Social Customs: Thank You Notes
Learn how to create one of the best ways to express gratitude.
Learn how to create one of the best ways to express gratitude.
What we'll cover
Thank you notes are a great way to let someone know you appreciate them, and throughout history, people have written thank you notes to let others know how much they mean to them. Archeologists have even found post-interview thank you notes written by soldiers in ancient Rome.
In this “Social Customs” guide, we’ll give you a timeline of when to send thank you notes, the anatomy of a thank you note and suggestions for how to make your thank you notes shine.
When to send
Each situation requiring a thank you note also has an ideal timeline to send them out. Here, we’ll cover typical reasons to send thank you notes along with the format in which you can send them (handwritten or electronic) and the generally accepted timeline for their delivery.
Wedding
Thank you notes from the wedded couple to guests for gifts and attendance should be handwritten and, per the long-standing etiquette guide Emily Post, sent within three months of the wedding.
Job interview
Within a few hours after a job interview, send an electronic thank you note to the person (or persons) who interviewed you.
After an event
If you attended an event, like a dinner party or conference, it is a good idea to send a thank you to the organizers. If the connection is close, a handwritten note is preferred. If it is a professional connection, reach out with thanks in the way that makes the most sense (Slack or email, for example).
Gifts of any kind
Thank you notes for gifts should be handwritten and sent out as soon as possible. If you receive a gift for a birthday, bridal shower, baby shower, holiday or any other milestone, be sure to send a note as soon as possible. Even for traditional gift-giving holidays, thank you notes are appreciated.
Houseguest
If you stayed at someone’s home for any length of time, you should ideally send a handwritten thank you note (but an email will do in a pinch). Send one as soon as you return home.
Letter of recommendation
If you have received a letter of recommendation from someone for a job, academic position or educational opportunity, you should send a thank you note as soon as possible. Send the note in the format that it was provided. If a physical letter was sent out, send a physical letter in thanks. If the recommendation was provided via email, send a thank you email.
After a funeral or loss
Thank you notes after funeral or loss are typically sent to those who provided comfort during mourning. These should be sent out as soon as one can, but, since the person charged with sending notes is bereaved, these can be delayed until the person is back on their feet.
There is never a bad time to send a thank you note (even if you feel like it is too late to send one). When sending a thank you note to someone you know personally, it is best to send a handwritten note.
What to do
There are a few basic rules to follow when writing a thank you note. This section will help keep you on track.
• Write them ASAP. As mentioned above, there is never a bad time to send a thank you note, but sooner is always better. Don’t put off penning your notes.
• Write clearly. We may not have the flowing penmanship of our grandparents, but it is still important to send a legible note. If you find yourself crossing things out every other line, consider rewriting the note to be cleaner before you pop it in an envelope.
• Start with a thank you. Start by saying why you are writing the note. What are you thanking them for? This would be a good time to mention it.
• Include conversational details. Around the thank you (which should take up the bulk of the note) include some conversational sentences. When did you last see the person you are thanking? What gave you occasion to think of them? Include some details about your relationship with the note’s recipient.
• Be specific. Be specific about why you are writing this thank you note. If you are writing to thank them for a gift, make mention of the gift. If you are thanking them for interviewing you, be sure to state that.
• Include a compliment. For thank you notes about gifts, include a detail about what makes the gift special. If writing a post-interview thank you, include a detail from the interview itself. If you were a houseguest, compliment their home.
• Repeat the thanks. Close by saying “thank you” again.
What not to say
Thank you notes are likely to be appreciated in general. But there are a few things you should avoid saying. We’ll help you sidestep any issues.
"I am planning on exchanging it for…"
Why it doesn't work: If you received a gift you plan on exchanging, the recipient does not need to know. Keep this information out of your thank you note. It may cause the recipient to feel embarrassed or hurt to know.
"That interview ruled!"
Why it doesn't work: Make sure the tone of your thank you note matches your relationship to the recipient. If you are writing to a professional contact, you will want to use professional language. If you are writing to a close relative, you want to keep your language informal.
"Thx 4 gift."
Why it doesn't work: Whether you are writing an email or a handwritten thank you note, be sure to use full sentences. Open with a greeting, such as “Dear…” and end with a closing such as “Sincerely” or “Yours.”
What to say
It can be hard to know what to write around the thank you itself. Here are some tips for what to say beyond “thanks.”
• Reminisce. If you are writing to a relative or close friend, including some memories prompted by the reason for the thank you note. This is always appreciated. If they got you a gift you love, did it remind you of another time when they showed you their love through gifts? If they let you stay at their home, did your time together prompt fond memories? Include these details.
• Catch up. If you are writing to someone who you do not see frequently, including questions about their life currently shows your interest. For example, if you know they went on a trip, ask how it was. These questions let your loved one know you are engaged in their life.
• Resume details. If you are writing a thank you note after a job interview, this can be a good place to highlight resume details once again. If you spoke with your interviewer about a specific job scenario, you can mention it once again and remind them how it fits in with your work history.
The gut check
Any thank you note is a good thank you note. Send notes as soon as possible, be specific about why you are writing, include interesting details and conversational sentences, and handwrite your notes, if possible.
Checklist
✔ Send notes as soon as possible
✔ Write clearly
✔ State why you are writing the note
✔ Include complimentary details
✔ Include moments of conversation
✔ Repeat your thanks
✔ Use opening (“Dear…”) and closing (“Sincerely”) remarks