How to Rebuild a Relationship
Relationships can bend but do not have to break.
Relationships can bend but do not have to break.
There are many reasons one may have to rebuild a relationship. An argument, physical separation or emotional disconnection can cause a relationship to change. We’ve all had a friendship or relationship go awry.
Here, we’ll guide you through the reasons relationships break down and what you can do to rebuild them.
Why relationships break down
There are many reasons relationships break down. Friendships and romantic relationships alike often fail due to an unwillingness to work on the relationship. In a 2013 study, couples reported “lack of commitment” as the number one reason for divorce, above infidelity and financial issues. Additionally, a 2016 paper noted friendships with conflict and inequality can cause psychological distress.
Relationships can also falter due to circumstances outside of one’s control. Chronic illness, for example, can decrease intimacy. A 2021 study of couples where one partner dealt with chronic pain describes couples as feeling helpless, less intimate and hesitant to engage in open communication. “…They were worried about saying something they would regret or exacerbating their partners’ pain,” the study notes.
Even less intimate relationships can experience a breakdown. A study commissioned by Acas, a U.K. workplace think tank, found over one-third of survey respondents had a conflict at work in the last twelve months. These conflicts caused stress, lowered productivity and, in some cases, caused people to leave their jobs.
What to do
The first step in rebuilding a relationship is to identify what made it break down in the first place. If it is a work relationship, you’ll want to deal with that differently than you will a friendship or familial relationship. Ask questions like:
— Are you experiencing external stressors?
— Has there been a breakdown in trust?
— Have you wronged your friend, coworker or romantic partner in some way?
— Have you been hurt by a friend, coworker or romantic partner in some way?
By reflecting on the relationship and the rift, you can determine how to best rebuild the relationship. For example, if you are experiencing short-term, external stressors, perhaps the relationship will come back to its former intimacy when those stressors are out of the picture. But if trust has been broken, it will take time to repair that trust. And sometimes, trust is never rebuilt.
Andrew Christensen, a clinical psychologist from the University of California, Los Angeles, developed Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) to address issues of rebuilding relationships. In the book he co-authored, Reconcilable Differences, Christensen notes one of the keys to rebuilding a relationship is accepting your partner.
“When you are able to accept each other’s experience, and often the behavior that results from that experience, you both may make spontaneous changes to accommodate to the other,” says Christensen. Try to see things from your loved one’s point of view.
If you are not in a neutral place with your partner or friend, it will be hard to rebuild. Consider how you can return to the neutrality Christensen mentions. Learning how to have a healthy confrontation can provide a good starting point for having a more productive conversation. If you caused the rift, apologize. You cannot begin to rebuild if you don’t acknowledge harm. You can’t expect forgiveness without asking for it.
Once you’ve apologized, change your behavior so you no longer replicate the actions that led to the rift. If you aren’t a good listener, develop skills to be a better one. If you find yourself constantly missing out on important dates, make sure to note them down. (The Thoughtful app can help you there.)
What not to do
The most important thing to remember is that you cannot change anyone. As Christensen says in his book, trying to "correct" another person's behavior can "get [you] locked in a struggle that erodes your good feelings for each other." Accept that there may be some miscommunication and, if you can, give your loved one the benefit of the doubt.
Relationships change. Friendships, in particular, are resilient. Ones which were once intimate can become more distant and vice versa. If you want to rebuild a relationship, those changes will not happen overnight.
Finally, sometimes a relationship has been so fractured that you cannot rebuild. If the relationship is totally one-sided or the other person grievously hurt you, it may be better to disengage than to try to rebuild.
Summary
Rebuilding a relationship starts with reflection and can be made easier by accepting our differences. Rebuilding a relationship is a long process that everyone in the relationship needs to participate in.
— Reflect on what caused the rift — is it something that can be healed by time, or does it need an active discussion?
— Start from a neutral place by seeing things from their point of view or accepting your differences.
— Be patient as long-term changed behavior is what creates the circumstances to rebuild a relationship.