Social Customs: Houseguest
How to be the kind of guest who is invited back
How to be the kind of guest who is invited back
What we'll cover
Staying at someone else’s home can be an experience full of fun and challenges. When staying with a friend, we can get nearly unlimited time together. But we also face a different routine, a different lifestyle and a different set of rules.
In this “Social Customs” guide to being a houseguest, we’ll talk about house parties. We’ll discuss what to do if you want to be a top-tier houseguest. We’ll also point out what subjects to avoid while staying in someone else’s home.
Historical house parties
Throughout history, there has been one consistent place to stay: a friend’s house. In the 18th and 19th centuries, house parties were popular events for the members of the upper crust. During these periods, it was not unusual for people to host visitors to their large manor estates for days at a time. House parties of the period were a way to mingle with mixed gender groups and play parlor games, many of which survive to this day. Games, such as charades and twenty questions, were very popular during this period.
House parties of this type are documented in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Edith Wharton’s House of Mirth, proving this was a common practice in the UK and the U.S. throughout the 1800s and into the 1900s.
What to do
Staying at a friend's home can be a fun and casual way to travel. But it is important to remember that you are a guest in someone else’s home. By keeping in mind a few simple rules, you can be the kind of houseguest invited back time and again.
• Be clear about your schedule. When staying at someone else’s home, it is important to let the host know your schedule. Let the host know when you are arriving and leaving. Also, be sure to send them a text when you are on route to their house that day. You don't want to show up unexpectedly.
• Bring a gift. Just like a dinner party, you do not want to arrive empty handed. Arrive with a simple host gift in hand. Traditional host gifts include a bottle of wine, a bouquet of flowers or a baked good.
• Bring toothpaste. It is important to try to bring your own toiletries to your friend’s home when you are staying. Toiletries include toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner and skincare products. You do not want to assume your loved one will let you use theirs.
• Be aware of the house rules. Do your friends take their shoes off in their home? Is snacking confined to the kitchen? Make note of and respect the rules of your loved ones’ home. You are a guest.
• Help out. Stand out as a house guest by helping out throughout your stay. Offer to assist with the dishes, and lend a hand whenever you can.
• Keep clean. Keep the guest room and any bathroom you have access to clean during your stay. Remember to tidy up before you leave. If staying in a guest room, be sure to strip the bed before you depart. Leave the sheets and pillowcases in a neat pile at the end of the bed.
• Treat the host. If you are staying with a loved one, offer to treat them to dinner during your stay.
• Have your own plans. It is important to be a relatively self-sufficient guest when staying in someone else’s home. Your host is not your travel director. This is especially true if you are visiting during a work week, when your host may have other responsibilities. Be sure you have your own plans and are not overly reliant on your host to occupy every hour of your time. That being said, also make time to visit with the host. Don’t make it feel like you’re just using their home as a place to stay.
• Send a thank you note. Say thank you as you leave. Follow that up with a handwritten thank you note when you get home.
What not to say
When in someone’s home, it is important to be respectful and kind above all else. Avoid these faux pas.
"In my house…"
Why it doesn't work: Things may run differently in your home, but documenting the differences is not necessary. Follow the rules of your host’s home, and keep your thoughts on how they run their home to yourself.
"Can I smoke?"
Why it doesn't work: Don’t smoke inside someone’s home. Do not ask if it would be okay to smoke inside. If your hosts smoke indoors, it may be appropriate to ask, but that is the only time it would be okay to do so.
"Can you buy some strawberries?"
Why it doesn't work: There may be certain foods you keep in your house that your host doesn’t usually have. If you’d like to eat those things, it would be better to ask your host if they have room in their fridge for a few items you’d like to purchase. You should not assume your host will keep their house stocked to your food preferences.
"I’ll be back around 1 a.m. with my friend Phil!"
Why it doesn't work: When staying at someone else’s home, it is important to respect their schedule and their space. Do not bring unexpected guests to their home. Avoid making too much noise at night, and try not to leave or arrive at late hours. Your host may have a schedule that conflicts with your own, especially if they are working during your stay. If your host has children, this rule is especially important to note. Try your best to not interrupt the home’s schedule but rather adapt to it.
"You shouldn’t spoil your dog/make your kid eat all their veggies/clean with that product."
Why it doesn't work: You are a guest. Keep your opinions on how your host lives to yourself. Even if you feel like your input might be valuable, do not provide it.
What to say
Being a houseguest can be overwhelming. You are visiting with a loved one, but the levels of closeness may be ones you’ve not experienced. Keep your conversation kind, polite and respectful. There are some things you can always touch on when staying at someone else’s home.
• Compliment their home. It is always nice to hear a compliment about the place you call home. Be sure to provide a nice word about your host’s house or apartment.
• Ask about them. Now is the time to get all the information you’ve missed about your loved ones. Be sure to ask about their life, and spend time with every member of the household. Make the most of your stay by spending time with the people you love.
The gut check
Being a houseguest is all about respecting another person’s day-to-day life. Be respectful of your host’s time and rules. Bring a gift. Help out and stay out of the way, if need be. Say thanks.
Checklist
✔ Let the host know when you are arriving and leaving
✔ Bring a host gift
✔ Respect the house rules
✔ Bring toiletries
✔ Help out when you can
✔ Keep your items and space tidy
✔ Treat your host or offer to buy groceries
✔ Strip the sheets when you leave
✔ Send a handwritten thank you note