Love Languages: Words of Affirmation
Utilize words of affirmation to show someone you care.
Utilize words of affirmation to show someone you care.
Utilize words of affirmation to show someone you care.
What we'll cover
Gary Chapman, Ph.D., an author, speaker and marriage counselor, developed "The 5 Love Languages" in 1992 as a book. The Love Languages break down relationship management into five categories. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll examine one of the Languages (words of affirmation), give you conversation starters and detail what to avoid saying to others who prefer this love language.
What it is
Originally marketed toward romantic couples, the Love Languages apply to other relationship types. The five Languages are: words of affirmation, gift-giving, quality time, acts of service and physical touch.
Studies suggest that the Love Languages are a good way to articulate emotional needs. By utilizing Love Languages, you’ll be better able to understand the needs of those around you. The Love Languages provide a good template for better communication.
Those who say "words of affirmation" are their primary Love Language want those around them to verbalize their feelings and use words to express their feelings.
What not to say
The worst thing you can do to someone who desires words of affirmation is stay silent. It may be hard to articulate what you love about those around you, but it is important to avoid cliches and empty language when communicating your care.
“I love you.”
Why it doesn’t work: Everyone needs and deserves to hear that they are loved. Don't stop here. It can be easy to think "I love you" is far enough. Push further, and focus on specifics.
"You are super cool."
Why it doesn't work: Like the example above, this isn't wrong. But it also isn't right. Think about what the person you love does and says, and make note of it. By taking note of these things, you can affirm them out loud to the other person and give them a compliment that shines.
"It's the thought that counts!"
Why it doesn't work: Complimenting and affirming those around you can be difficult. Be earnest and sincere. Avoid "compliments" that can be interpreted as backdoor insults. Saying "it's the thought that counts" communicates that the execution did not go well. Avoid compliments in this vein.
"Who cares what I think?"
Why it doesn't work: Your friends care about your opinion. By devaluing your opinion, you’re doubting your friend’s judgment. Your friend wouldn’t have you in their life if they didn’t appreciate your experience, thoughts, and feelings. Those who desire words of affirmation want to know what you think. Put aside your own insecurities and articulate your care for your friend. Don’t be afraid to sound corny.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you understand words of affirmation that don't go the distance, here are some conversation starters you can use.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"The other day, when you X, it made me feel really loved."
Why it works: This works because it lays out two things: what the person did and how it made the receiver feel. A good compliment rests on specificity. Imagine a coworker notices you're having a bad day and brings you your favorite cookie. Saying, "When you brought me a cookie, it turned my day around" is a better compliment than a simple "thanks."
The format of "when you X, it makes me feel Y" is good for compliments. It requires a specific detail and it reaffirms your relationship. You say you see the other person and notice their actions. It then further communicates the positive effect it has on your life.
"I know you have been trying to X, and I see that you've been sticking to it. Great job."
Why it works: Like the example above, the beauty of this compliment rests in its specificity. It says "I listened when you talked about what you wanted to do. I noticed that you have followed through on this promise to yourself. Great job." Compliments like this also avoid applying a value judgment to behavior.
Other Suggestions
Take notice of the things your friends do and say that make you feel loved and cared for. Note them down if you think you'll forget.
If you have trouble verbalizing things in the moment, consider writing your loved one a note. Words of affirmation are just as valid if communicated in written form.