Social Customs: Adult Birthday Dinners & Parties
Know the common customs for marking another year.
Know the common customs for marking another year.
Know the common customs for marking another year.
What we'll cover
No matter your age, birthdays are a fun day to celebrate while reflecting on how far we’ve come and gathering together our favorite people. But they can also be fraught with questions of politeness.
In this “Social Customs” guide, we’ll give you a brief overview of birthday celebrations, what to do when celebrating your own birthday or that of one you love and what to avoid as you mark another year.
A history of birthdays
People have been celebrating birthdays for millennia. In the ancient Roman period, for example, birthdays were celebrated as both personal holidays and religious events. The birthday celebrant would offer a sacrifice to the gods in the form of a bread cake. We still see echoes of traditions like these in our birthday celebrations today.
But in the United States, the near-universality of the birthday celebration originated with industrialization, according to The Atlantic. Prior to that period of time, birthdays were events celebrated mainly by the upper classes. In the 1900s, as society developed an idea of “childhood,” birthdays became more important. And, it is worth noting, many people may not have had a true idea of their birthday prior to the federal government’s tracking of births, starting in 1933.
But birthdays are not a universal celebration. For example, Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays because they believe it is against the Bible.
What to do
Most adults, with rare exception, plan their own birthday celebrations. Birthday celebrants should not expect others to plan their birthday party for them. (It is a nice thing to do for a friend, but in no way required.) We’ve put together a list of things to do to be a good guest for your friend’s birthday celebration or dinner.
— RSVP and arrive on time. Make sure to give the birthday celebrant a proper headcount by RSVPing in advance. Birthdays often occur in restaurants and other locations where time and party size are factors. Err on the side of caution, and arrive on time.
— Say “happy birthday.” Greet the celebrant with a “happy birthday,” and say it again at least once. You don’t want to forget to acknowledge the reason you've all gathered together.
— Consider a gift. Gifts aren’t necessary for adult birthdays (unless you and your friend already have some sort of ritual in place). But, if you are close with the celebrant, consider bringing a small gift or token to mark the occasion. If you are going to a party at a friend’s home, you should always bring a host gift of some sort. If you cannot bring a gift for whatever reason, a heartfelt note about the birthday celebrant can be just as impactful.
— Be prepared to pay. If you’ve been invited to a friend’s birthday dinner, be prepared to foot the bill for yourself as well and split the bill with others for the celebrant. In some cultures, the birthday celebrant pays for everyone and in others, everyone pays for the celebrant. But, when arriving at a birthday dinner in the United States, you should at least be prepared to pick up the tab for the person marking another year of life.
— Don’t get drunk. Birthdays are a time to let loose. The venue will determine the “vibe” of the event. But it is always better to keep moderation in mind, if you're drinking alcohol, rather than potentially ruining the party with drunken behavior.
— Order carefully. If you are at a birthday dinner at a restaurant, you may have to split the bill between several people. If you want an appetizer that no one else is interested in, consider getting it the next time you come to the restaurant rather than ordering it now. If you are the only one interested in dessert, skip it to avoid complicating splitting the bill at the end of the night.
— Mingle. Depending on the celebrant, birthday dinners and parties can include many people you do not know. Rather than expecting the birthday celebrant to do the work of integrating you socially, be friendly. Introduce yourself to those around you. You all have at least one friend in common. Find a common conversational ground. See our guide on making new friends if you are unsure of what to say.
— Say thank you. Say “thank you” to the host when you leave, and follow up later with a text, note or call saying the same. Acknowledge the work that went into the celebration.
What not to say
Birthdays are usually pretty casual affairs. You’re amongst friends. But, even in that environment, there are a few topics that you should avoid.
"You’re getting so old!"
Why it doesn't work: This is a fine thing to say to a child, but after childhood, avoid age comments. As far as we know, time is linear. But jokes about being old don’t always land. Age is a complicated subject. The passage of time can remind people of their own mortality, make them feel they are not meeting age-related milestones or bring up other worries. Consider reflecting on what wins they had in the past year or what they are looking forward to in the next.
"I always thought you’d be married/have kids/own a home by now."
Why it doesn't work: Life doesn't have a timeline. Rather than telling your loved one what you thought they should be doing by this point in time, celebrate where they are now. Let them tell you their goals, rather than putting your goals on them.
"It is only downhill from here."
Why it doesn't work: Some people don’t like birthdays, as they mark another year lived. People fear aging for all sorts of reasons, like a fear of mortality. But not everyone feels so negatively about aging. Rather than insisting life gets worse, consider how the celebrant may look forward to becoming older as they know themselves better. Don’t ascribe your ideas of what one should feel about aging to the person celebrating.
What to say
Birthdays are often a time to bring together people from all parts of one’s life. This may mean you don’t know everyone at the celebration. Here are some go-to conversation topics if you ever feel lost.
— The birthday celebrant. The person you are celebrating is always a safe topic of conversation. How do they know the celebrant? How long have they known one another? What shared memories do they have? What do you both love about the person you’re celebrating? This is always safe ground for beginning a conversation.
— Pop culture. Pop culture is popular for a reason. If you’re lost conversationally, talking about the popular new show, movie or album is always a good fallback. Even if your conversation partner doesn’t watch the newest TV show, they’ve likely heard of it. Find common ground, and direct the conversation from there.
— The year ahead. Birthdays are always a good time to reflect on the year past and make plans for the year ahead. Even though it isn’t your birthday, this passage of time is good ground for conversation. What is your conversational partner looking forward to in the months ahead?
The gut check
Birthdays are a time to celebrate and show your love for another person. Make sure to say happy birthday. Bring a gift, if appropriate. Make fun conversation. Bring your wallet. And please! Don’t tell the birthday celebrant that they’re getting old.
Checklist
✔ RSVP
✔ Arrive on time
✔ Say “happy birthday” (more than once)
✔ Consider a gift
✔ If drinking, don’t overdo it
✔ If out to dinner, order in line with the group
✔ Be prepared to pay
✔ Make pleasant conversation
✔ Say “thank you”