Love Languages: Quality Time
Meet the needs of someone whose love language is quality time.
Meet the needs of someone whose love language is quality time.
Meet the needs of someone whose love language is quality time.
What we'll cover
When you want to show someone you care, how you show it can make all the difference. People prefer to express and receive love in different ways, and understanding what your loved one prefers will strengthen your relationship. “The Five Love Languages” proposes there are five general ways that people express love, and one of those is called “quality time.”
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss why quality time is a love language and how to express care for someone who prefers this type of love.
What it is
“The Five Love Languages” is a theory of how people express and receive love. This theory first became popular through Gary Chapman, Ph.D.’s book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. According to this theory, there are five general ways people prefer experiencing love: words of affirmation (verbally communicating appreciation), receiving gifts (exchanging presents or other tangible signs of love), acts of service (helping with a task, chore or other action), physical touch (engaging in physical intimacy) and quality time (spending time together with undivided attention). People can strengthen their love and relationship satisfaction by using their loved one’s preferred love language.
People who prefer quality time as a love language value spending time with their loved ones and engaging in joint activities. Examples of expressing love through quality time would include going on a date, having a deep conversation about personal topics, playing games, or engaging in a shared interest or hobby.
Keep in mind that having an intimate or deep conversation may seem like words of affirmation. However, words of affirmation focuses on specifically expressing appreciation (eg. “let me tell you why I think you’re a great mother and what I appreciate about you”), while spending quality time would mean having a conversation about any topic but, devoting full attention to your loved one and listening carefully.
What not to say
You may care a lot for your loved one, but may have trouble showing it if you tend to avoid spending quality time with him or her. We’ll help you identify ways you may come across as unloving or inconsiderate to someone whose love language is quality time.
"...Huh? What did you say? Sorry I was just answering a text."
Why it doesn't work: These days, our attention may be divided due to a constant bombardment of to-do lists, emails, texts and social media. In this scenario, even though you may be spending time with the person physically (e.g. on a dinner date or watching TV together), you’re not engaging in the love language of quality time by multitasking or staying distracted. Instead, remind yourself to be fully present with your loved one, put your phone away, and pay attention to what you two are doing together.
"Ugh, do we have to go out to dinner tonight? I have a lot on my plate."
Why it doesn't work: You may be really busy and find it hard to set aside dedicated time to other people. However, hearing that spending quality time is not a priority will make your friend, family member, or partner feel unloved because you are communicating that other responsibilities are more important to you than showing him or her love. Part of this love language is being very intentional about focusing on the other person.
"No, it’s fine. You don’t have to come with me to run errands."
Why it doesn't work: If you don’t prefer quality time as a love language, it might seem strange or unnecessary for your loved one to accompany you to places or mundane activities. However, rejecting his or her company may sound like you’re rejecting an opportunity to connect.
“You know everything about me already. Why do we have to talk about our feelings/our thoughts/the future?”
Why it doesn't work: You might find it unnecessary to talk about certain personal topics, especially if you have known the person for a long time or don’t like talking about your feelings. Avoiding an intimate conversation with your loved one would feel like you don’t care about their experiences or to connect through conversation. If you’re the type of person who feels uncomfortable talking about your feelings, find a compromise such as asking the person to share their feelings and actively listening to what they have to say. Alternatively, you can introduce topics of conversation that come more easily to you, such as your reactions to the TV show you’re watching together or another shared interest.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Remember that people who prefer quality time as their love language just want to spend time with you when you are both focused on each other. It’s not what you do, but how you do it that counts. Here are a few ways you can suggest spending quality time with your loved one.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Even though it’s a busy week, I set aside tonight just for us. What would you like to do?"
Why it works: This suggestion is a double whammy: Not only are you planning to spend quality time together, but you are making an extra effort to do this during a busy time. Even if you spend a very short period of time together (eg. just grabbing a coffee), the intention to dedicate time just for them will make them feel special.
"Oh, you had lunch with your friend today. Tell me about it!"
Why it works: Asking your loved one to share about their day communicates that you are interested in that person’s experiences. It’s not important what you end up talking about, but it’s more important that you actively listen and take an interest in their perspective. Don’t just phone this in; really listen and ask follow up questions!
“I loved playing poker with you the other day. Let’s play again."
Why it works: If your preferred love language isn’t quality time, finding a common interest that captures your attention will help you stay engaged. They get the benefit of spending time together while you get the added benefit of doing something you like.
How to recover
Miscommunication can easily happen if you and another person have different love languages. For example, you may express your love through giving gifts or helping them with their chores. However, if you’re just expressing love in your preferred way, you may pass up opportunities to spend quality time together and make your partner feel unloved.
If that’s the case, you can apologize and explain that you tend to express love differently, but want to learn how to really be present with them and show you care. Ask them about what you can do together to feel connected, whether it’s a specific activity, setting aside time for each other or talking about something personal. It will be extra meaningful if you can spend quality time while using your love language. For example, if you are an acts of service kind of person, make a fun day out of doing chores together: cook a big dinner together with each of you making a special dish you know the other person likes or turn on your favorite music and dance while you do spring cleaning together. Get creative with turning joint activities into fun, meaningful memories.
Other suggestions
These days, it’s hard to devote time and attention to doing just one thing. We’re masters of multitasking. When you’re spending quality time with a loved one, find ways to really tune in and block out distractions. Set your phone to “do not disturb” to silence incoming texts, calls and emails. Take time off from work or tell your coworkers that you are unavailable during the time you set aside. Schedule the quality time in your calendar so you’re not tempted to double book. Just being in the same room with a loved one doesn’t count! Devote your full attention to that person and what you are doing together, otherwise they may feel overlooked or taken for granted.