How to Trust Others
Building trust is an important step in deepening your relationships.
Building trust is an important step in deepening your relationships.
Trust is one of the building blocks of a good relationship, whether it be romantic, in the workplace or with friendships. Trust is paramount when receiving information from others, but what is needed to create trust? How can you begin to trust the people in your life?
The building blocks of trust
Trust is built over time, and requires participation. Whether building trust with one person or a community, everyone needs to work together to create a sense of trust. John M. Gottman, a co-founder of The Gottman Institute focusing on family therapy, says trust can often boil down to one question: "Are you there for me?”
According to The Science of Interpersonal Trust by Dr. Randy Borum, the predictors of trustworthiness are called the “Big Three.” There is ability (rooted in the reliability of the person seeking trust), benevolence (belief in one’s goodwill) and integrity (the honesty of the person seeking trust). Trusting someone requires vulnerability, and in the end, trust is driven by both cognitive and emotional elements.
Emotional attunement
Gottman, in his book The Science of Trust, recommends couples practice attunement to build trust. Gottman determined families engage in either “emotion-dismissing” or “emotion-coaching” behavior.
Emotion-dismissing parents did not make note of their emotions or those of their children. They did not have the language to discuss emotions and shied away from diving into negative feelings. They were overly reliant on upbeat language. For example, if a child expressed sadness over a bad grade to an emotion-dismissing parent, the parent may say “Cheer up! Life could be worse!” Emotion-dismissing parents may push their children to avoid introspection or “move on.”
On the other hand, emotion-coaching parents gave their children the language and tools to discuss with and deal with their own emotions. Emotion-coaching parents were also more aware of their own emotions and the emotions of their children. For example, if a child was upset about a poor grade, the emotion-coaching parent may help their child label their emotions and explore those emotions. The parent might say, “You seem sad. Do you want to talk about it?”
In adult relationships, emotional coaching is called “attunement.” Adults are advised to take the “emotional temperature” of their partner, friend or family member. They are advised to state their needs (“I need a hug”) and be tolerant of one another’s emotions. By hearing and validating the emotions of their loved ones, you can build the foundations of trust. Connecting emotionally to build trust requires the resilience to discuss difficult emotions.
What to do
Trust requires a relationship. You cannot trust someone with whom you do not have any relationship. Be honest and reliable. In turn, other people should show you they can be there when you need them.
Trust requires you to know the other person is honest with you and believe they have good intentions towards you. It is important to build a good foundation with an open, honest and respectful relationship.
What not to do
The worst thing you can do when attempting to trust someone is not being honest. If you are initiating a relationship (of any kind, not just romantic), being honest with them is the first step to building trust. Be vulnerable enough to say how you feel, even if those feelings are negative. Only by attempting to build a trusting relationship can you discover if the other person is worthy of trust.
Do not dismiss the other person’s feelings or your own. Be aware of how you’re feeling and relay that to the other person. Only by sharing this information can you build the basis for a real and trusting relationship.
Summary
Deciding who to trust is complicated, but if you’re trying to build trust in a relationship there are a few key things to remember.
— Be honest, even if it is hard. By being honest about your feelings, you enter the relationship in good faith.
— Connect emotionally with the other person. An emotional connection is one of the bases of trust. Be present when you are with the person you want to trust.
— Pay attention to your own feelings. By noticing and being aware of your own feelings, you’ll have a better understanding of why you trust or do not trust another person.