Social Customs: Attending a Wedding
Share the love, tear up the dance floor and keep classy during this celebration.
Share the love, tear up the dance floor and keep classy during this celebration.
What we'll cover
Weddings are one of the most joyous events one can attend. But they also come with many rules. In this “Social Customs” guide, we’ll give you the tips to be the best guest at a wedding. We’ll share a short history of the modern wedding and also let you know the difference between cocktail and black-tie attire. Finally, we’ll give you conversation starters and topics to avoid during the event.
A brief history
Weddings are an important cultural rite. People have been attending and holding weddings for thousands of years. But what we think of as the modern, “traditional” wedding in the Western world has only been around since the 1840s. During that time, Queen Victoria of England popularized the now-classic white wedding dress. In the 1950s, weddings in the United States became larger and more expensive. Weddings became larger to reflect the cultural values of the time, which focused on stay-at-home wives and heterosexual partnerships.
According to a study from The Knot, a wedding website, the average cost of an American wedding in 2022 was $30,000. Their study surveyed 12,000 couples from across the United States.
What to do
Weddings include many complicated rules. Our guidelines will help you navigate this important and love-filled formal event.
• RSVP ASAP. Getting RSVPs from guests can be a major headache for the marrying couple. Be a star before you even step in the venue by RSVPing early and correctly. Make sure you fill out the RSVP with accurate information. If you or your plus one have certain dietary restrictions, make this clear in your RSVP.
• Follow the invitation. If you have been granted a plus one, this will be indicated on the invitation. It will be addressed to “your name and a guest,” or similar language. Do not bring a plus one unless you have been granted one.
• Read the wedding website. In the past, all relevant information for weddings could be found on the invitation itself. But now, most couples set up a wedding website to supplement the invitation. If you have a question which the invitation doesn’t answer, see if there is a URL for a wedding website. Any questions you may have will likely be answered by the couple’s website. Read it over before reaching out to the couple with questions.
• Purchase a gift early, and keep to the registry. If the couple has a registry, purchasing a gift early will allow you to choose from a larger variety of gifts than if you wait to purchase later. Technically, wedding gifts can be purchased and delivered within one year of the wedding, but earlier is better. If the couple has a registry, purchase from that list, rather than going off-script.
• Do not wear white or red. Follow the attire requirements spelled out by the invitation (see our breakdown of attire types). But one rule is true no matter what attire requested: do not wear white or any shade veering towards white (this includes most shades of ecru, beige, champagne and some light pink or lavender hues). Red is also traditionally avoided because it could pull focus from the bride as it is a very bold hue.
(Note: If you are attending a South Asian or East Asian couple’s wedding, it is especially important to avoid red. Red is associated with luck and is frequently worn by the marrying couple.)
• Attend all wedding events to which you are invited. Weddings typically include several events, including a ceremony and reception. If you plan on attending the reception, attend the ceremony and any other events to which you are invited.
• Silence your phone and put it away. You do not want your phone to ping, buzz or ring during the ceremony. Don’t risk ruining a romantic moment by leaving your phone on during the ceremony. Turn it on silent or, better yet, turn it off entirely.
• Let the photographer take the photos. The couple has likely hired a photographer for their wedding. Rather than making yourself an official photographer, put your phone away. Wait for the couple’s professional photos, rather than taking your own. This is especially true during the ceremony, where phones can be distracting.
• Follow the seating chart. Even if you’re seated 10,000 yards from your best friend, it is important to keep to the seating chart. Do not make the unilateral decision to move to a different seat. Sit at the table you’re assigned to, at least during the dinner and dessert.
• Mingle. Wedding guests are frequently only united by one thing—their relationship with the marrying couple. The newlyweds will be very busy greeting every guest. Be a beloved wedding guest by not monopolizing the newly married couple’s time. Meet new people and make conversation.
• Say hello to the parents. Say hello and give congratulations to the parents of the marrying couple, if they are present. Let them know how much you love their child and the event that you are attending.
• Share stories of the couple. Weddings are a time to express your love for the marrying couple. Sharing respectful stories of the marrying couple with other guests is a way to show your love for the couple and their life together. But keep any off-color stories to yourself. The couple’s relatives or bosses don't need to know about their college keg stands.
• Practice moderation. If you are drinking alcohol, moderate your consumption. Wasted wedding guests will take away from the event and, potentially, pull focus from the reason for the event: the love of the marrying couple.
• Dance it up. A wedding reception is more fun when everyone is dancing. By tearing up the dance floor, you bring fun to the wedding and let the marrying couple know you’re having a good time.
• Keep complaints to yourself. If you have problems—with the food, the venue, the child policy or the DJ—keep them to yourself. This is the time to enjoy the event, not to nitpick.
• Remember your wedding favor. Weddings often provide favors—small customized gifts. Don’t forget your favor at the venue. Bring it home as a reminder of the festivities.
• Congratulate and thank the couple. Remember to congratulate the marrying couple and thank them for inviting you to their event. You do not want to monopolize their time, but you want to make sure you at least say thank you and wish them well.
Wedding attire guide
Wedding invitations typically include information on the expected guest attire. But these terms can be confusing. Our quick guide should help you out.
• Daytime or casual: This is the most casual wedding attire, but it doesn’t mean jeans and flip flops. Daytime or casual attire typically means business casual attire. For those who prefer pants, this could mean a tie and shirt without a coat or a blazer, pants and a tie that isn’t a complete suit. It could also mean a wedding-appropriate jumpsuit in a vibrant color or fun pattern. Casual attire can allow for more daring prints. Daytime or casual attire can also include cocktail-length dresses.
• Semi-formal: Semi-formal attire typically includes a suit-and-tie, jumpsuit or cocktail dress. Like daytime or casual, semi-formal can include more trendy and daring prints.
• Cocktail: Cocktail attire typically includes a cocktail dress. For those who prefer pants, a suit-and-tie or elegant jumpsuit will do. Cocktail attire, unlike semi-formal, is a little more dressed up. Clothes are usually in more traditional colors, such as blue or black. Use accessories to show off your formal side and choose more traditional styles (such as a little black dress).
• Beach formal: Beach formal indicates the wedding will be outdoors. Choose business casual clothing in light, breathable fabrics. Wear shoes that can stand up to sand.
• Formal: Formal includes longer length dresses or suits and ties. Like with cocktail attire, use high-end accessories and more traditional styles.
• Black tie (or black tie optional): Black tie (or black tie optional) indicates more formal clothing on the spectrum. Tuxedos are common. (If the invitation indicates black tie is not optional, tuxedos are required.) Gowns should be floor length. Accessories should be high-end and more traditional. This can include diamonds, pearls or nice cufflinks.
• White tie: This is the most formal of all attire types. Tuxedos are required, with longer tailcoats. For those wearing gowns, they should be floor-length and have a traditional silhouette.
What not to say
Weddings are a time to express your shared love for the marrying couple. It is also a time to share stories and memories. But there are a few things you should avoid saying.
“You should have seen the bride back in college. We called her the Party Monster.”
Why it doesn't work: This isn’t the time to share embarrassing stories about the marrying couple. Keep your shared memories PG and any stories of partying for the bachelorette or bachelor party.
"I hate this food."
Why it doesn't work: Keep complaints to yourself. The food may not be the best. Maybe the DJ isn’t up to your standards. But now isn’t the time to share that information with others. The marrying couple has spent months putting together this event. Complaining is tacky at the best of times, but it could be hurtful if you’re overheard. Focus on the good, not the bad.
"DJ, can you play...?"
Why it doesn't work: Unless the marrying couple has specifically shared that they want you to request songs from the DJ, now isn’t the time to ask the DJ to play your favorite song. The marrying couple has likely put time and effort into the playlist. Let them listen to their favorite tunes.
“Yeah, we weren’t telling anyone, but we’re pregnant.”
Why it doesn't work: The wedding and the reception is about the marrying couple. Do not steal their thunder by proposing to your significant other or announcing a major life change of your own. Keep the focus on the couple.
"Sorry, reception is terrible in here."
Why it doesn't work: Don’t take phone calls at a wedding. Put your phone away and experience the event. Phone calls, emails and social media can wait until after the event.
What to say
Wedding receptions are frequently filled with people you do not know. But there are some basic topics that can spark conversation.
• Ask about the couple. The marrying couple is something every wedding guest has in common. Asking others at the wedding how they know the couple is always a great place to start.
• Hobbies. Discussing your hobbies is a good way to spark conversation. Maybe you’re sitting at a table full of baseball card collectors, Utah Jazz fans or competitive quilters. Hobbies are a great way to get to know others and let them know you.
• Location. Talking about where you live and where others at the wedding live is always a good place to start. Perhaps you can meet every guest who lived in Seattle at a later point. Drawing on the hometown pride of others is a good way to spark conversation.
The gut check
To be a star wedding guest, keep the marrying couple in mind. Do whatever you can to give them as few headaches as possible. Be prompt with your RSVP and arrival, follow directions on attire and seating, mingle with others and congratulate the couple on this milestone.
Checklist
✔ RSVP ASAP
✔ Provide any dietary restrictions early
✔ Read the wedding website for all the pertinent details
✔ Follow the attire rules
✔ Arrive on time and attend all events
✔ Put your phone away
✔ Mingle and make PG conversation
✔ Talk to the family of the marrying couple
✔ Moderate your drinking, if you’re drinking alcohol
✔ Dance it up
✔ Remember to bring your wedding favor home
✔ Congratulate and thank the newly married couple