Love Languages: Acts of Service
Sometimes, it's not what you say to someone you love that matters most, but what you do that assures them of your love.
What you do can assure others of your love.
What you do can assure others of your love.
What we'll cover
Love languages—from author, speaker and counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D.'s book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate—is a theory that suggests there are five main categories of giving and receiving love. Chapman suggests a person primarily experiences love in one of five distinct ways—although they all have merit. However, what makes one person feel valued and loved (their “love language”) does not necessarily work for another.
In this “What to Do” guide, we define the language of “acts of service,” describe how to know if your loved one operates primarily in this love language, discuss what are some right and wrong acts, and explain a viable alternative for when actions don’t speak louder than words.
What it is
Words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts make up the quintet of love languages. Although originally applied to couples, the concept of "love languages" may be applied to virtually all interpersonal relationships, not merely romantic ones. Love languages are helpful to consider in platonic connections with a friend, parent, child, coworker or employer. Communication of love or admiration in a person's primary language makes them feel more valued in the relationship.
Acts of service involve one person doing tasks for the benefit of the other. These gestures are performed spontaneously or intentionally. Either way, they are acts done out of a genuine desire to make the other person happy.
Service may come in various forms. Examples include surprising your loved one at work with their favorite coffee treat, taking out the trash or grabbing some takeout on the way home. The most important lesson one can learn from being of service is the value of being thoughtful and deliberate. Putting this into practice entails making the other person a priority through your actions.
There are similarities between Chapman's descriptions of the "love languages" and the "maintenance behaviors" described in some academic literature. According to research on relational maintenance behaviors, one way to keep relationships healthy is by taking turns helping one another out with various tasks (sharing tasks).
What not to do
Forcing your loved one to do something may get you what you want, but they won't enjoy it. The same goes for extreme pressure from your loved one to do an act of service. Service is not the same as servitude, so keep that in mind.
Avoiding a lack of follow-through
Why it doesn’t work: Do what you say you're going to do, and if your loved one is having trouble, assist them without hesitation. If your loved one is having difficulty with a specific task, offer to help them out, and make sure you complete it.
Go through the motions.
Why it doesn't work: Put your whole heart into whatever you do, and make sure your effort is 100 percent. Focus on doing acts that express your affection and demonstrate selflessness. Embrace the idea that doing things with the right intention behind them is more meaningful than doing them half-heartedly.
Restricting your service ideas to the narrow confines of ingrained gender roles.
Why it doesn't work: Try to keep an open mind regarding new ideas. When you do something outside of your comfort zone to help someone else, it's one of the kindest, most humane things you can do. And when the person you're helping knows that you wouldn't normally do something like this, it makes your act of kindness even more special to them. Also, when deciding what kind of service you'll provide for your partner or loved one, think about how it will make them happy or make their life simpler. Why would this particular act be appreciated by them?
Going too far
Why it doesn't work: Ask your partner or loved one what they would like you to do for them and how you can best help. Instead of taking on all their responsibilities, find out what they value most by asking, "Would it be helpful if I…?" While being thoughtful and creative is admirable, you want to be practical and ask for suggestions.
Feeling obligated to do anything.
Why it doesn't work: Make sure that whatever service you do, it is done with conviction, interest and desire. You should never do anything kind for your partner or loved one because it is expected of you. Your actions should always be motivated by love, not by hostility or guilt.
What to do
Communicating with a loved one who speaks a language other than your own may involve considerable effort. You are making a decision to become closer to your loved one by learning and speaking their love language. No two relationships are the same, and neither is the best method to show affection. These are just a few things you may do to keep the connection solid and happy.
Note: These are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary, and users should measure their words/actions based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
Help them take a break by offering to babysit or run errands.
Why it works: These are two examples of time-intense and energy-consuming acts of service. Your selflessness and willingness to help without being asked are signs of how much you value your loved one and recognize their daily challenges. Additionally, thanks to your kindness, you’re allowing them to take a much-needed reprieve from their regular responsibilities.
Say "No" without guilt.
Why it works: Don't feel bad about saying "no" if your loved one asks you to do anything that goes against your beliefs or causes you to be uneasy, especially if doing so may cause you to resent them. Saying no without guilt does not mean you are unkind or unfeeling. It doesn't mean that you don't care about the other person. It means that you respect yourself and your needs as much as you appreciate others and their needs.
How to recover
If your actions are consistently underappreciated, you may begin to resent your loved one or partner. The only approach to recovering from incorrect actions is via discovery. Spend time learning about your partner's or loved one's preferences for better interactions. You may inquire whether a particular task would benefit them before going out of your way.
Other suggestions
If you find it hard to express your love for someone in a certain way, or if you've disagreed with them, try speaking in a different love language. Allow yourself to be vulnerable by expressing your feelings, apologizing if necessary, or explaining the intentions or motives behind specific actions. At the core of each love language is practical, meaningful communication.