How to Set Boundaries
Healthy relationships are made by setting boundaries.
Healthy relationships are made by setting boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are the line between where we end and other people begin. In relationships—professional, romantic, familial and others—we have boundaries. These boundaries, stated or unstated, establish the line of what is appropriate in a given relationship. When people do not set boundaries, it can result in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Here, we’ll help you realize the types of boundaries that exist in relationships. We’ll also give you tips on how to set boundaries with others.
Types of boundaries
Boundaries differ from relationship-to-relationship and person-to-person. When establishing boundaries with someone, it may be hard to conceptualize what kind of limits you need in your relationships. An easy framework comes from the California Department of Social Services who separate boundaries into six categories:
- Physical boundaries: Boundaries around your physical body. For example, indicating when and where you do not want to be touched.
- Intellectual boundaries: Boundaries around your thoughts and opinions. For example, not sharing an idea with someone you do not trust.
- Emotional boundaries: Boundaries around your feelings. For example, deciding what level of vulnerability you’re willing to share with others.
- Sexual boundaries: Boundaries around sexual interaction. For example, deciding what sexual acts you’re willing to participate in with another person.
- Material boundaries: Boundaries around money and possessions. For example, indicating that you will not loan money to certain persons.
- Time boundaries: Boundaries around the sharing of your time. For example, putting a limit on how much work you’ll do outside of your regular working hours.
Healthy boundaries create healthier relationships. Healthy boundaries allow us to create space for ourselves. Healthy boundaries lead to higher self-esteem and better relationships.
Lisa A. Fontes, Ph.D., senior lecturer at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, says the largest obstacle when it comes to setting boundaries can often be ourselves. “The largest obstacle is the sense that they don't have the right to set a boundary,” she said via email. “Women, in particular, have been taught to sacrifice, ‘be nice,’ and take care of others' feelings. It can be hard, therefore, to set a boundary and even protest or leave a relationship when the other person has crossed a boundary.”
What to do
To set boundaries, you first need to reflect on your own needs. What do you need out of your relationships? What doesn’t feel right about your relationship? Once you know what you need out of a relationship, set your boundaries with others clearly.
Speak plainly. For example, say a relative consistently speaks poorly about your body and the bodies of others. “I don’t appreciate it when you speak about my body or anyone’s body like that. I can’t engage in these types of conversations with you any longer” is a reasonable and appropriate way to set a boundary.
Then, enforce the boundary you’ve set. In the example above, you’d enforce that boundary by refusing to continue similar conversations. You could do this by saying, “I told you I can’t have these types of conversations. We can talk about something else, or I can hang up.” Enforcing a boundary may feel difficult, but it is reasonable to do.
Fontes says there are many things you can do to feel confident in the boundaries you’ve set: “Get some good friends who will support you. Get a therapist if you need one. Keep a journal. The better you know yourself, the better you will be able to handle relationships.”
What not to do
Don’t let anyone convince you that your boundaries are unreasonable. If you’ve set a boundary, it is reasonable. Denying someone’s boundaries is a form of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a gradual form of abuse wherein an abuser convinces someone not to trust themselves, their feelings or their memories. Abusers gaslight others by denying or downplaying their reality (“That never happened” or “You’re imagining things”).
Fontes says, “Your boundaries are your boundaries, and if someone repeatedly pushes against them, that is a huge red flag of other forms of abuse. Redefining reality is a form of mind control—a way abusers make others do what they want.” Fontes lists some red flag phrases, such as:
- "IF you love me you would...."
- "Because we are going out, you should..."
- "As my fiancee, you must…”
It is important, when setting boundaries, to stand firm and to trust your gut. “If something does not feel right, it probably is not right, and it does not matter what the other person says. If it's not right for you, then it is not right,” says Fontes.
Summary
Setting boundaries is a difficult but important thing to do in any type of relationship. Healthy relationships are built on respect and adhering to someone’s boundaries is part of respect.
- Reflect on your own needs. Knowing yourself is the best way to know what you need from your relationships.
- Speak plainly and be firm. Be clear about your needs and don’t be afraid to reaffirm those needs.
- Your boundaries are reasonable. Others can’t dictate what is right for you, only you can.