What to Say: Cancer Diagnosis
Every cancer experience is different, but there are common things to avoid when comforting a loved one about their diagnosis.
Every cancer experience is different. Here is how to help.
Kashinda Carter
6303dec76fc695003d60a3e4Every cancer experience is different. Here is how to help.
What we’ll cover
Cancer can be difficult to understand, especially if you haven’t been through it yourself. If your loved one is facing a cancer diagnosis, one of the best things you can do is make mindful choices about how you interact with them. The words you choose “can lighten the burden of a cancer diagnosis and provide comfort, but they can just as easily confuse and create anxiety for a person with cancer,” writes Jyoti Patel, M.D., FASCO on Cancer.net.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover what a loved one’s cancer diagnosis may entail, how cancer can cause physical and psychological challenges, and how you can help.
What it is
The term “cancer” refers to a disease in which malignant cells divide and grow uncontrollably, spreading to other areas of the body. However, cancer is not just one disease. According to the National Cancer Institute, there are more than 100 types of cancer. Cancer types can be defined by the organs or tissues where a tumor forms, or the type of cell that created it (like squamous).
Treatment and side effects
Cancer treatment options vary greatly depending on the type of cancer and the individual diagnosed. So many factors come into play that even among the same cancer type, no two diagnoses and experiences are exactly the same. Cancer treatment may include one or a combination of interventions like chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, hormone therapy and immunotherapy.
Side effects can also vary, but some of the most common for chemotherapy in particular include hair loss, nausea and fatigue. Various cancer treatments can cause immunosuppression, mobility issues, pain, skin and nail damage, bone loss and hormonal changes. Cancer and its treatment can also affect an individual’s fertility, financial stability, family dynamics, mental health and ability to work.
What not to say
Some language, even if intended as encouragement, may actually invalidate your loved one’s experience or make them feel worse. Reflect on your words before speaking to avoid causing any unintentional harm.
“Let me know if you need anything!”
Why this doesn’t work: This statement puts a burden on your loved one to assign and coordinate a task for you. While this offer is well-intentioned, it will not have the desired effect because it creates more work for them. They already have a lot on their plate navigating the scary and confusing world of cancer. Take more initiative and be specific about what you can help them with during this time.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Why this doesn’t work: You can’t fully understand how they feel because you’re not in their shoes. Don’t make assumptions about their experience with cancer, even if you know others who have gone through it or you have gone through it yourself. Let them tell you what this is like for them, not the other way around.
“Have you tried this detox product?”
Why this doesn’t work: Your loved one is not turning to you for medical advice—that’s what their doctors provide. Unsolicited, non-expert advice, especially in the context of cancer, is unhelpful at best and seriously harmful at worst. Let your loved one’s medical team recommend the best course of treatment for them. Focus instead on what you can help with, like emotional or logistical support.
“Maybe this was caused by your junk food habit.”
Why this doesn’t work: This statement blames your loved one for their cancer diagnosis. In reality, many factors out of their control, like genetics or environmental factors, may have contributed to their cancer. The last thing they need is to feel like their illness is their fault. Don’t speculate about what caused their cancer.
“You’ll be okay!”
Why this doesn’t work: Sadly, this statement is not always true. Cancer is not 100% curable, and in some cases, treatment options are slim to none. Even with a great medical team and promising treatments, this will be a real challenge for them both physically and mentally. Your loved one knows that this will not be easy, and a statement like this downplays the gravity of their situation. Don’t try to sugarcoat their experience.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
You can’t change the fact that your loved one is going through a health crisis. However, you can use intentional, loving words to validate their emotions and alleviate some of the burdens of their cancer diagnosis and treatment. Here are some examples.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“How are you, really?”
Why this doesn’t work: Individuals diagnosed with cancer may experience a range of complicated feelings, including anger, guilt, confusion, depression and loneliness. They may also have moments of hope and joy. This statement shows that you are holding space for your loved one to express how they truly feel, without any expectations or judgment.
"I’m here to listen to whatever you want to share, or to just sit with you."
Why this doesn’t work: Your loved one may not want to share every detail, or they may need breaks from thinking and talking about cancer all the time. This statement lets them set boundaries or a tone for your interaction. Sometimes your physical presence might be all they need, so this statement lets them know that not talking is okay, too.
"I want to help with household chores, grocery shopping or driving to appointments."
Why this doesn’t work: Your loved one may find it difficult to ask for help, especially if they’re feeling anxious and overwhelmed by their cancer diagnosis. Additionally, time spent in treatment and the resulting side effects can make it more difficult to keep up with their usual routine and household responsibilities. Make it easier for them by offering a specific task that you can help with. This relieves much of the burden from your loved one so they can simply receive your support instead of having to give you an assignment.
How to recover
Because cancer is a complex and emotional experience, you might say something that turns out to not be as helpful as you intended. If you unintentionally cause harm to your loved one, acknowledge your mistake. Admit that you misjudged the message conveyed by your words. Tell them that you want to change your approach to interact with them more mindfully. For more information, see ”What to Say: Apologies” and “How to Be a Better Listener”
Other suggestions
Simply put, cancer can feel like a full-time job with no time off. Even if your loved one’s treatment side effects are minimal, it’s likely they’ll feel exhausted from navigating emotions, processing information and making decisions. Treat them to a self-care activity to help them relax and take a break from “cancer world,” like a spa treatment, gentle exercise or a visit to a museum.