How to Recover
Forgiveness isn’t promised, but it is never too late to seek it.
Forgiveness isn’t promised, but it is never too late to seek it.
It can be hard to recover from a mistake. As Desmond Tutu wrote in Greater Good Magazine, “True reconciliation is based on forgiveness, and forgiveness is based on true confession, and confession is based on penitence, on contrition, on sorrow for what you have done.” Reconciliation can happen on the macro and micro scale. Apologizing is only a piece of the puzzle when recovering from hurting another person.
Much of the impetus for reconciliation rests in the person hurt rather than the person who perpetrated the hurt. But what does it mean to forgive?
Notions of forgiveness
Forgiveness has been studied by scientists, theorists and researchers on interpersonal, communal, national and trans-national levels. It is complicated and based on a number of elements, including the type of relationship, the hurt caused, the relative power of the individuals involved and other, more vague factors. As noted in the University of Kansas’s Community Toolbox, “Forgiveness is both a process and a choice.”
It further breaks down forgiveness into two categories: unilateral and bilateral. Unilateral requires nothing on the part of the offender. This forgiveness, as Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu write in The Book of Forgiving, is “a free gift freely given.” The other type of forgiveness, bilateral, is an exchange between two parties. This type of forgiveness is often given in a structured setting and relates to notions of justice.
In a 2022 study on forgiveness (and unforgiveness) in same-sex friendships, researchers found three barriers to forgiving. Forgiveness was withheld due to a friend’s refusal or inability to “engage in appropriate reparative work,” worries forgiving would lead to the friend repeating the offending behavior and a lack of trust in the friendship.
What to do
You cannot force anyone to forgive you. There is no timeline to forgiveness. But there are things you can do to repair the hurt you’ve caused, whether or not you are ultimately forgiven.
As noted in The Book of Forgiving, the first step to forgiveness is to admit the harm caused. Make a true, vulnerable confession. This confession can be given to yourself. If you have hurt someone, admit what you’ve done to the person you’ve hurt. If you will cause more harm by admitting the hurt to the person, admit it to yourself and a trusted person.
It is only after reflecting on the full scope of the harm caused that you can begin to apologize. Apologies are not the first step to seeking forgiveness. Rather, an apology should only come after self-reflection. When you apologize, you seek to make amends. You cannot make amends before truly reflecting on the hurt and your ability to meaningfully make amends. Amends are often found in changed behavior. It is important to be honest about your ability to change the behavior that caused the harm.
As part of the process towards recovering a relationship with someone you’ve harmed, it is important to apologize and, in that apology, outline the steps to make amends. Once this is done, you can ask for forgiveness. Part of asking for forgiveness is being ready to hear and respond to any response. If forgiveness is not offered, you must accept that refusal with empathy and kindness. If you are truly apologetic, you must continue to make amends by changing your future behavior.
What not to do
The worst thing to do, when trying to restore a damaged relationship, is to offer insincere apologies. An insincere apology is one in which you've not done any reflection, will not seek to make amends and do not plan to change your future behavior. Not making amends will lead to further erosion of your relationship.
Summary
When trying to recover, it is important to do the internal work of reflection before you approach the person to whom you want to make amends. Spend some time on your own considering what you’ve done.
— Forgiveness is not promised and cannot be forced on any particular timeline.
— Admitting and recognizing the harm you’ve caused is the first step to forgiveness.
— Changed behavior is the best way to show remorse.