What to Say: Anniversary of a Loss
Learn the many ways to commemorate a death as you comfort those dealing with ongoing grief
Commemorate a death as you comfort those dealing with ongoing grief.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLCommemorate a death as you comfort those dealing with ongoing grief.
What we'll cover
Loss of a loved one creates a hole around which one must reconstruct their life. On the anniversary of a loss, it can be difficult to know what to say. Commemorating a loss is important to keep the spirit of the deceased alive in one’s heart, and cultures around the world have created rituals to help the bereaved in the years after a person’s passing.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover traditions around death anniversaries, what not to say to someone who is marking the anniversary of a loss and words that some may find comforting.
What it is
Around the world, cultures have created a variety of traditions to honor those who have passed, including holidays like Día de los Muertos. Large holidays, like Día de los Muertos, allow people to celebrate many losses together.
Those without cultural traditions built around honoring the dead may struggle to find appropriate venues for grief, especially in the years after the loss. In an increasingly secularized Western society, people are contemplating new ways to deal with death. Death doulas, online memorials and groups like Order of the Good Death all attempt to grapple with creating meaningful end-of-life and commemoration rituals in the absence of religion.
Without rituals in place, the anniversary of a loss may feel like an isolating time, with those close to the deceased the only one to mark the event. Many experience an "anniversary reaction," which may be related to post-traumatic stress disorder. The anniversary effect is a series of feelings that occur around the date of a past trauma. One may feel anxious, sad or otherwise unsettled.
Embracing rituals
There are good reasons to develop commemorative rituals in the years after a death. Commemorating a loss with a ritual reduces grief, according to a study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. “Engaging in rituals mitigates grief by restoring the feelings of control that are impaired by both life-changing (the death of loved ones) and more mundane (losing lotteries) losses,” writes study authors Michael I. Norton and Francesca Gino.
In their paper on Mexican American death rituals, Neal Krause and Elena Bastida interviewed older Mexican Americans and found those who felt they had frequent contact with the dead (for example, feeling the dead’s presence in a room) were able to see the connectedness between all people, making them feel more grateful to God and less anxious about death.
This is the dual role of commemoration. These practices lessen anxiety and provide a sense of connectedness. Your loved one may feel (or be) isolated during the anniversary of a death. It is important to reach out. A simple (but expected) phone call can provide both ritual and connectedness. If appropriate, you can even offer to help create a larger ritual like visiting a favorite place of the deceased or listening to their favorite songs. These sorts of moments—connecting death to the present moment—may help your loved one see the connectedness between us all.
What not to say
It is difficult to talk about death. One study with more than 470 participants found people had 3,053 euphemisms for death and dying. We’d advise you to not use them, speaking clearly to avoid misunderstanding.
"Want to go to dinner? Maybe take your mind off things."
Why it doesn't work: Although distraction is a good short-term solution for sadness, this isn't an appropriate response to the anniversary of a death. Coupled with the euphemistic "things” (which avoids outright mentioning the death), this kind of message may downplay your friend's loss. By opening with a euphemism, your friend may read that you don’t wish to discuss the subject and feel awkward talking about how they genuinely feel.
"I hope you're managing."
Why it doesn't work: It is good to reach out on the anniversary of a death, but this kind of message, while well-intentioned, doesn't fit the bill. The use of "I hope" implies a certain distance from the situation. It says you don’t want to have an active role in processing your friend’s grief. And by not mentioning the loss itself, you may create awkwardness around their grief that is alienating.
"How are you doing?"
Why it doesn't work: This half works. Questions are always a good place to begin when speaking with someone. They ensure that you aren't making assumptions. But if you know it is the anniversary of a loss, say that. Your friend will feel less alone knowing that someone else remembered this life event that matters to them. It may feel strange to talk straightforwardly about death, but push through that and do it anyway.
"Are you going to visit the grave today?"
Why it doesn't work: By opening with a question like this, you are filling in the blank for your friend of what (if anything) they might do on this anniversary. You are implying that there’s a prescribed list of actions to take on the anniversary of a death. Let your friend tell you how they are commemorating the day, rather than telling them what to do.
"Well, just remember: they’re in a better place."
Why it doesn't work: Death and the presence (or lack of) an afterlife is a complicated subject. Your friend may not believe in the existence of an afterlife. Their deceased loved one may have also not believed in an afterlife. Do not ascribe your beliefs about the end of life to your friend.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we've covered what not to say, we'll help you figure out how to approach the subject of a loss, particularly in the years afterwards.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I've been thinking about you. I know it is the anniversary of your dad's death. Are you doing anything to commemorate him? "
Why it works: If you don't know the person your friend lost directly, this type of message is a great place to start. Grief is an alienating and long-term event. By clearly stating that you too remember the anniversary of their loss, it makes the person experiencing grief feel less alone. Asking about any potential plans for commemoration initiates a conversation about their loved one. You also let your friend know that they are in your thoughts.
"I know it is the anniversary of [loved one’s] death. I wanted to reach out and see if there's anything you need. One memory I have of them is … "
Why it works: In this example, the friend texting had their own relationship with the person who passed. This message works because it states the anniversary and asks if the friend needs anything. But, most importantly, it shares a memory about the person lost. By sharing memories of our loved ones, we remember the connectedness we shared, and still share.
Other suggestions
In addition to reaching out, if you are particularly close with your friend experiencing grief, it might be a good idea to help them create a ritual to commemorate their loss. If the person lost was associated with a particular charity, for example, the anniversary of their death may be a good time to donate or volunteer. If the person lost was buried, the anniversary of their death may be a good time to visit their gravesite.