How to Forgive
Learn how to let go and forgive.
Learn how to let go and forgive.
There are many reasons why a person might feel hurt or disrespected by someone else. Maybe your trust has been betrayed by a spouse, or you were bullied as a child in school. Other times, people might have just been plain old rude or insensitive. However, learning how to forgive is an important part of navigating relationships in adulthood.
What is forgiveness?
Therapist and mental health coach Christine Smith, MSW, defines forgiveness simply as the process of healing painful emotions. “Forgiveness allows you to heal strong emotions and potentially change the way you are interacting with someone or yourself,” Smith says.
If you are looking to continue or strengthen a relationship with another person, learning the art of forgiveness is imperative. Studies show there are many health benefits to letting go of the pain and embracing forgiveness. Research from the American Psychological Association suggests learning how to forgive can reduce anxiety, depression and psychological disorders. A 2017 study published in the journal The Lancet found a connection between stress and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How to forgive
Forgiving someone means letting go of the negative emotions associated with them and the harm they caused, whether they deserve it or not. A 2018 study of Chinese students found that students who did less ruminating (that is, running negative thoughts back over and over again in their heads) had an easier time cultivating forgiveness for others and themselves.
Smith says the first step on the path to forgiveness is checking in with yourself and seeing how your feelings are serving you. “Do a serious pro and con list of forgiveness with this person or yourself–you might find that you would like to do the work to enhance that relationship, or you might find you would rather distance yourself,” says Smith.
The REACH Model
The REACH Model is a five-step process for modeling forgiveness, created by retired psychologist Everett Worthington. These five steps are:
— Recall the hurt: Acknowledge that you have been hurt or done wrong, but also decide that payback isn’t the answer.
— Empathize with your partner: Worthington suggests an exercise where you visualize the other person sitting across from you in a chair. Tell that person how you feel, and when done, put yourself in their spot, and respond with possible reasons why you could have done wrong or caused harm.
— Altruistic gift: When you decide to forgive, understand that you are essentially giving the other person a gift, one you likely received during your own lifetime. Think about a time when you were forgiven and how much better you felt after receiving that forgiveness.
— Commit: Worthington’s process suggests writing a note or “certificate of forgiveness” to the offender, perhaps in your journal or on a piece of paper, to “help the forgiveness last.”
— Hold onto forgiveness: Keep the memory (the written note) and the reason behind your decision to forgive. It’s natural for anger and resentment to pop up, but reminding yourself that you’ve forgiven the person or situation will keep you from falling back into old thinking patterns and unhelpful emotions.
Summary
When trying to forgive someone, always remember to:
— Take inventory of your emotions, and get clear about why you should forgive.
— Try to empathize and see things from the other point of view. Journaling is a great way to build up empathy.
— Make the decision to give the gift of forgiveness, and remember how freeing it is when others forgive you.