What to Say: Beginning College
Emotionally support a loved one as their child begins college.
Emotionally support a loved one as their child begins college.
Emotionally support a loved one as their child begins college.
What we'll cover
Navigating the various facets of college for the first time can be challenging for a student as well as their parent or guardian. Support your loved one as their child furthers their education.
In this “What to Say” guide, we'll explore the realities of sending a young adult to college, how it can impact their parent or guardian and what you can do to help them find solace during an unprecedented time in their life.
What it is
A parent helping their child move through unfamiliar territory, like college, is a normal part of life. The parent and child are experiencing new firsts together like the child’s first-time living away from home or the complexities of paying and borrowing loans for university. According to College Ave Student Loans, while parents send their children to college to further their education, many need help coping with the social, time management, financial and emotional parts of the pre-college process.
Typically, a school guidance counselor or Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA®) representative guides parents through the time management and financial aspects.
Changing emotions
A parent or guardian may be overcome with joy when their child is accepted to college. However, as they prepare for the child’s first semester, they may become more overwhelmed by pre-college planning or sad thinking about their child’s new life away from home. As part of their support system, you should understand how their emotions may vary over time, validating every feeling that arises.
Remember that the child and parent are simultaneously embarking on new chapters in their life. In the parent’s case, they are coming to terms with being an empty nester. While they’re grieving their past life, offer to support them how you can, like as a shoulder for them to cry on or as a supportive, listening ear.
Changing relationships
Absence can make the heart grow fonder. Bestcolleges.com, an education and career resource website, reports 60% of 14,500 U.S.-based college students said they had a more positive relationship with their parents since starting college. Space allows for the child and parent to carve out new lives for themselves, each having more time to form a new hobby, volunteer with local organizations, reconnect or draw closer to their immediate friends and family circle.
However, if a guardian constantly reaches out to their child, it can negatively harm the way both parties view their newly evolved relationship. Discourage the parent from contacting the college freshman more than once a week. College students may seek guidance from their parent through phone calls, texts, or emails on how to manage their time, finances, complex on-campus relationships and other new, adult-related struggles. The key to maintaining a strong connection is to let students reach out to the parent more often, rather than the other way around.
What not to say
Offer support to your loved one during this period. This is where you, their loving confidant, comes in. Avoid these phrases and questions that might make you appear unsupportive.
“It’s not a big deal. Everyone sends their child to college, eventually.”
Why it doesn’t work: To them, sending their child away to university is a big deal, life changing in some cases. You should be affirming their feelings, not undermining them. The last thing you should ever do is downplay the situation. Reassure them that the complicated feelings surrounding this are valid and that they won’t have to explore these feelings alone. Additionally, according to data from the latest census, the majority of Americans haven’t graduated from college with a four-year degree, so statements like these are factually incorrect.
“You can spend time with your other children.”
Why it doesn't work: This comment ignores the significance of this particular child leaving the nest. It’s best to avoid saying this since you cannot know how the parent will interpret it. Encourage them to seek companionship in nearby family, friends or even household pets.
“You should surprise them with an unexpected trip to campus.”
Why it doesn't work: Taking a surprise trip to campus might not only hinder their child’s college experience, but it can also hurt their relationship overall. According to one study published in the Journal of College Student Development, “impaired psychological separation from parents has been related to psychological symptoms of distress and difficulty with personal adjustment in a college population.”
“Don’t listen to what they say. They need your help as much as possible.”
Why it doesn't work: While this idea comes from a good place, it may encourage a parent to micromanage their child from a distance. While at school, students are developing life skills like cooking and cleaning, time management, forming new friendships, and pursuing career prospects. It is usually best for them to manage these skills on their own.
“Leave them out of this! Your other kids don’t need to be involved...”
Why it doesn't work: On the contrary, parents should include their siblings in aspects of the college process while they’re away. According to one study from the journal Marriage & Family Review, some of the most positive sibling relationships were reported by older siblings, participants with older siblings, and participants with siblings who were apart from them by more than two years in age. Keeping the lines of communication open between siblings can only improve their relationship for the better.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
When a friend or family member’s child begins college, it can be challenging to conjure the right words to say. The phrases below can help you ease into this complex topic.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“If you want to talk, I’m here.”
Why it works: Offering to keep the lines of communication open is always a plus when a loved one is coping with a child entering college. By saying this one sentence, they’ll know they can turn to you to speak about this very touchy subject.
“Maybe you can take advantage of this time to explore new hobbies and tackle different goals.”
Why it works: Before the college student left for university, the parent may have allotted a lot of time to raising them. Now that the child is away at school, the parent may have more free time on their hands. More time equals more opportunities for the parent to finish that novel they’re half-way through, host gatherings with friends, and begin other activities they previously wouldn’t have been able to enjoy. Partaking in these activities allows them to explore life outside of parenthood.
How to recover
Trying to recover after saying the wrong can feel daunting. Extend an olive branch by offering them a heartfelt apology. When apologizing, take the time to express how deeply sorry you are for your wrong choice of words.
Another way to recover is to reiterate that you’ll be there during their next chapter in life. You understand that it may be a group effort to get them through this. Remind them that whether you're a group of two or plan to recruit their closest and dearest, you're ready to be their rock during this major milestone.
Other Suggestions
A way to help your loved one during this time is to remind them that this can also be an exciting time. Life as an empty nester can be an opportunity to explore who they are outside of being a parent. When their child leaves, the parent can begin a self-discovery journey, potentially leading them to reconnect with their romantic partner, for example. They can work on forming their own identity outside of their child, leading them to unlocking a new version of themselves.
They may also discover new ways to communicate with their child. Prioritize phone conversations and reiterate their benefits. Research shows consistent phone conversations with a child in college helped parents maintain a secure and intimate relationship.
Giving the child their space is a way to let the student begin the process of “self-authorship,” or a time where the child develops and defines their own separate identity. This state of life often begins when a child enters college and ends when they turn 40 years old. It’s another reason why it’s important to give them space during this crucial time in their lives. Higher education produces more mature adults.