How to Keep in Touch Regularly
Make friendship a priority by staying in touch.
Make friendship a priority by staying in touch.
"We should hang out" is a phrase many of us have said more than once. But then we forget, and dinner never quite materializes. Maintaining friendships as an adult is no easy feat and it’s not just you facing these issues—adult friendships have their own unique challenges.
Why it’s hard to keep in touch
Remember: you're not alone. According to a 2021 report from the Survey Center on American Life, nearly 47% of Americans reported losing touch with friends during the pandemic. Adults, in general, face a steep climb when it comes to friendship. As University of Maryland professor Marisa G. Franco told radio station WBUR, "Sociologists have kind of identified the ingredients that need to be in place for us to make friends organically, and they are continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability." As a result, it is relatively easy to make and maintain friendships in childhood and adolescence. Adults, on the other hand, need to create moments where friendship can bloom.
Types of communication
In her work on long-distance friendships, doctoral candidate Lindsay F. Kelpinski separates communication into two categories: synchronous and asynchronous.
Synchronous communication requires both participants to communicate at the same time (ie. a phone call, FaceTime or in-person interaction). Asynchronous communication only needs one participant available (ie. letters, texts or social media posts).
All are valid methods of communication. But synchronous communication is considered richer and deeper due to the instant feedback one receives and the ability to organically pivot or deepen the conversation. Certain conversational markers like non-verbal feedback (ie. tone of voice) aren’t present in asynchronous communication. It isn't the frequency of communication that matters; it is the richness of that communication.
How to keep in touch
Make friendship maintenance a priority. Scheduling friendship can feel awkward, but it is important to shake off self-consciousness. A 2009 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships revealed those who thought friendship was down to luck were lonelier in the long term. Adult friendships are intentional. Planned events, like monthly book club meetings or dinner parties, are a great way to keep friendships active.
Balance forms of communication and focus on synchronous communication methods. For long-distance friends, some bonding (like participating in a shared hobby) may not be possible. Other friendship maintenance practices, like long phone calls or gift giving, can strengthen your bond. Reiterate to your friends how important they are. Geographical distance doesn’t have to create emotional distance. Let your friends into your inner life.
What not to do
The biggest mistake one can make in maintaining friendships is leaving things up to chance. Relying on "bumping into" someone isn’t viable. Focus your energy on scheduling, planning and making time for friends.
Don’t be too reliant on lean or asynchronous methods of communication. Social media and texting are good for a quick check-in, but neither offer opportunities for long, involved chats. Make sure to mix up communication methods that allow for richer conversation.
Summary
— Adult friendships need to be deliberate, not left to luck.
— Prioritize in-person interactions, phone calls and other forms of communication with a live back-and-forth.
— Value quality over quantity. Friendships are flexible and benefit from openness.
Adult friendships are complicated and need to be a priority to flourish. Friendships require a variety of tactics to begin, to be maintained, and to flourish.