Social Customs: Roommates
Be a joy to live with using our guide to being roommates.
Be a joy to live with using our guide to being roommates.
Be a joy to live with using our guide to being roommates.
What we'll cover
According to the Pew Research Center, more adults are living with roommates than ever before. In 2017, more than 79 million Americans lived with at least one “extra adult.” But what does it mean to be a good roommate?
In this “Social Customs” guide, we’ll give you a brief overview of living together. We’ll also let you know what to do to be a good roommate and what to avoid, as well as conversation openers to avoid.
A brief history
Living with non-family members is not new. It was especially popular beginning in the 19th century. Increased transportation options fueled an influx into cities, creating the need for rooming, boarding or tenement houses. These often gender-segregated houses provided rooms where single city dwellers could live alongside (and sometimes, in the same room as) other urban professionals like themselves.
At their best, tenement boarding houses provided a fairly safe way to migrate to a new city. But, at their worst, they were subpar and overcrowded housing for those who could not afford better. The shabby nature of tenements gave rise to habitability requirements for apartments and housing. In the United States, the only state without any laws regarding the habitability (or living conditions) of housing is Arkansas.
What to do
Roommate living is about acceptance, understanding and clear communication. These tips can help you be the kind of roommate you’d like to have.
— Be clear about boundaries. If you have specific needs in your living situation or certain boundaries that can’t be crossed, it is important to give this information up front. For example, if you hate cats, let your roommate know before they decide to foster kittens. If you need to be up at 5 a.m. every morning and your potential roommate works nights as a DJ, it may be best to find someone else to put on the lease. Being clear when you first meet, before you sign the lease, is the best way to suss out your potential lifestyle compatibility.
— Ask before taking. Scoops of peanut butter add up. Even if you think you can borrow some milk that your roommate purchased or have a cookie without them noticing, it is better to avoid getting into this cycle. Ask before you borrow anything from your roommate.
— Talk face-to-face. It is important to sit down and have discussions. This is true about day-to-day life stuff, but especially true when you are having issues. It can feel uncomfortable to sit someone down and express your feelings, but it is a much better idea in the long run than leaving a potentially passive-aggressive note or sending a text.
— Clean up common areas. Don’t leave your dishes “soaking” in the sink for days on end. By keeping up with your own messes, you will avoid potential confrontations with your roommate.
— Be careful of your speech. We all want to blow off steam about people in our lives and, given the intimacy of shared living, this is especially true of roommates. But if you want to vent about the person with whom you live, make sure to do it in a kind way and in a space that is not the one you share.
— Be respectful of noise. Even when living with a roommate, your space is your own. You have the right to make some noise, but be cognizant of your roommate and their schedule. If they have a job interview on Monday morning, don’t play Fortnite with the volume up until 2 a.m. on Sunday night.
— Be respectful when hosting guests. Like with noise, you’re allowed to have guests in your space. But if you are hosting a friend overnight or for an extended period of time, ask your roommate first. If you have a partner who frequently stays overnight, be sure to occasionally rendezvous at their space, too.
— Be mindful of your roommate relationship. Roommate relationships can run the gamut from best friendships to passing acquaintances. It is important to know where you fall. Take time to speak with one another and create (at least) a friendly relationship. Remember that your roommate is not your live-in therapist, and you are not theirs. If they are having a tough day, feel free to ask them about it, but you don’t need to be on call 24/7 for your roommate.
— Prioritize alone time. Alone time is reasonable, even in a shared living situation. It is important that you and your roommate both get some time alone in the space. Talk it out if you feel like you never get a second by yourself.
— Be honest but kind. Honesty can be the difference between a good roommate and a terrible roommate situation. Be honest and empathetic. State your needs clearly, but take into account that you both have complicated lives you are trying to balance in a shared space.
What not to say
Living in close quarters can create an intimate environment. This can be a good or bad thing, depending on any number of factors. But, no matter your relationship, it is best to avoid the following conversational openers.
"My last roommate…"
Why it doesn't work: In the same way that no one wants to live in the shadow of an ex, no one wants to hear about an old roommate. Even if your old roommate and you had the best system for paying the light bill, it is better to introduce this information in a more neutral way.
"[a sticky note about doing the dishes]"
Why it doesn't work: Roommates live in the same, shared space. Therefore, any note you leave about a household issue will read as passive aggressive. If you are bothered by something your roommate is doing, give them the courtesy to talk in person about it.
"You never take out the trash."
Why it doesn't work: When discussing shared living problems with someone else, avoid words like “always” and “never.” These words are hyperbolic and undercut your message. Use I-statements to avoid casting blame. An I-statement is one that focuses on your feelings, rather than assuming the feelings of the other person.
For example, if your roommate has guests over for days without asking, it would be better to say, “I feel disrespected when you don’t ask if a guest can stay for two days. It makes me feel like you don’t think of me as an equal part of this house,” rather than saying “You don’t respect me.” Phrasing your feelings in an I-statement and not assuming the other party’s feelings or motivations will help you better understand one another.
For more help on how to have a healthy confrontation, see our guide.
What to say
Getting to know a roommate is paramount! These are things you should know a little bit about if you’re living together.
— Their job. It is important to know your roommate’s general job. What does their schedule look like? What days are hardest for them? By knowing this sort of information from the start, you’ll be able to cut down on potential issues. For example, if your roommate teaches and they don’t get a free period on Thursdays, you can avoid bombarding them when they get home that night. Knowing little things like this will make your living situation easier.
— Their family. You don’t need to know the names of every cousin of theirs, but knowing the basics of their family situation is always helpful. For example, if they have two fathers, they probably don’t make as much note of Mother’s Day as you might.
— Their birthday. Knowing your roommate’s birthday (and how they feel about it) can help you when it pops up on the calendar. If they go all out, feel free to celebrate with them. If they prefer to keep it low key, say “Happy birthday” and go along with it.
— Sports, TV and movies. Pop culture can bridge gaps of all kinds. By knowing what types of movies and television shows your roommate likes to watch, you can create a shared experience. Maybe you can get together to watch the newest episode of Fellowship of the Ring. On the other hand, knowing what they hate is also helpful. If they can’t stand the gore of a slasher, for example, you can plan to watch Scream on the big TV when they’re out for the day.
The gut check
The most important aspect of a roommate relationship is honesty and kindness. Be clear about your boundaries. Be respectful of noise, guests and what you say. Make sure you do your fair share of cleaning. Don’t borrow things from your roommate without asking.
Checklist
✔ Be clear about your boundaries, before you sign the lease
✔ Ask before you take
✔ Talk face-to-face, instead of texting or leaving a note
✔ Do your share of cleaning up
✔ Be mindful of how you talk about your roommate
✔ Don’t let guests overstay their welcome
✔ Be mindful of noise
✔ Make sure to get some alone time
✔ Be honest about your needs