Social Customs: Bar/Bat Mitzvah
Each bar or bat mitzvah is as unique as the person celebrating.
Each bar or bat mitzvah is as unique as the person celebrating.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLEach bar or bat mitzvah is as unique as the person celebrating.
What we'll cover
Bar or bat mitzvahs are Jewish coming of age ceremonies. “Bar mitzvah” means “son of the commandment” in Hebrew and bat mitzvah means “daughter of the commandment” in Hebrew. Many individual Jewish communities also recognize b’nai mitzvahs to include nonbinary folks. These important religious ceremonies are typically followed by festive parties.
In this Social Customs guide, we’ll provide an overview of bar and bat mitzvahs. We’ll also let you know what to do at these events and what not to say to someone celebrating this important rite of passage.
An overview
The term “bar mitzvah” was first used in the 14th century, but similar ceremonies have been around since the 4th century. The “bat mitzvah,” a ceremony for girls, began much later. Judith Kaplan became the first girl to celebrate a bat mitzvah in New York City in 1922. Bat mitzvahs became common during the 1970s.
In the year preceding the bar or bat mitzvah, children engage in a course of study, including Hebrew lessons and lessons about Judaism. Bar or bat mitzvah preparation often includes volunteer work. Individual study requirements are determined by the synagogue the family attends. As a result, bar or bat mitzvah ceremonies vary widely, depending on the congregation and denomination.
Most boys have their bar mitzvah at 13 and girls can have a bat mitzvah beginning at age 12. They often take place within a synagogue during the normal Saturday services. Children will often read a portion of the Torah aloud to the congregation and may even chant the b'rachot for the haftarah or deliver a sermon. (The haftarah is a reading selected weekly for Shabbat services. The b’rachot is recited before this reading.) The ceremony marks their adulthood in the faith and their new obligation to honor the commandments.
Bar or bat mitzvahs are usually celebrated by children, but adult converts may also celebrate a bar or bat mitzvah.
What to do
Bar or bat mitzvahs differ, depending on the denomination of the celebrants and the way the synagogue celebrates. These general tips should serve you well for any bar or bat mitzvah and its related parties.
— RSVP. Bar and bat mitzvahs are ceremonies (and parties) often years in the making. RSVP so your loved one knows to count on your attendance.
— Dress modestly. A dress code may be included on the invitation, but, even without one, you should dress nicely for the bar or bat mitzvah. This could mean nice slacks, a tie and jacket, or a nice jumpsuit or dress. Modest clothing is best. If you are attending an Orthodox ceremony, it is advised for women to wear dresses instead of pants. Orthodox synagogues may have stricter dress codes than their Conservative or Reform counterparts.
Note: There are many denominations of Judaism, But the three largest are Reform, Conservative and Orthodox. The denominations have theological differences, each with its own way of reading the Torah. Orthodox synagogues practice a much more literal reading of the Torah and its laws than Reform and Conservative synagogues.
— Ask about dress code, if need be. Some synagogues may require head coverings for both men and women. For men, head coverings (like yarmulkes) will typically be available when you enter. For women, head coverings usually mean a hat. If you are unsure about the appropriate attire, ask in advance.
— Do not bring a plus one, unless invited to do so. Only those listed on the invitation are invited. Do not bring an uninvited plus one to the event.
— Arrive on time. Bar and bat mitzvahs take place during the normal Saturday services of a synagogue. The regular congregation will be celebrating alongside your loved one. Arrive on time out of respect for the congregation and for your celebrating loved one.
— Turn off your phone. Like when attending a wedding or other important event, turn off your phone so you do not interrupt the services.
— Don’t take photos in the synagogue. It is inappropriate to take photos during the bar or bat mitzvah ceremony. Avoid offending anyone by putting away the camera until the party later.
— Don’t worry about faith differences. If you’ve been invited to a bar or bat mitzvah in a faith different from your own, don’t worry. You are important to the celebrant if you were invited. Behave respectfully, and you’ll sail through the event.
— Bring a gift to the party. If you are attending a bar or bat mitzvah, it is appropriate to bring a gift to the party. Do not bring a gift to the synagogue. Jewelry and money are common gifts. The number 18 represents good luck and gifters will often make out checks in 18 dollar increments. Religious-themed gifts, like Shabbat candlesticks or mezuzahs, are also appropriate.
Note: If the celebrant is Orthodox, it may be best to give a gift after the entire event, not just after the religious ceremony. Bar and bat mitzvahs often occur on Shabbat, when it is prohibited to handle money. If you’re unsure, ask.
— Drink in moderation. Most bar or bat mitzvah celebrations include alcohol. If you choose to imbibe, make sure you drink in moderation. This is a family celebration. You don’t want to embarrass anyone or yourself.
— Congratulate the celebrant. Make sure you congratulate the celebrant on reaching their bar or bat mitzvah. The celebrant has engaged in up to a year of work to get to this moment. They deserve your congratulations. “Mazel tov!” is an appropriate way to express congratulations.
— Congratulate the parents and other family members. Like other religious ceremonies, bar or bat mitzvahs are a communal as well as personal celebration. The entire family has worked alongside the celebrating child to get them to this day. Give them your congratulations. “Mazel tov!” is an appropriate way to express your congratulatory wishes.
— Have fun. Bar and bat mitzvahs are often large events, much like quinceañeras and other coming-of-age ceremonies. Be prepared to have fun and hit the dance floor.
— Thank the organizer. Bar and bat mitzvahs are typically organized by the parents of the celebrant. Say “thank you” before you leave and give them your congratulations one more time.
What not to say
Bar and bat mitzvahs are a joyous and exciting event. Children are being declared full members of their faith, with all the celebration that requires. Avoid saying the following to keep that celebratory mood.
"How long is this service?"
Why it doesn't work: Bar or bat mitzvahs have a religious component as well as a party. Do not chat during the service. It is inappropriate, rude and may embarrass your guests in front of their congregation. Pay attention and be respectful.
"You tried your best."
Why it doesn't work: The bar or bat mitzvah includes public speaking. Your celebrating loved one may have had some nerves about it. Even if they stumbled over their words or seemed nervous, be generous with your praise. They worked very hard to get to this moment. Keep any criticisms to yourself.
"Who picked this theme? It’s so weird!
Why it doesn't work: Bar and bat mitzvah parties often have a theme picked by the celebrant. (For example, current professional wrestler Maxwell Jacob Friedman had a wrestling theme for his 2009 bar mitzvah.) The theme may not be to your taste, but it is likely beloved by the 12 or 13-year-old you are celebrating. Keep your comments about the theme to yourself.
"This would be a better party without the kids."
Why it doesn't work: The celebrant typically invites all of their friends (as well as adult loved ones) to their bar or bat mitzvah. The party is for your 12 or 13-year-old loved one, not adults. Have a fun time and remember what it was like to be a kid.
"What the !%&#?!"
Why it doesn't work: This is a party filled with kids. Keep your language and conversation PG-13 at best. Avoid swearing.
What to say
Bar or bat mitzvahs are a time when many people in your loved one’s life come together to celebrate their newfound position in their faith. You’ll encounter friends, family, co-workers and many others. You will likely not know everyone at the party. If you’re worried about mingling, here are some reliable conversational topics.
— The party. Discussing the party you are at is always a winner. Compliment your loved one’s reading of the Torah, the decor and the food. This is always a good way to kick off conversation.
— The celebrant. Sharing your favorite stories about the celebrant is always appropriate at a bar or bat mitzvah. Brag about your loved one. Now is the time to talk up the bar or bat mitzvah celebrant. Make sure your stories are ones they wouldn’t mind their classmates hearing, since many of them will likely be at the party.
— Pop culture. Books, TV and movies are good topics for conversation. Share what you’ve been watching and reading, and get some recommendations for what to tune into next.
The gut check
Bar and bat mitzvahs are important and celebratory events. RSVP in advance. Dress modestly and behave respectfully during the ceremony. Bring a gift. Say “congratulations” to the celebrant and their family. Drink in moderation and have fun.
Checklist
✔ RSVP
✔ Dress modestly and follow the dress code
✔ Ask if you’re not sure about dress or gifts
✔ Arrive on time to the ceremony
✔ Keep your phone quiet and away during the ceremony
✔ Bring a gift to the party
✔ If writing a check, increments of $18 is best
✔ Say “mazel tov” to the celebrant and their family
✔ If drinking alcohol, moderate
✔ Have fun
✔ Hit the dance floor
✔ Say “thank you” and “congratulations” again before you leave