Social Customs: Engagement Parties
How to celebrate the engaged couple before their big day.
How to celebrate the engaged couple before their big day.
How to celebrate the engaged couple before their big day.
What we'll cover
Engagements are often the first step towards marriage. An engaged couple may throw a number of events prior to their wedding to celebrate their upcoming nuptials and their current relationship.
In this “Social Customs” guide, we’ll give you a brief overview of engagement. We’ll also cover what to do, what not to say and how to be the best guest you can be during an engagement party.
Understanding engagements
Engagement is a period prior to marriage. In some cultures and religions, this period includes some pre-marriage counseling. Catholics, for example, engage in a pre-marriage counseling period called Pre-Cana (named after the Biblical wedding in Cana).
Depending on the cultural context, engagement looks different for everyone. But often, the pre-marriage period features an exchange between the to-be-married couple, such as the modern engagement ring. In some cases, both parties in the couple receive rings. In some couples, only one party receives a ring. Some cultures—like within the Indian community—use different jewelry during the engagement period, like bangles.
The jewel, gem or metal featured in engagement jewelry changes based on cultural context and couple preference. Diamonds, for many years, were marketed specifically towards newly engaged couples. But many have eschewed diamonds in recent years, due to changing tastes and concerns about the conditions around diamond mining.
What to do
Engagement parties are a time to bring together everyone a couple loves to celebrate the newest step in their relationship. As a party where you may not know many of the guests, it can be a nerve-wracking event to attend. But with these tips, it’ll be a fun time.
— RSVP. Engagement parties are frequently catered affairs, occurring at a restaurant or catering hall. Therefore, it is important to RSVP in a timely fashion to allow the hosts to have an accurate headcount.
— Share food allergies and intolerances. Since engagement parties are frequently catered, it is important to notify the host about any food preferences you may have. If you are allergic to something or follow a specific diet (such as vegetarianism), let your host know in advance.
— Gifts are nice, but not necessary. Unless otherwise indicated on the invitation, guests are usually not required to bring a gift to an engagement party. If you feel awkward showing up empty handed, a nice handwritten note to the newly engaged couple or a donation to a favored charity on their behalf may be appropriate.
— Dress appropriately. The venue of the engagement party will usually speak to the dress code, and the invitation may include an idea of the dress code. If not, plan to dress up a bit, but not too much. Engagement parties are frequently a time for cocktail attire. (For more information on dress codes, see our Social Customs article on weddings.)
— Congratulate the couple. The newly engaged couple will likely have several people trying to speak to them throughout the party. At some point, congratulate them both. However, don’t monopolize their time, as every attendee is someone with whom they’d likely like to speak to during the event.
— Speak to the parents. The engagement party is a time to bring family and friends together. Traditionally, engagement parties were hosted by the bride's parents. Now, the engagement party may be hosted by anyone close to the engaged couple. If the parents of the engaged couple are there, it is important to introduce yourself and congratulate them on the couple’s engagement. If they are hosting the party, give them a compliment about the event.
— Don't overdo it. If you are drinking alcohol, be mindful of how much you are consuming. It is not a time to be intoxicated.
— Respect social conventions. Engagement parties have certain social conventions. For example, some guests may be asked to give toasts (particularly the parents of the would-be married couple). Do not give a toast unless you are prompted to do so, and listen when the toasts are made rather than making side conversation.
— Be social. Unlike other parties, where you may know most of the attendees, engagement parties may feature a large number of people with whom you are not acquainted. Don’t be shy. Introduce yourself and get to know the other people important to the engaged couple.
— Say thank you. Give your thanks to the host when you leave. This is also a good time to say “congratulations” yet again.
What not to say
Engagements and weddings are exciting times for couples. But it is also a time when people tend to ask invasive questions. By avoiding these topics, you’ll be sure to make the engaged couple feel celebrated, rather than smothered.
“You need to use my caterer for the wedding!”
Why it doesn't work: If your loved one asks for wedding planning advice, certainly offer it, but don’t presume. Engaged couples are often inundated with suggestions from well-meaning loved ones. Couples can get annoyed by this kind of unsolicited advice. It’s better to wait to be asked rather than pushing your taste on the newly engaged couple.
“When are you having kids?”
Why it doesn't work: Just because the couple is engaged does not mean they are discussing family planning quite yet, or even at all. And, even when they do, they may never discuss it with you. Asking about the plan to have children, unprompted, is rude in the majority of situations.
“So am I a bridesmaid/groomsman?”
Why it doesn't work: You love the newly engaged couple and you want to be part of their special day, which is great! But don’t pressure them to add you to the wedding party or have any particular role in the wedding. Let them decide and let you know rather than pushing them to add you, which may backfire. Traditionally, an invite to the engagement party meant an invite to the wedding, but this may not be the case now. It is best not to make assumptions of any kind.
“I can’t believe you’re getting married.”
Why it doesn't work: Even if your loved one was a consummate single at some point, they have clearly changed their tune. Avoid any phrasing that could be read as dismissive or rude. Even if you are genuinely surprised by someone’s engagement, it is best to keep that to yourself.
What to say
Engagement parties are a good time to make conversation, meet people important to your friends and celebrate the life they are planning together.
— The couple. The newly engaged couple is obviously a great topic of conversation. Sharing your favorite details and stories (as long as those stories are PG-13, at worst) can let you celebrate the couple and make new connections.
— Friendship history. Asking someone how they know the engaged couple is a great icebreaker in any wedding-related events. How did they meet? How long have they been friends? These sorts of questions are a great way to launch into other conversational topics.
— The party. The event you are at is always a good topic of conversation. Give some compliments about the party. Now, you are a great guest and on your way to making party-appropriate small talk.
The gut check
An engagement party is a time to celebrate the to-be-married couple. Focus on celebrating them, and you will be a great guest. RSVP and let the hosts know any of your dietary restrictions. Don’t feel obligated to bring a gift. Follow the dress code, congratulate the couple and thank the host. Compliment the party and be a conscientious guest.
Checklist
✔ RSVP
✔ Let the host know dietary restrictions in advance
✔ Gifts are nice, but not a must
✔ Follow the dress code
✔ Congratulate the couple
✔ Compliment the party
✔ Speak to the family of the couple
✔ Be quiet during toasts
✔ Introduce yourself to others
✔ Thank the host