What to Say: Apologies
How to sincerely address hurt and move forward with loved ones
How to sincerely address hurt and move forward with loved ones
How to sincerely address hurt and move forward with loved ones
What we'll cover
Ignore what the 1970 film Love Story may have told you. Love means having to say you’re sorry. Apologies are a powerful conflict resolution tool. Apologies bring two people, who may have fallen off the same page, back in sync and set expectations for the future.
This “What to Say” guide will cover the emotional impact of apologies and the best structure for an apology. It will also cover what not to say. Additionally, we'll provide next steps for apologizing and ways to recover from a bad apology.
What it is
Apologies are a mode of interpersonal communication. There are many reasons to apologize: to ease hurt feelings, to smooth over an awkward social interaction, to signal your desire to move on. Learning to navigate conflict is an important step in social development.
One of the ways we learn to navigate conflict is through apologies. A study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology divides given apologies into two categories. There are sincere apologies, which acknowledge harm and seek to honestly redress hurt. And there are instrumental apologies, issued to regain social standing or avoid punishment.
Apologies regulate the emotions of both apology giver and apology recipient. For close relationships, a study published in the journal Scientific Reports suggests that apologies encourage forgiveness. However, this changes based on the relationship of the parties.
The nature of the apology affects how it is received. A study in the journal Merrill-Palmer Quarterly indicated that children as young as seven can differentiate between coerced and sincere apologies. The children studied felt more positively about those who issued sincere apologies. They also felt that the recipient of a sincere apology would feel better than one who received a prompted apology. Anecdotally, this remains true into adulthood.
The anatomy of an apology
Consider how you are issuing an apology. For example, a texted apology would be inappropriate after a large argument or if you need to apologize to your boss. The apology method should match the issue’s severity and the person’s relationship to you. According to Marsha L. Wagner, former ombuds officer of Columbia University, an effective apology contains distinct parts.
1. Statement
Clearly state what you did wrong (e.g., “I am sorry for yelling at you.”). This establishes a shared understanding of the issue.
2. Responsibility
After acknowledging (and agreeing) on the issue at hand, it is important to take clear responsibility for what you did. Use “I statements”. (e.g., “I deliberately misunderstood you and started a fight.”)
3. Acknowledgement
Acknowledge the hurt you caused. This is a space to establish empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. (e.g. “I don’t like when people yell at me. It is disrespectful and can be frightening. It is immature behavior.”)
4. Judgment
It is important when apologizing to clearly state you were in the wrong. Do not hedge or leave wiggle room. (e.g. “I was wrong to yell at you. It was rude, insensitive and uncalled for.”)
5. Regret
Once the incorrect behavior and its effects are acknowledged, it is time to state (or restate) regret for your actions. (e.g. “I am really sorry for shouting.”)
6. Intentions
State how you intend to act in the future. (e.g. “In the future, when I’m feeling frustrated, I’ll go for a walk around the block or ask for a moment alone.”)
7. Explanation
This is, in many cases, entirely unnecessary. However, if you know what caused your behavior and want to indicate it, it is only appropriate to do so after you have expressed your regret. This is the last, optional step. (e.g. “I’ve been stressed about work, and took it out on you. That doesn’t justify my behavior. But I want you to know that I plan to talk to my boss about scaling back my workload. I won’t take out my overwhelmed feelings on you in the future.”)
What not to say
Wanting to defend yourself when apologizing is common. Apologizing is hard, and the humility required to put aside your own feelings can be overwhelming. We’ll help you avoid the most common traps that one can fall into when trying to make an effort to repair a hurt.
“I’m sorry, but…”
Why this doesn’t work: It makes sense to want to explain yourself, but don’t be defensive. Focus on the person you’ve wronged and their feelings. Prioritize the person you’ve upset, not yourself.
“Oh, c’mon. It’s just a joke.”
Why this doesn’t work: Do not disregard or minimize the feelings of the person you’ve upset. Your intentions are inconsequential to the harm caused.
“You didn’t used to get upset over stuff like this.”
Why this doesn’t work: People grow and change and their boundaries change with them. Focus on today. These kinds of statements indicate that you’re making an instrumental, rather than sincere, apology.
“But what about that time you XYZ?”
Why this doesn’t work: Past actions are not relevant now. Rather than distracting from what you did, power through your discomfort. Make the other person feel heard.
“I guess I’m just the worst friend in the world.”
Why this doesn’t work: This refocuses the attention to you, rather than to the person to whom you are apologizing. It puts the other person in a position to comfort you. Don’t pull focus.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
The example below is based on the structure outlined in our “Anatomy of an Apology” section.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I am really sorry for yelling at you. I deliberately started a fight. Yelling at my partner is disrespectful, rude, and not how I would want to be treated. I was wrong to do that. I’m really sorry. I know I’ve been really stressed out because of work recently, but that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t take my frustration out on you. In the future, I’m going to work on my responses to stress. I’m also going to put in a PTO request to give myself a break. I’m really sorry, and it won’t happen again.”
Why this works: This example is the proper order for an apology. Here, one romantic partner has yelled at another. The apologizer acknowledges their inappropriate behavior, explains why that behavior was inappropriate, and apologizes. Additionally, they outline the steps they’ll take in the future. Lastly, they explain the reason they engaged in bad behavior, but only after taking responsibility. They end the apology with another acknowledgement (“I’m really sorry”) and a promise for the future (“it won’t happen again”).
How to recover
If you’ve issued a bad apology (for example, you’ve prioritized explaining yourself or justifying what you did), it can be hard to recover. Rather than issue more apologies, focus on your own behavior. Think about why the apology went wrong. Take stock of your own defensiveness. Contemplate what led to the situation. Make a plan to change your own behavior, to avoid causing this kind of hurt in the future. Show the people around you that you’ve internalized their hurt by changing how you act and react.
This may not prompt forgiveness, but forgiveness isn’t guaranteed or required, no matter how an apology is delivered.
Other suggestions
Even if you’ve mastered the art of apologizing, changed behavior is the clearest path to forgiveness. If you’re always late, plan on arriving early. If you overcommit, take a beat before you say “yes” to something, rather than letting people down.
Don’t put the other person in a position where they need to educate you on the harm you’ve caused. If you’ve hurt someone by making an off-color remark, educate yourself on why that remark is insensitive. Be proactive.