What to Say: Accidents
Explore the complicated trauma of life-changing accidents.
Explore the complicated trauma of life-changing accidents.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLExplore the complicated trauma of life-changing accidents.
What we'll cover
Accidents are common, but can still cause major challenges for those affected by them. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss the causes of accidents, their psychological impact and how to prevent them. We’ll also cover what to say and not say to your loved one who just experienced an accident. Finally, we’ll help you recover from any snafus and offer additional suggestions to care for those you love.
What it is
Accidents come in all shapes and sizes, and they happen all the time. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA), there were more than 5 million car crashes reported to police in the United States in 2020. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports 3 million older Americans visited the hospital due to falls in 2019. Unintentional injuries were also the fourth leading cause of death in the United States in 2020, no matter the age.
Given these grim statistics, it is no wonder the trauma of an accident correlates to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a psychological condition which can cause people to experience flashbacks to the traumatic event, an increased startle response and other issues, such as depression. Most cases of PTSD begin in a three-month window after the event. Experiencing or witnessing life-threatening or serious accidents is one of the known causes of PTSD.
After accidents
The CDC recommends adults coping in the wake of an accident seek mental health services and reach out to their network of loved ones. Recovering from an accident is difficult, and having a strong support network can help those who experienced one.
When your loved one has experienced an accident, it is important to be there for them, both emotionally and practically. This is especially important if your loved one needs physical recovery time. Offer to run errands for them or make them a hot meal. Future-proof to prevent a similar accident, if necessary. Emotionally, be prepared to listen to their fears, worries and concerns. Remind them that accidents happen to everyone.
What not to say
The trauma of an accident is nothing to mock. Avoid dismissing your loved one’s feelings and steer clear of the following conversation openers.
“I was in a terrible car accident once, but you don’t see me afraid to drive.”
Why it doesn't work: The trauma of an accident differs from person-to-person. Researchers do not know why some people develop PTSD in the wake of an accident and others do not. Every accident is different. Don’t shame your loved one. Rather, let them know their feelings are normal, and encourage them to seek mental health assistance, if they need it. Be supportive as they sort through these complicated feelings.
“It’s not like you died.”
Why it doesn't work: Grieving may be part of the feelings that one experiences after an accident. For those who experienced a concussion or another event which could cause Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), this is especially true. Accidents and fatalities are closely intertwined. If someone died in the accident, this will cause grief. Even if no one died, trauma can cause grief.
“This is why I installed the grab bar in my shower.”
Why it doesn't work: If your loved one who had the accident could seek interventions to prevent the same accident happening in the future, it would be kind to help them implement these plans. But couching your message in an “I told you so” fashion can be hurtful. This language could be perceived as condescending. Likely, your loved one who experienced an accident has thought through everything they could have done a thousand times. You don’t need to be another voice of negativity in their head.
"I just don’t understand why you don’t know exactly how it happened."
Why it doesn't work: It may be tempting to press your loved one for details on what happened. You may be confused. They may be as well. They may not remember it clearly, particularly those who have PTSD or a TBI, both of which are known for causing memory loss and cognition issues. Let your loved one talk about the accident in their own time.
"Oh that’s too bad. I also had the weirdest thing happen today."
Why it doesn't work: If you've not experienced a serious accident yourself, it may be tempting to brush it off as another one of life’s little events. Serious accidents are serious events. They can cause significant trauma in the life of the person who experienced them or, in some cases, witnessed them. Make sure to listen and treat the accident with the gravity it deserves.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing. Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you."
What to say
Now that we know what not to say, we’ll explore some things you can say to a loved one experiencing this kind of trauma.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m so sorry that happened. How are you feeling?"
Why it works: Open-ended questions allow your loved one to answer freely. When you use an open-ended conversation starter like this, you acknowledge the negative impact of any accident and gain more information on what kind of accident your loved one experienced. Based on how they present the situation, you’ll have a better idea of how to respond. Listen, pick up on their cues and follow their lead.
"I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you right now?"
Why it works: If you know the nature and breadth of your friend’s accident, asking them what you can do (rather than what you can say) might be the right approach. For example, if your friend calls you saying they’ve been in a fender bender, they may only feel rattled, but need someone to pick up their daughter from school. Offering to pitch in during a crisis is often the most helpful thing to do.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing, it would be best to apologize. It can be easy, due to your own fear or discomfort, to dismiss the distress of those around you. Contemplate why you responded to your friend’s accident in the way you did. Sincerely apologize, and try to help them as they recover if they are open to it from you.
Other suggestions
Practical actions will help a friend recovering from an accident, whether large or small. If your friend had a small accident, like they cut their hand while they made dinner, offer to order them a pizza or have them over to eat at yours. For large accident recovery, which may require ongoing care, provide rides and childcare when necessary. Be patient with your loved one and cognizant of their needs, and you’ll provide them with support.