How to Have a Heart-to-Heart Talk
Having difficult conversations can be nerve-wracking, but there are ways to make heart-to-heart talks go smoothly.
Difficult conversations can be nerve-wracking, but here are some tips.
A heart-to-heart talk is a conversation in which two or more people have a discussion, usually focused on their feelings about a topic or issue. According to Racine R. Henry, Ph.D., a professor at Northwestern University’s Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program, there are many reasons one might avoid having a heart-to-heart conversation. “We avoid confrontation either because we have trouble handling conflict or because we don’t trust ourselves to control the intensity of our anger and/or reaction,” Henry says.
Here are a few tips on making serious conversations with loved ones go smoothly.
What to do
In its most basic form, a heart-to-heart can be defined as an open and honest conversation between two people. There are many reasons one might need to have a heart-to-heart talk with a friend or loved one. Some talks can’t be avoided. Having a serious conversation can be daunting and if it is not conducted with the right tone, words and intention, you risk possibly alienating or driving your loved one away if you offend them.
Henry suggests conducting heart-to-heart talks when both parties are calm. If you are upset about something, it can be tempting to want to confront the person right then and there, but try to wait until cooler heads prevail. Having a serious conversation in the heat of the moment might give way to saying or doing things you don’t mean or might regret later.
Conduct heart-to-heart talks in person, when possible, so you may see and hear each other’s tone and body language. If you have any doubts about your safety during this talk, a phone call, email, or text can suffice.
What to say
Before sitting down for a difficult conversation, consider the issue and your hope for its outcome. For instance, are you worried about this person? Did something happen, and now you are seeking an apology? Or are you the one apologizing?
Use “I” statements (like “I’m feeling underappreciated”) to effectively communicate your feelings through first-person pronouns. The American Psychological Association says that “I” statements put ownership of an issue on the speaker, rather than the person they are speaking to, which can help the listener in not feeling blamed for the problem at hand. “If a person feels offended they stop listening and nothing gets accomplished,” says Henry.
A study from the journal “PeerJ” shows this is an effective way of solving conflict because it allows you to express your emotions clearly, reduce/mitigate stress, build self-esteem, promote trust in relationships, and help prevent conflict.
What not to say
Don’t jump to conclusions or “listen ahead” of what the other person is saying. Use active listening skills like repeating back what has just been said to you without assumptions or adding in your opinion or counter argument. A study published by the Electronic Physician Journal defines active listening as the process of listening for the feelings, intent and content of the other listener.
Henry suggests avoiding cursing, name calling or insults. “You can write down what you want to say and even practice the confrontation with someone you trust in order to be sure of what you want to say,” adds Henry.
Summary
If you’re nervous about your heart-to-heart talk, remember these quick and easy tips:
— Know and understand what you want to discuss
— Think about your desired outcome
— Choose a neutral setting for the discussion
— Use “I” statements to help convey your point
— Remain calm and respectful with your language and approach
— Don’t assume you know how they think or feel
After your heart-to-heart talk, space may be needed from both parties, so take the time to process the conversation.