What to Say: Adoption
Adopting a child is a life-changing event, and you can help support your loved one through the process.
Adopting a child is a life-changing event, and you can help support your loved one through the process.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLAdopting a child is a life-changing event, and you can help support your loved one through the process.
What we'll cover
Adoption can be emotionally and mentally complicated for new parents. A parent’s choice to adopt comes with many challenges, from finances to wait times and many other concerns.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the adoption process and how it can affect prospective parents. We’ll also give you tips on how to support someone who is adopting a child.
What it is
Adoption is a complex process where a child, or children, becomes a lifelong legal member of another family instead of being raised by their birth parents.
Parents can choose to adopt through the foster care system, domestic adoption or international adoption. As of 2020, there are more than 407,000 children in the foster care system according to the Administration for Children and Families. Most children adopted through agencies are infants. In 2020, 19,658 private adoptions occurred in the United States. International adoptions have declined through the years, mainly because the process has become more restrictive.
The adoption process varies from state-to-state—and if adopting internationally, from country-to-country. It can be a challenging process for families. Finding a good agency is critical to avoiding scams and unnecessary stress.
Agencies also act as a go-between with birth mothers and intended parents when it comes to communication. They make sure all the necessary paperwork is filed accurately and often provide counseling services for all parties involved. Many parents work with a lawyer who understands adoption law and can help navigate the process so both birth families and potential adoptive families are protected.
Adoption complexities
Adoption can also be expensive. The average adoption through an agency in the United States can cost anywhere from $20,000 and $45,000, according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway. Adoption through the foster care system is usually funded through the state and may cost nothing for adoptive parents.
There are several factors a parent may consider when adopting a child, including:
— Childhood trauma issues
— Adopting a child with disabilities
— The relationship with the birth family
— Navigating school
— Obtaining special services like an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan)
— Nutritional and/or behavioral challenges
— Grief and loss during and after the adoption process
— Learning new parenting strategies to support the needs of adopted children
— Transracial parenting
What not to say
Adoption can be both rewarding and overwhelming, whether it’s your loved one’s first time adopting or if they’ve adopted a child in the past. Here are some statements you may want to avoid saying to your loved one while they’re in the thick of the adoption process.
“So you have two biological children and one adopted child?”
Why it doesn’t work: Your loved one may not refer to their children as biological and adopted. Most parents who adopt a child or children simply call them “their children.” Making that separation, especially in front of your loved one’s children, can lead to a lot of hurt and confusion. Instead, when talking with your loved one, simply refer to their kids as “their children.”
“I could never parent someone else’s child.”
Why it doesn't work: Adoption is never an easy process, both for the biological and the adoptive parents. This may be hurtful to the listener. Your loved one may feel as if you’re dismissing their feelings and intentions. It may also feel like you are implying their child isn’t really theirs. You might understandably have strong feelings when it comes to birth parents placing the child for adoption. But it’s better to instead focus on your loved one and the fact that they’re providing a stable environment for their child.
“Don’t you want your own kids?”
Why it doesn't work: If your loved one decides to adopt a child, it may or may not mean they didn’t want to conceive on their own. This can be a hurtful comment for your loved one to hear. It may imply that adoptive kids aren’t really the actual kids of adoptive parents. Whether children come into a family through conception and birth or through the adoption process, it doesn’t change the fact that they are still a part of that family.
“So why did the biological parents give them up?”
Why it doesn't work: You may be curious about the history of your loved one's new child and what led to their adoption. But your loved one doesn't need to be put on the spot like that because it can be very uncomfortable for them to share something that is potentially a delicate or traumatic situation. While it's normal to feel curious, the reason for an adoption placement is nobody's business but the immediate family's. Try to refrain from asking personal questions about the child’s background unless your loved one brings it up. Even then, know that they may not be able or willing to share everything. Some adoptive parents may not be aware of the circumstances behind their child’s past.
“I know someone who adopted kids, and they got pregnant right after!”
Why it doesn't work: Those stories are coincidences. This statement derives from the idea that because a couple is less stressed about trying to get pregnant, they will “relax” enough to conceive on their own. There's no research confirming this occurs. It also implies adoption is a “fix” for infertility, which is not only inaccurate, but can feel insensitive and may be upsetting for someone to hear. Besides, fertility issues may not be something your loved one feels comfortable discussing.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Adoption can unfortunately be full of inaccurate messages from those on the outside and invasive questions directed toward intended parents. You probably don’t intend for your questions and statements to be hurtful, but if this is your first experience supporting someone through the adoption process, you may find yourself saying something that’s not helpful. Here are some statements that can help your loved one without pushing them away.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I am so happy for you and your new family."
Why it works: Adopting a child can feel overwhelming, no matter how many times your loved one might have gone through it. Despite all the challenges, many intended parents welcome the joy and excitement that comes from bringing a child home. It doesn’t mean there won’t be difficulties and heartache along the way, but new children, especially from a family that genuinely loves them and will go through the many hoops to get them, should be something to celebrate.
“How can I best support you right now?"
Why it works: While of course offering specific ways of support can be best if you know your loved one well can be most helpful, you might be surprised that what you think would be most supportive isn't what they really need right now. You may think they need a listening ear or a warm meal, but maybe your loved one needs help setting up their new child's bedroom or a cup of coffee and an hour to themselves. By being direct instead of waiting for your loved one to come to you, you can make sure they're getting the support they need.
How to recover
Adoption can be a sensitive and emotional process, so if you find that you just said something to your loved one that may have been hurtful, offer an apology. Acknowledge that you said something wrong. If this is their first time going through the process, they may understand it's new territory for you both.
Other suggestions
If you know someone who is going through the adoption process, they can understandably feel overwhelmed. Ask them what baby or child items they may need if they are adopting an infant or young child. Better yet, if your loved one is okay with it, offer to host a baby shower. Sometimes, adoptions can happen quickly, with long wait times, only to suddenly receive a phone call that they were chosen, and their baby is due at any time. This can leave parents scrambling in the days or weeks prior to securing the things they need to raise their child.
If your loved one has other children, offer to take them out to a movie or to the playground for a few hours so your loved one can get settled with the new baby upon their arrival. Starting a meal train or dropping off meals during the week can help relieve the burden of cooking when everyone is adjusting to their new home.