Love Languages: Physical Touch
Many people receive love through physical affirmation.
Many people receive love through physical affirmation.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLMany people receive love through physical affirmation.
What we'll cover
Author Gary Chapman , Ph.D.'s The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate describes how people give and receive love. In the book, Chapman contends that there are five main expressions of love: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts. While most people enjoy each of these languages to an extent, Chapman contends that people usually speak one “primary” love language.
Though usually applied to intimate or romantic partnerships, understanding how to “speak” the same love language as a family member, friend, or coworker can help deepen your relationship and allow for the other person to feel respected and appreciated.
In this “What to Do,” guide, we’ll explore physical touch as a love language, how to tell if it is your loved one’s primary love language, and discuss appropriate and inappropriate types of physical touch.
What it is
Humans are social creatures. For most people, social touch is a basic need — and the body responds physically and emotionally to touch. According to a study published in the journal Scientific Reports, researchers found that physical touch can calm heart rate and blood pressure. Another 2017 study found touch can reduce feelings of social exclusion and isolation. Physical touch as a love language describes exactly that — your loved one receives love through touch.
Though this may sometimes mean sexual or romantic touch, that’s not always the case. Touch provides nonverbal communication for a variety of feelings, including admiration, respect, celebration, companionship and empathy, to name a few. For example, holding a friend’s hand as they describe a difficult experience can communicate concern, while a hug during a celebratory moment can communicate happiness and pride for the individual.
An act of physical touch involves contact that is genuine, appropriate for the situation, respectful for your specific relationship and well-intentioned.
The best way to determine if your loved one’s primary love language is physical touch is to observe how they give love to others. Chapman theorizes that people naturally give the love they receive best. Pay attention to how your loved one instinctively comforts or shows appreciation for someone else and how they request support for themselves.
Of course, it’s important to respect your own boundaries and love language when supporting someone else. If you feel hesitant or uncomfortable around physical affection, communicate that to your loved one and work on acts of physical touch that allow you both to feel loved and respected.
What not to do
Physical touch requires respectful, thoughtful consideration. Remember, touch is a way to give and receive love, but should be paired with other supportive tools like active listening, empathizing and consent.
Overstep boundaries.
Why it doesn’t work: Love languages aren’t an excuse to bulldoze over social cues and bodily autonomy. For example, if a coworker is upset and comes to you for support, you should bear in mind office decorum and your professional relationship.
Relying solely on touch.
Why it doesn't work: Touch is only one way you can support a loved one, not the only way. Remember that giving your undivided attention during a conversation, verbal affirmations, compliments and quality time are all important tools to lean on to show your loved one you care.
Withholding touch as punishment.
Why it doesn't work: Touch should never be withheld from your loved one to punish them. If you are angry at your loved one, touch can actually be a tool to stay connected during conflict. Touch can be a powerful method to regulate the nervous system, especially during heightened emotions.
Ignoring your comfort level.
Why it doesn't work: It’s important to only give what you are completely comfortable with. If you feel pressured or obligated to offer physical touch, you should decline or offer an alternative that suits your needs. Declining to provide touch in a firm, but gentle manner is especially important in romantic and sexual relationships. Remember: only offer touch if you want to.
What to do
Nonverbal communication is a cornerstone of all successful relationships. In particular, physical touch requires a conscientious effort to understand how to support your loved one, “read” what they might want and provide an opportunity for touch. However, you should always tailor your efforts depending on the person, your specific relationship, and use your best judgment in the context of a situation. Below, you’ll find a few suggestions to get you started.
Note: These are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary, and users should measure their words/actions based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
Ask for consent.
Why it works: Although touch is nonverbal, you should always ask for explicit, verbal consent before touching someone else. Asking for consent can range from formal to informal, so try out phrases like, I’m so proud of you. Can I give you a hug? or You seem upset, do you want to talk to me about it and I can hold your hand? If your loved one declines physical touch, accept their decision without argument. If your loved one feels safe to decline touch without consequences from you, they are more likely to trust and accept touch when they do want it.
Create a ritual of connection.
Why it works: Setting aside time for physical touch every day shows a consistent effort to make your loved one feel special. For example, you might suggest touching foreheads or cuddling for 15 minutes after your partner gets home from work, allowing you both to connect and decompress after a long day. For non-romantic relationships, you can suggest hugging or a kiss hello when you meet each other for plans.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
How to recover
If you find yourself having overstepped or made a mistake with a loved one, don’t panic. A mistake is an opportunity to connect, show your loved one you can be trusted to make amends and work together to refine best practices for future behavior.
First and foremost, you should apologize if you’ve said the wrong thing, offered touch at an unwelcome time or made your loved one feel uncomfortable. Start with something like, I can see I’ve made you uncomfortable or hurt you. I’m sorry. What do you need right now? Allow your loved one to take the lead and decide what they need. They may ask for space or for time to tell you how your actions have impacted them. Respect their needs and actively listen to their thoughts. Then, after making amends, ask if your loved one needs boundaries in the future and what you can do to prevent repeating the mistake.
Other Suggestions
If you are struggling to find the right balance of physical touch, have a discussion with your loved one about how to express physical love and what specific acts help them. For example, if a loved one is feeling stressed, they may enjoy going for a walk while holding hands rather than a single hug. Touch doesn’t have to be static, either, so try incorporating movement (like a walk, yoga or massage) with your loved one.
Some people — even those who receive love best through touch — can get overstimulated by physical contact. If this is the case, make an agreement with your loved one that if the touch is becoming overwhelming or distracting, you’ll have an agreed upon “safe word” either of you can use to indicate space or a lessening of touch is needed. Remember, physical touch is only loving if both parties are comfortable.