How to Have a Healthy Confrontation
Learn how to maintain relationships, even when in conflict.
Learn how to maintain relationships, even when in conflict.
Problems arise in every relationship, whether it’s with a romantic partner, friend or family member. You might want to address these problems with your loved ones but worry that it may be awkward or ruin your relationship. This guide will show you the best way to have a healthy confrontation that addresses issues in a constructive, respectful way.
Why it's important
If you have a problem with a loved one, you might be tempted to keep the peace and avoid saying anything to address it. However, it’s important to confront loved ones about issues, such as feeling hurt by something they’re saying or doing, being bothered by a past interaction or having your boundaries violated. Learning how to discuss problems constructively is an important part of any relationship. Research shows that asserting negative reactions to a partner or friend’s actions is related to more popularity and dating skills, but also related to less loneliness and depression/anxiety. Look at confrontations as opportunities to learn more about each other, to express your needs and come to new understandings with your loved ones.
What to do
Before confronting your loved one, plan ahead by thinking about your goals. Ask yourself these questions: What do I want to get out of this confrontation? Do I want them to stop doing something? Do I want them to do more of something else? Do I want them to hear how I feel about a situation? Do I want them to react differently in the future? Picture the best outcome of this confrontation, including how you want it to go and what you want to change.
Then, use a collaborative approach. If you treat them like they’re your enemy, the confrontation may turn into an argument that isn’t constructive. Remind yourself of how you love each other and where this person may be coming from. Practice thinking about the situation from their point of view and validate their feelings or choices. Empathy goes a long way here and will encourage your loved one to listen more openly if they feel heard themselves.
Finally, prepare what you’re going to say in the confrontation. Write down your goals for the conversation and how you would phrase it to your loved one. Practicing with another friend or neutral third party can help clarify what you want to say and get the initial jitters out.
What not to do
Many people confront their loved ones in the heat of the moment or when they’re feeling especially angry. However, confronting someone out of anger is a bad idea as the other person may feel defensive and less willing to compromise. One study showed that people are viewed more poorly if they confront someone aggressively, even if they are standing up for themselves against really offensive comments. Wait until you have had time to cool off before confronting your loved one.
Avoid making vague or qualifying statements (e.g. “This really isn’t a big deal” or “I’m sorry for even bringing this up”). These kinds of statements can weaken your argument. Make sure you identify and write down clear goals for the conversation, such as a concrete, specific request.
What to say
Having a clear framework for what you will say during the confrontation will increase the chances that it’ll go well. The “DEAR MAN” skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy provides a great framework for a healthy confrontation and breaks down what to say when you are making a request or asserting a boundary. The “DEAR” is an acronym for the different parts:
— Describe the situation clearly and objectively. Start the confrontation with laying out the facts of the situation or behavior without judgment so both of you are on the same page with what problem you’re addressing.
— Express your feelings and opinions about this situation or behavior you just described. Say how it made you feel about them, yourself or the relationship.
— Assert yourself. This is the meat of the confrontation. Remember the goal you identified in advance, whether it’s asking your loved one to do something more, do something less, listen to how you feel or react differently in the future. Make this request clear and concrete.
— Reinforce them if they agree to your request. Clarify or offer a way they would benefit from doing what you asked. This benefit could be as simple as saying how it will make you feel better/more trusting/comfortable around them. You can also offer them something in return, like agreeing to one of their requests.
An example of the DEAR MAN skill could sound like: “(D)The last two times we had dinner plans, you arrived thirty minutes late. (E) When you came late, it made me feel a little sad and angry because I felt devalued, as if I’m not worth your time. (A) The next time we go to dinner, can you please arrive on time or a few minutes early? (R) If you do, we’ll feel less rushed during the dinner, and it’ll make me feel so appreciated.”
Summary
— Plan for the confrontation by identifying your goals, approach it collaboratively, and practice with others first.
- Avoid confronting your loved one aggressively, angrily or vaguely.
- Use the DEAR MAN skill to frame what you will say during the confrontation.
It can be difficult to confront a friend, romantic partner or family member, but it is healthy for you in the long run. You are valuing yourself by asserting your needs and are building a foundation of mutual trust and understanding in your relationships.