” Ask questions if you don’t understand something. If you want to be clear you understood something, repeat it back: “What I am hearing you say is… Is that correct?”
Don’t try to be perfect. Perfectionism is about shame and shame often makes us avoid our own feelings. To be a good ally, you need to be honest with yourself about your faults, but also your strengths.
Summary
Remember that being an ally is a lifelong journey. Being an ally starts from a place of kindness and understanding—for ourselves, for those who we want to stand up for and for the world in which we live. By being kind to ourselves and others, we can begin a journey towards being an ally.
There are a few keys you need to remember as you begin your journey to becoming a person who regularly practices vulnerability.
— Listening carefully is the first step towards being an ally.
— Being an ally can be about taking action or stepping back.
— Learn about other cultures and perspectives to better broaden your view of the world.
— Reflect on your own biases and prejudices, think of what caused them.
— Accept yourself, both your strengths and weaknesses—allies are resilient.