Social Customs: Family & Holiday Dinners
How to be a good guest, even close to home
How to be a good guest, even close to home.
What we'll cover
Holidays are one of the best times to celebrate with loved ones. Each holiday comes with its own unique traditions, but the family holiday dinner also comes with universal worries.
In this “Social Customs” guide, we’ll give you a brief overview of the history of holidays. We’ll also cover what to do, what not to say and how to be the best guest you can be during an upcoming holiday dinner.
Holidays throughout history
Holidays have existed since the beginning of time. And many of our current holidays grew out of ancient holidays. For example, some believe December was selected to celebrate Christmas to take advantage of a Roman festival for Sol Invictus. Most holidays derive from even older celebratory traditions. Holidays shift and grow as they age, with new traditions being added or dropped as culture changes.
But most holidays have one thing in common: feasting. Even holidays focused on fasting, such as Ramadan and Yom Kippur, are accompanied by an equally important post-fast feast. When civilization was built around the agricultural calendar, holidays were an important part of the year in which families could celebrate the bounty of the harvest. Holidays and food go together.
What to do
Everyone’s relationship with their family is different, but you are still a guest when attending a family holiday dinner. Don’t ignore the rules of politeness just because of your familiarity. It is especially important to be a good guest if you are attending another family’s celebration. It is an honor to be asked to celebrate with a family, and you should keep that in mind when you attend.
• RSVP. RSVP as soon as you receive the invite. Let your loved one know when you’re arriving. Holidays, for example, can be a busy time where you need to balance multiple engagements. If you can only attend for some of the event, let your loved one know. However long you’re there, it is important for a host to get a headcount for food and other items.
• Offer to bring a dish or bring a gift. Speaking of food, hosting a family holiday can be a massive undertaking. Offer to bring a dish, if you can. If your loved one insists on making all the food themselves, bring a thoughtful gift to show your appreciation for their hard work. If you are a guest of someone else’s family, it is imperative to bring a gift for the host, even if the host demurs when you offer to make a dish.
• Dress appropriately. Every family has their own dress code. If your family treats holidays as a time to dress up, make sure you wear your best outfit to match. However, if everyone is dressing casually, don’t don a full suit. Dress to match your family’s vibe. If you are a guest of someone else’s family, ask for the dress code in advance from whoever issued the invitation.
• Arrive close to the start time. Being first to arrive is never a good look. Arrive within fifteen minutes of the party’s start time. This will allow your host to be prepared to receive you. It also lets them know you value their time.
• Don’t overdo it. Just as with any party, this isn’t a time to overindulge in food or alcohol. Keep moderation in mind as you navigate this event.
• Follow along. If you are dining with a family that is different from your own, follow the lead of the person who invited you. If you are unsure about a dish or which utensil to use, ask polite questions or simply follow the lead of those around you.
• Give compliments. This rule is especially true for guests that are not in the family. If you are visiting another person’s home and eating their food for the first time, offer kind compliments about the decor and the dishes.
• Pitch in. Don’t let your great aunt Edna clean up the dinner table. Be the first to pitch in by clearing places or doing dishes. Be mindful of elder relatives and children. Help them out when you see them struggling.
• Catch up. Holidays are a great time to reconnect with family members and friends who you do not see frequently. Make sure to greet each guest. Take time to get the details of the lives of those you love.
• Say "thank you." Say “thank you” to the host when you leave, and follow up later with a thank you note saying the same. Thanks can be delivered via phone, email, text or a handwritten note. Throwing a holiday party is a big effort, and you want to let your host know you see them. If you are not a member of the family, a handwritten note is your best bet.
What not to say
Family is complicated. Closeness between family members can create some of the tightest bonds in the world. But it also means family can get under your skin in a way no one else can, since they know more about you than most people. Keep conversation away from these topics to keep the peace at family events.
"Did you gain/lose weight?"
Why it doesn't work: Commenting on someone’s body is never appropriate, no matter your relationship with them. If someone brings up their own body (“I’m very happy. I gained five pounds.”), it may be appropriate to chime in with congratulations, but otherwise steer clear.
"When are you getting married/having kids?"
Why it doesn't work: Let people decide their own timelines for their lives. Let your loved ones give you this vital information, rather than seeking it out. They’ll let you know when the time is right for them to take those big life steps.
"You always do this."
Why it doesn't work: Holiday parties aren’t the time to litigate old arguments. If you feel tempted to bring up old wounds, give yourself a break from the festivities by stepping outside or taking a moment to text a friend. Bringing up bad memories will create an awkward atmosphere.
What to say
Family holiday parties are the time to catch up on what your relatives have been up to during the year. If you find yourself running out of conversation topics, here are a few to get you started.
• Family life. Ask your relatives about the exciting, but small things happening in their lives. Did your cousin Ben lose his first tooth? Is Nora enjoying her dance team? Ask about their activities and hobbies to keep things light. Now is the time to ask your relatives (especially those you do not see frequently) about what they’ve done since you last saw them.
• Hobbies and interests. Has anyone in your family picked up a new hobby or interest in the last year? Ask them about it! Interests can create bridges between you and your relatives. Maybe you never related to your aunt in the past but now you are both really into rock climbing. This is the time to make those connections.
• Happy memories. Family holiday parties are a great time to share your favorite stories. Sit down with those you love, and tell the stories that make your family what it is. Get together and laugh again about the time your uncle went to the Grand Canyon. Ask your grandmother about her mother’s time as the head of the teacher’s union. By sharing stories, families reflect on happier times and can share important family history with younger generations. Family history is kept alive and expanded on in these moments. Happy reminiscing is known to decrease cortisol, a hormone associated with stress.
The gut check
Even if you’re at a close family member’s house, it is important to remember that you are a guest. Provide a timely RSVP. Bring a gift or a dish. Offer to help out. Keep conversation flowing. Say “thanks.”
Checklist
✔ RSVP
✔ Wear an appropriate outfit
✔ Arrive within 15 minutes of the start time
✔ Offer to provide a dish or bring a thoughtful gift
✔ Pitch in to help elder and younger relatives
✔ Take time to talk to each relative at the party
✔ Say “thank you” to the host, and follow up with a note