Social Customs: Hosting an Overnight Guest
How to find harmony when guests are staying inside your home.
How to find harmony when guests are staying inside your home.
How to find harmony when guests are staying inside your home.
What we'll cover
Having friends stay with you can be as joyous as it is frustrating. Hosting guests can mean more unplanned moments together, but it can also lead to headaches you didn’t anticipate.
In this “Social Customs” guide to hosting a houseguest, we’ll give you a quick lesson in good communication. We’ll also tell you what to do, what conversations to avoid and what to say to give your guests a pleasant experience.
Communication is key
Having a houseguest isn’t the same as having a roommate, but some similar principles apply. Before your guest arrives, have a clear and open dialogue about your expectations. This is especially important if you do not have children and are hosting someone who does. You may discover “kid-proofing” a house is more effort than you originally anticipated.
By having clear communication before your guest arrives, you’ll head off a lot of potential issues. Make sure to give your guest and yourself some space to be grumpy and allow for potential miscommunications. Don’t jump to conclusions about why your guest has done something you don’t (for example, they put the tomatoes in the refrigerator). Give them the benefit of the doubt.
What to do
Having a friend stay can be a whirlwind. You’re planning for your life, plus someone that you love. Be sure to follow these guidelines to make the stay as painless and fun as you can.
— Be clear about your schedule. When you are having a guest stay, you can’t expect them to intuit your schedule. If you have adopted a cat since you last saw your loved one, let them know. If you have kids who love to reenact scenes from Titanic every Saturday morning at 7 a.m., let them know. If you’re planning on working and not pausing your other activities while they are there, let them know. Give them a look at the family calendar, and be realistic about how much time you’ll have together. Be realistic about when you need the house quiet for the night. If you and the kids are usually asleep by nine, give them a heads up.
— Clean the house. Before your houseguest arrives, you’ll want to clean your house, including the place where they will be staying. Give the guest bed sheets a fresh wash, vacuum in all those hard-to-reach places, and make sure your house is looking its best.
— Keep the kitchen stocked. You aren’t required to feed your houseguest breakfast, lunch and dinner. They are a loved one, not a paying customer. That being said, having ample food and drinks in the house is always a good move. If your guest wants a midnight snack, you don’t want them to stoop to gnawing on that old Parmesan rind that’s stuck in the back of your fridge.
— Prep some info in advance. To help your loved one and cut down on your own potential frustration, it is a good idea to prep some information on your city in advance. Think of your guest and their interests. If your loved one is a pastry fiend, send them over an email with all your favorite bakeries, for example.
— Stock the guest room. You aren’t a hotel, but it is still a nice idea to stock the guest room with treats and necessities. Extra pillows, extra blankets and bath towels are all good things to lay out in advance where your loved one will be staying. Add a snack to kick it up a notch.
— Provide some entertainment. Point out books, movies and board games that may interest your loved one when they arrive. If you are hosting children and have none of your own, providing a fun game is a good way to make sure they feel included and entertained.
— Expect they'll use your shampoo. It is suggested to houseguests to bring their own toiletries. But this is often not how it plays out. If your loved one is traveling a fair distance, especially by plane, they may not bring necessities like shampoo, conditioner or lotion with them. Have some on hand that you don’t mind someone else using.
— Give them a tour. When your loved one arrives, give them a tour of your place, even if they’ve been there before. If your loved one has visited for an afternoon, they likely don’t know where you keep the extra toilet paper. But if they’re there for a week, they’ll want to know. Give them the details of where all the necessities are located.
— Make time for them. Set aside a dedicated time to hang out with your houseguest. They should not be reliant on you for all their plans while they stay, but it is important to spend time together. Make dinner plans or go to a museum; just do something where you can really hang out.
— Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When a guest is staying with you, don’t be afraid to ask for their help. If you’re washing the dishes, perhaps they could dry them, for example. Not only does this alleviate the burden of cleaning for everyone, but it also gives you time to catch up.
What not to say
When you have someone staying in your home, it is important to remember it is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t power through your mutual goodwill before you need to by avoiding these faux pas.
“Well, usually we…”
Why it doesn't work: Starting a sentence this way can sound passive aggressive. If you do not like something your guest is doing, be direct, clear and kind. Passive aggression only creates space for misunderstanding.
“I went into your room while you were out…”
Why it doesn't work: If you have set aside a private space for your loved one's stay, respect that privacy. Keep out of their space, if you can. Instead, if you need to give them something or grab something, ask them if you can go in or out of their space.
“Oh, I forgot you were allergic!”
Why it doesn't work: Find out your loved one’s allergies before they arrive, and try to respect those concerns. Of course, if you have a cat and your loved one is allergic, that is a problem for them to surmount. But if they are allergic to shellfish, avoid serving crustaceans for dinner.
“Sorry, I just can't hang out.”
Why it doesn't work: It is kind to invite someone to stay in your home, but that’s not the end of hosting a guest. You need to make time to spend together. Your guest likely appreciates the place to stay, but they are more likely to appreciate time. Make time for them. Carve out some time from your day-to-day life.
“Can you mop the kitchen while I'm gone?”
Why it doesn't work: It is reasonable to ask your houseguest to pitch in while they are there. But this doesn’t mean they are there to clean. Keep your requests reasonable. Asking them to turn on the dishwasher or toss something in the laundry on their way out is different than requesting they dust all your knickknacks and start your spring clean.
What to say
Having a guest can be an emotionally complicated experience. The levels of closeness you and your guests have may be ones you’ve not experienced before. Give your guest and yourself some grace during your shared time together.
— Ask about them. Now is the time to get all the information you’ve been missing about your loved ones. Ask them questions and get the answers you’ve missed out on while you've been apart. Spend time together and really chat.
— Share time. The best part of having a houseguest is the ability to hang out and do nothing. It is great to make conversation, to share about each other’s lives, but make time for the quiet moments, too. Watch a movie together and aimlessly hang out. Take advantage of your close quarters.
The gut check
Hosting someone is about being kind and communicating clearly. Prep for their arrival by cleaning and stocking your house. Tell them your schedule; don’t expect them to know it. Ask for help if you need it. Make time to be together.
Checklist
✔ Be clear with your guest about your schedule
✔ Prep the guest room before they arrive
✔ Stock your fridge and your bathroom for a guest
✔ Prep some info for their stay in your town—great restaurants, fun activities, etc.
✔ Ask for help if you need it
✔ Give your guest (and yourself) some grace
✔ Make time to be together