Social Customs: Memorial Service
How to attend a memorial service and support those grieving
How to attend a memorial service and support those grieving
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLHow to attend a memorial service and support those grieving
What we'll cover
Like funerals, memorial services are hard and somber events. When attending a funeral or memorial service, your presence alone can often bring comfort to grievers. People may feel awkward or uncomfortable attending these events (especially if you’ve never attended a memorial service before). But your attendance shows the mourners that you care about them and are there for them during this period of grief.
Note: Every memorial service is different and follows the wishes of the departed or the cultural background of their family. You know your loved ones best. With specific cultural questions, it may be best to reach out to someone in that culture (but who is not currently grieving) to ask them what is appropriate. There are a wide variety of cultural practices relating to death, and some may not align with the suggestions we’ve listed here.
Funerals vs. memorial services
Funerals and memorial services follow many of the same customs. The major difference between a memorial service and a funeral is that the body or the remains of the deceased may not be present at a memorial service. Chanell O’Farrill, funeral director for Hollywood Forever & Hollywood Funeral Home, told us via email, “Typically, the term “memorial service” implies either presence of the urn with cremated remains, or perhaps no physical remains at all present for the service.” This differs from a funeral, where the body is usually present.
Memorial services, rather than funerals, are often held for military personnel who were found missing in action. They are also held for those whose bodies may not be recovered, due to accident, natural disaster or disappearance. Families may choose to hold a memorial service if they are unable to attend a burial. Memorial services can be held whenever is convenient for the grieving, unlike burials which often must happen soon after death.
Memorial services can be held anywhere and do not have to be held in a house of worship or funeral home.
What to do
Memorial services share many of the same best practices as funerals. Like funerals, memorial services typically call for modest, dark-colored clothing. For many cultures, dark-colored clothing is a sign of mourning. (This is not always the case, however. For example, white is a common mourning color in Chinese culture, but is associated with bridal wear in British culture.)
- Arrive on time. Memorial services, much like funerals, are usually held at a specific time. (This differs from wakes, where the grieving family can expect other mourners during a period of time.) If given a specific start time, arrive on time. Arriving late may interrupt the service.
- Turn off your phone. Memorial services are somber events. An ill-timed phone ping or call would be distracting and, potentially, rude. To be safe, turn your phone off or, at the very least, switch it to silent.
- Dress modestly. Although memorial services can occur anywhere, they often take place in houses of worship. Modest and conservative clothing will be appropriate in any religious context.
- Speak quietly. Low and quiet voices are appropriate at a memorial service. Follow the lead of those grieving and don’t call attention to yourself.
- Honor the family's wishes. Often, grieving families will instruct loved ones to give to a specific charity in place of giving flowers or other tokens. Follow those instructions to make things easy for the family during this difficult time.
- Send a note. Those grieving a loss often feel alone in their grief. Sending a note to the mourners lets your loved ones know that you mourn with them. Those grieving need others to rally around them, and a hand-written note sent in the aftermath of a death can be a physical sign of your support.
- Mark the date. For those families whose loved ones are missing or only presumed dead, the memorial service may stand in as their anniversary of a loss. Make note of the date so you can reach out in the years to come.
- Consider other forms of support. Grief is a long and ongoing process. Consider offering your loved ones different kinds of support in the weeks after the memorial service. Providing your loved one with home-cooked meals is often a good way to support others in the wake of grief. For Jewish families sitting shiva, food is a traditional gift for the grieving.
What not to say
People may not know what to say at a memorial service or funeral. But there are certain topics you should avoid to not cause offense.
"Do you know how they died?"
Why it doesn't work: Asking about the manner of death is extremely rude. At memorial services, where a body may not be present, this is particularly fraught. The manner of death may be unknown to the family and the body may not have been recovered. Questions about the details of someone’s passing are generally considered in poor taste. Focus on comforting your grieving loved ones, rather than getting every detail of the deceased’s passing.
“I didn’t really know [the deceased].”
Why it doesn't work: Whether or not you knew the deceased, you know someone close enough to them to be invited to the memorial service. Think about how you can support your loved one, rather than emphasizing your lack of knowledge about the deceased. Memorial services are a time for the living to come together to comfort one another.
“I’ve never been to one of these. I’m really nervous. This is so strange. Don’t you think so? Do I seem like I’m being weird?”
Why it doesn't work: Often, when feeling awkward or self-conscious, people become self-focused. But it is important to keep your focus on those you are there to support. Keep your attention on them, rather than your own insecurities.
"They're in a better place."
Why it doesn't work: Platitudes like this can read as insincere to those mourning. And not all religious traditions believe in the idea of a heaven. These platitudes may not align with the deceased’s own beliefs or the beliefs of their family. According to a 2021 survey by the Pew Research Center, nearly a quarter of U.S. adults don’t believe in heaven or hell.
“Do you remember when George partied on his 21st? He got so drunk.”
Why it doesn't work: Memorial services and funerals are good times to share your memories of the deceased. However, it is best to share only family-friendly tales of the deceased. If you want to share a memory, share one that the deceased’s grandmother wouldn’t mind hearing.
What to say
Every memorial service will be different, depending on the religious beliefs and cultural context of the grieving. However, no matter what kind of memorial service you are attending, there are certain topics that will always be safe for discussion.
- Beloved memories. Sharing your favorite memories of your loved one is always a good way to celebrate their life. Keep to G- and PG-rated memories. These memories are always a good way to let other mourners know they aren’t alone in their grief and celebrate the person who passed.
- The event. Complimenting the event you are attending is a fine topic of conversation for a memorial service. Compliment the decor, any food available and other aspects of the event.
- Ongoing support. A memorial service is often a good time to set up a time to provide ongoing support to those grieving. Asking a good day to bring over a lasagna or make a house call will be appreciated by those who are grieving. O’Farrill says, “Don’t be timid about reaching out, sharing a memory, sharing some tears, maybe even a laugh or just checking in.”
The gut check
Memorial services, like funerals, are events for those grieving. Arrive on time to not interrupt the services. Keep your phone quiet. Send a note and provide support in the ways those grieving request. Keep the date in mind for the years to come.
Checklist
✔ Arrive on time
✔ Dress modestly, in appropriate colors
✔ Turn your phone off or on silent
✔ Keep your voice low
✔ Send a note to those grieving
✔ Mark the date to reach out in the future
✔ Consider other ways you can support those grieving