How to Stop Judging Others
How to move past your assumptions of others and foster healthier relationships.
How to move past your assumptions of others and foster healthier relationships.
Humans are hard-wired to judge. It is an evolutionary benefit to be able to make quick impressions of others. Research has shown that, by the age of three, children form instant impressions of trustworthiness.
But there are also downsides to judgment. First impressions can have long tails, if we let them. Sometimes, the impulse to judge others comes from a more personal place like an impulse to judge ourselves.
Here, we’ll explain how judgments are formed, why we judge too harshly and what to do to make sure your judgments are fair.
How and why we judge
The ability to judge someone’s face starts at the age of three. And by the age of five, children’s judgments of others’ faces are, according to a 2019 study, “indistinguishable” from the judgments of adults. Children use their face-trait judgment to distinguish untrustworthy from trustworthy people.
But judgments are also impacted by the world around us. Katherine D. Kinzler, a psychologist and author, wrote about what impacts our judgments of others in her book How You Say It: Why You Talk the Way You Do―And What It Says About You.
“When we are busy or not paying careful attention, we typically forget a person’s individual features but do recall their gender or race,” Kinzler writes. “This is because we view our social world through the prism of categories… We assume that people who share a social category (for example, the same gender or same race) are like each other, even when they are not.”
Our judgments of others can change us and how we interact with those around us. It is important, therefore, to moderate our judgments and remember that they may not always be coming from a solid foundation. First impressions can carry a lot of weight, but only if we let them.
What to do
Humans judge as a way to keep ourselves safe and to try to analyze the world around us. The important thing is to think about the judgments you make, question your judgments and don’t let those judgments rule you.
Re-evaluate the differences between you and the person you’re judging. We are kinder in our judgments to those in our in-group, including race, gender, sexuality, religion or even pattern of speech. If you share commonalities, your first impressions will likely be kinder than they are to someone in an out-group (someone who does not share commonalities with you).
Recognize your unconscious biases to better evaluate your first impressions of others. Approach others with curiosity. Avoid using judgmental phrases (“You’re crazy.”) and instead ask questions ("What makes you say that?”). By listening clearly and keeping an open mind, you may find things contradicting your first impression.
What not to do
Don’t ignore your own biases. Biases can be emotional and irrational. For example, you may have had a bad experience with someone named Kimberly in the past, leading you to distrust people named Kimberly in the future. Recognize how your own biases develop. By ignoring your own biases, or refusing to examine them, you reinforce them and allow them to rule your impressions of others.
Don’t let your first impressions rule you. Science has shown that it is hard to shake a negative impression. But, by giving a person a second and third chance, we can form a better idea of who they are than if we rely on first impressions. Be cognizant of the power of first impressions, and give people more chances to “get it right.”
Summary
You can’t stop yourself from judging completely, but you can be aware of how our first judgments may be wrong. There are a few things to remember when trying to stop judging others.
— Be honest with yourself about your biases (positive or negative) when judging others.
— Ask questions, use non-judgmental language and approach others with curiosity to make sure you get the full picture.
— Be prepared to put aside your first impression, rather than letting it rule all your future interactions.
By reflecting on how we make judgments, we can become better judges of character. Confront your biases and be honest with yourself about the power a first impression may have.