How to Make a Chosen Family
Families can exist beyond blood relatives. We explain how to make yours.
Families can exist beyond blood relatives. We explain how to make yours.
Family is traditionally thought of as people who are biologically related—including parents, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. But family doesn’t have to include any of the above or biological relations at all. A family can include any individuals who love, respect and support one another, regardless of their blood lineage.
What is a "chosen family"
According to the nonprofit organization Family Equality, the concept of a chosen family stems from the “historical ostracization and mistreatment of LGBTQ+ people” who have “turn[ed] to chosen family for social support, identity affirmation, care, stable housing, and tangible aid after their families of origin reject them.” The organization emphasizes that, “Although chosen families are common in the LGBTQ+ community, the concept isn’t limited to LGBTQ+ folks.”
Beyond people who are not accepted by their kin due to bigotry, individuals also commonly embrace a chosen family if their biological family members have passed away or they grew up estranged from their blood relations. In these cases, a chosen family provides the love and support one would traditionally find in a biological family.
What to do
The beauty of a chosen family is that its creation is entirely up to you. Asking yourself what you want and need out of familial bonds is a great place to start when building your chosen family. Envision the qualities of your ideal family and think about what kind of support you need, then evaluate if you have any current relationships you would like to strengthen, growing them from friendship-like bonds to family-like bonds.
If you don’t have pre-established friendships to nurture into family-like bonds, embrace social situations in which you can make new connections to potentially grow. Signing up for social activities, attending community events, and even striking up conversation at the grocery store or gym are all great ways to make new connections.
For both new and old friends, be purposeful in nourishing these relationships as you form your chosen family. After all, strong bonds are what keep a family connected. For in-depth tips on how to do this, read our tips on How to Nourish Friendships.
Keep in mind that establishing these deep, meaningful bonds isn’t an overnight endeavor — it will take time to foster your chosen family, but operating with intention and purpose is essential to forming the right family for you and your chosen family members.
What not to do
Don’t force bonds with people for the sake of creating a chosen family. Choosing people to be a part of your family should be done with significant thought and intention. Your goal is to foster lasting, meaningful connections with people who love and support you unconditionally. You don’t want to pick just anyone for this important role in your life.
You also don’t want to come on too strong and scare off someone who could be a wonderful addition to your circle. Let your bonds progress naturally — be intentional about nourishing your relationships without being overbearing. The healthiest relationships are those that aren’t forced but develop at their own pace. Remember: meaningful bonds aren’t established overnight.
What to say
Again, you don’t want to come on too strong and scare people off with the immediate admission that you’re trying to assemble a chosen family — for most, that’s likely an overwhelming statement to absorb. Instead, routinely check in on how your potential chosen family members are doing. Ask about what’s going on in their lives, and try to make plans to meet up in-person at least once every week or two. Establish yourself as a reliable and caring companion, and your bond will naturally progress into a strong, supportive, dependable relationship.
Summary
Many people create a chosen family for themselves when they don’t have a biological family to lean on for love and support. To foster your own chosen family:
— Seek out people who possess the qualities you appreciate in a family member
— Nurture your relationships to grow and maintain your bonds
— Remember that establishing meaningful bonds takes time
— Don’t force relationships for the sake of assembling a chosen family
— Let your relationships progress naturally
— Establish yourself as a reliable, caring presence in your chosen family’s lives as well