The Intimacy of Friendship

My mom is recently retired. Last year, after much cajoling, she “retired” for one week, but now she’s really, actually retired. And it’s a big transition, going from living one of the busiest and most structured lives in existence to one that has more free time. I have responded to my mom’s retirement by sending her videos of Jane Fonda to remind her to call her friends. Jane Fonda is the template for more of my existence than you might expect. Unlike Jane Fonda, I’m not the daughter of a famous movie star. I’m not a famous actress in my own right. I’ve never been arrested or sold a series of workout tapes. I’m not the star of Grace & Frankie. But Jane Fonda and I are aligned on more than one issue. The main issue we’re aligned on is, of course, friendship. Jane Fonda is the queen of friendship. When asked to describe her relationship with her BFF Lily Tomlin on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, she said, “Just short of intimate.” The crowd laughed, but I nodded along. I often describe my relationships with my friend as “romantic.” I spent a romantic weekend in the Iowa wine country (it exists!) with one friend. I had the most romantic summer of my life becoming friends with another. There’s nothing, in my mind, as romantic as friendship.

I often describe my relationships with my friend as “romantic.”

There’s nothing as intimate as friendship either. Friendship is finding someone you like and pursuing them. (Jane Fonda to CBS Sunday Morning: “You have to pursue people that you want to be friends with. And you have to say, ‘I’m intentionally wanting to be your friend.’”) Friendship is about being vulnerable. Friendship, more than even romance, is about standing in front of someone saying, “I want to know you.” You hope they return the sentiment. Romance only seems more vulnerable than friendship because there is the possibility that you might one day look at one another naked. But friendship is where you truly might show yourself “naked” to someone. Friends, more than romantic partners, have seen me cry with snot dripping out of my nose. Tell me something more intimate than that. Friendship is a voluntary relationship and you need to pick it up each day. Jane Fonda understands that. And I understand that, too. I am always willing to make plans, to set dates, to put something on the books. I will pursue you until you look me in the eye and say, “I don’t want to hang out with you any longer.” Because you’re important to me. Because your friendship is important to me. (For the record, Jane Fonda knocked down Sally Field’s door in the 80s and they’re still friends today.) My mom, busy as she was, got in the bad habit of waiting for her friends to reach out to her. But now she needs to remember to pick up the phone herself. (She already did, for the record.) I’m writing all this to remind you, reader, of the same thing. Jane Fonda’s “favorite ex-husband, Ted Turner” told her that you don’t make new friends after 60. Fonda knows that’s not true. I agree. I’m pretty sure I’ll be making new friends until I can’t. Friendship’s worth it, after all.