Social Customs: Dinner Parties
Some social graces never go out of style.
Some social graces never go out of style.
Some social graces never go out of style.
What we'll cover
Formalities are out; kindness is in. The rules of a traditional dinner party don’t necessarily apply today, but there are some social graces that never go out of style. In today’s less traditional society, we recommend leaning on acts of thoughtfulness. What can you say to engage with the people around you? What can you do to be a compassionate friend? Asking yourself these questions before, during and after you attend a dinner party will guide you more often than just sticking to the rules of etiquette from the past.
In this Social Customs guide to dinner parties, we’ll discuss respecting the home as well as offer our suggestions for how to be a more thoughtful guest while attending a dinner party.
Respecting differences
The rules of dinner parties have become more, not less, informal. Menus are often crafted potluck style, start and end times are malleable, and dress attire is typically whatever makes you feel comfortable (unless a dress code is given on the invitation). But what hasn’t changed throughout the years is respect for the host.
You were selected to attend for a reason. And a dinner party is a major endeavor for any host. Be respectful of their home, abide by any particular rules if they have them and help out when you can. Let the homeowner lead the vibe of the night. Being perfect is impossible, but kindness is timeless.
While there are common rules for manners across the world, many cultures have different practices at dinner parties. “Other people, in other parts of the world today, have rules that are different from ours, and it is important to try to comprehend the reasoning that lies behind what they do if we are to understand what we do and why,” writes author Margaret Visser in her book The Rituals of Dinner: The Origins, Evolution, Eccentricities, and Meaning of Table Manners.
For example, it is the norm to remove your shoes before entering many Asian, Eastern European and Middle Eastern American homes. To not do so may be a sign of disrespect. According to a survey from YouGov, 31% of Americans will “always” take their shoes off in their home, and one in 10 will always request their guests take their shoes off before entering their home.
If you are unsure of potentially different cultural practices, ask about them ahead of time. You can use statements like, “I want to be respectful of your home and how you celebrate. Is there anything I should know or do ahead of time?” Let the host lead the conversation about social practices. If you are still unsure, you can always research specific cultural practices ahead of time.
What to do
Social situations can be tricky. Utilize these suggestions before, during and after you attend a dinner party to be a more considerate guest for the host and others in attendance.
— RSVP ASAP. Sending your RSVP lets the host know how many people will be in attendance and how much to prepare for the dinner. Surprising the host with your attendance at the dinner without an RSVP makes for a more stressful experience. And bringing an uninvited guest is even more stressful. Don’t do it.
— Give a head’s up. Got a dietary allergy? Inform the host ahead of time, preferably no less than a week before the event. This will help them avoid cross-contamination and prepare some menu items you can eat. If you’re very concerned, ask if you can bring a dish you’ll be able to consume.
— Offer help. Before you arrive, maybe an hour or two before the start time, ask the host if there’s anything you can pick up for them. There’s almost always one or two things they may have forgotten in their planning. Offering to take one thing off their plate is a great way to show you care.
— Arrive late. But not too late. Aim for about 15-30 minutes after the start time for dinner parties in case the host needs a little extra time to prep the food (or themselves).
— Bring a gift. It can (and should) be small, but it should be something. A bottle of wine never fails. A beautiful candle always comes in handy. A house plant is sweet and unexpected.
— Stay engaged. You know how you always talk about needing to spend less time on the phone? This is the perfect time to do so. Keep your phone away, at least over the course of the actual dinner. Texting and taking phone calls in an intimate setting is rude.
— Pitch in. Always offer to help clean up. Some hosts may turn down your offer, but many will appreciate the extra hand in the kitchen, even if it’s just to load the dishwasher. And if it’s during the party, your help will allow the host to return to the gathering more quickly.
— Say thanks. A formal thank you card may have been par for the course in the past, but a simple phone call, email or text message will suffice today. Let the host know you appreciate their time, effort and hospitality.
What not to say
Topics previously considered taboo are no longer off-the-table for some dinner party discussions. But that does not mean you should barrel into a discussion with a disregard for the other guests at the event. Avoid inappropriate or uncomfortable discussions that pry into the personal lives of other people. Here are suggestions for other things to avoid talking about at dinner parties.
“Why aren’t you drinking?”
Why it doesn't work: Although dinner parties are often times when guests consume alcohol, not everyone wants to or can drink. Never pressure or inquire about why someone has chosen not to drink alcohol. If they want to share this information with you, they will. But if they decline, accept their choice. “No” is a complete sentence.
“You’ve certainly got a full plate tonight.”
Why it doesn't work: Keeping watch of other people’s eating habits, whether they choose to consume a lot or a little, is rude. It is not your responsibility to monitor other people’s dining habits, even in an intimate space like a dinner party. There are many reasons why a person may choose to consume an amount of food in a manner not like yours. Making a point to bring it up in conversation can make the other person uncomfortable or upset.
“What kind of salary are you making at your new job?”
Why it doesn't work: Inquiring about how much a person is or isn’t making is still considered out-of-place, especially at a gathering where the guests may not know each other. That doesn’t mean any topic related to money (or politics or other controversial topics) is off-the-table. For example, discussing things like the funding for a local arts center or the rise of inflation are perfectly fine). However, asking questions about an individual person’s finances is still considered rude and should be avoided as much as possible to not cause offense. You are forcing vulnerability and presuming intimacy about someone else’s personal life.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: You are not expected to be the life of the party at every dinner party you may attend, but you were invited to this event to be an engaged participant. Ask lighthearted, yet meaty questions about the other people in attendance. Practice active listening with the other dinner party guests and offer your own ideas or reflections to conversations that peak your interest.
What to say
Use your best judgment. Has the conversation become combative? Is your discussion overwhelming the room and dominating the ability for others to also talk? If so, lean away from controversial topics and pivot toward more neutral areas like television, music and art.
— Ask about their interests. Unlike a house party, a dinner party is the perfect time to meet people you don’t know. Since you’ll likely be sitting for most of the time, a dinner party offers the opportunity to engage in intimate conversation with the people around you. Come to the party with open-ended questions to engage others (What have you been watching recently? What are you most looking forward to in the new year?). Don’t feel obligated to talk to everyone, Let the conversation flow naturally. If you say the wrong thing, apologize for your offense as quickly as possible.
The gut check
If all else fails, remember that you are a guest in someone else’s home. Bring a gift to show appreciation for their hospitality, engage in small talk with people you may not know, avoid overindulgence and lean into kindness.
Checklist
✔ Send your RSVP
✔ Inform the host of any dietary restrictions
✔ Purchase a hostess gift
✔ Ask the host if they need anything
✔ Send a thank you note after the party
✔ Add the dinner party to your Thoughtful Memories