How to Navigate a Changing Relationship
The reasons we start friendships, the things that end them and how you can talk about it.
Explore the reasons we start friendships and the things that end them.
Relationships, and the social support they provide, contribute to individual health and wellbeing. But relationships change. A best friendship can become strained and a loose connection can blossom into a close relationship. Here, we’ll discuss what can cause changes and how to weather them.
What it is
Relationships change for many reasons. But, why do they begin? No matter your age, the biggest determinant in a relationship is proximity. You are more likely to befriend a neighbor than someone across the globe.
Values and mindset also affect a relationship. Beginning in adolescence, we choose friends based on shared values and attitudes. Some believe that relationships can't change ("people can't change”). Others subscribe to "growth belief," which says that relationships are malleable. Those who believe in growth theory are better able to deepen relationships, even during strife.
Sham Friends
Unfortunately, we’re not always the best at knowing our true friends. In a study published in the journal PLOS ONE, researchers asked a group of people to score their level of friendship with other participants. The results showed half of all relationships from the study were non-reciprocal. (e.g., A said B was their friend, but B's worksheet did not list A as a friend.)
What to do
NOTE: These tips are not for those in abusive relationships. If you are or think you may be in an abusive relationship, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
There are several things you can do to create change in your relationship. The best and most effective way is to have a healthy confrontation.
But there are also other changes that you can make alone. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology analyzed relationships by goals and responsiveness. Goals are defined as what one wants in the relationship. Responsiveness is the ability of your partner to listen to and respond to your needs.
Having compassionate goals (ie, "I want to help X feel better") rather than self-image goals (ie, "I want to be seen helping X feel better") improved relationships. These compassionate goals even helped people see their partners are more responsive.
What not to do
Don't keep a lid on your feelings. Once you've gathered your thoughts, have a conversation or healthy confrontation with your friend or loved one. Do not let resentment build.
Be honest with yourself and your friend. Look at your own behavior too. Be honest if something needs to change. For example, does work stress make you perceive your friend as uncaring? Could something outside your relationship be affecting it?
Be kind. Give yourself and your friend the benefit of the doubt.
What to say
Once you know the problem, describe it to your friend without commentary. Use "I statements." For example: "I feel like we're drifting apart. We used to get dinner every week, and now I feel like I don't see you. I want to talk about it."
Open the door for a conversation. Don't attack or make assumptions. Listen to your friend.
Identify anything outside your relationship that may be causing issues. Are you stressed about work? Are you moving? Are you depressed? Internal and external factors can come to bear on a friendship.
And lastly, don't hold on to a relationship that isn't working. Be open to the possibility that this friendship was not meant to last. If you've spoken to your friend several times without any change, it may be time to let that friendship go.
Summary
Friendships and relationships change for many reasons. We befriend those who live close-by and share our values.
— Change your mindset. Give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Believe that they can change, and allow them space to do so.
— Speak up. Don't let resentment build. Give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Believe that they can change, and allow them space to do so.
— Be able to let a friendship go. Unfortunately, not all friendships were meant to last. Open yourself to the possibility that this friendship may no longer be working.