What To Say: Beginning School
New beginnings can be daunting, and beginning school for children and their parents or guardians is no exception. Here’s how you can support them.
New beginnings can be daunting, and beginning school is no exception.
New beginnings can be daunting, and beginning school is no exception.
What we'll cover
Each new stage of development in a child’s life can bring new challenges to overcome, and beginning school is no different. Like all stages, this can have an effect on both parents and the child itself.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the sort of challenges children may face as they enter school, how this new stage of development can have a major impact on the life of a parent, as well as ways to offer your support.
What it is
Beginning school for the first time is a new experience for both the child and the child’s parents. Children may struggle with making new friends, adjusting to new school routines and even settling into a sleep routine. New beginnings signify change, the need for adaptability, courage to embrace new ideas and ways of thinking and set routines to optimize on learning. For many kids, this can be scary.
By discussing and setting fair goals and expectations, parents can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety that may come along with starting school. In most instances, kids learn to respond to life based on the behaviors and mannerisms modeled for them by the adults, teachers and peers in their lives. It’s important for adults to be aware of the expectations that they may or may not project on to children.
Anxiety and new beginnings
Anxiety about new beginnings is normal. Dr. Shefali Tsabary, clinical psychologist and co-author of Superpowered: Transform Anxiety Into Courage, Confidence, and Resilience, believes it’s important not to aim to control anxiety. “We live in this culture of denial and avoidance of difficult, challenging feelings. And because we are illiterate to our emotions, we don't understand how to feel and how to be,” Tsabary told NPR.
Tsabary asserts that allowing children to feel uncomfortable emotions while encouraging them to assess risks while being mindful is a major part of having a growth mindset. Encouraging kids to be aware of their “internal GPS system” at a young age can possibly help them to better navigate beginning school.
However, parents with children attending school for the first time also may have a hard time adjusting to the new changes, as well as their school-age child’s need for routine. Some difficult changes that parents may be experiencing include: adjusting to their kids' new school schedule, juggling work with their home life and parenting responsibilities, burnout as a result of balancing school pick-up and drop-off, as well as the effort it takes to maintain extracurricular activities. All of these things can contribute to possible stress about the start of a new school year.
What not to say
We all mean well, and want the best for our family members, friends and peers. However, it’s important to always try our best to be thoughtful, empathetic and sincere. Remain mindful of not being intrusive or overbearing, while being deliberate about actively listening. Even when you have the best intentions, it is still probable that one may unintentionally say the wrong thing at an inopportune time. Below are several examples of what not to say.
"It’s just school. It’s not a big deal."
Why it doesn't work: This statement is based in opinion and may undermine the emotions of the parent or child that may genuinely be having a difficult time adjusting to the new school year. For kids and families, starting school represents a major change in their lives. It’s a time of new rules, new friendships, new daily routines and new classroom environments. For many parents and guardians, beginning school means a new work-life balance as they adjust to their child’s new schedules as well as their own work or home responsibilities.
"You’re overreacting about your kid’s new school year."
Why it doesn't work: Projecting your personal views in an assumptive manner is not a healthy way to show support to a family member or friend. Actively listening in a thoughtful, compassionate manner will encourage the parent in knowing that they are seen and heard.
"It’s been a while since it happened. You should move on."
Why it doesn't work: Bragging and comparing one child’s experience to the next does not acknowledge the reality that each child adjusts and learns differently. Comparison or bragging when trying to show support for a family member or friend is not rooted in love, but rather ego. Instead, engage in a conversation that will empower the parent, ensuring them that their exchange with you is a safe place for expressing their true emotions and experiences.
"You should hire a babysitter for school drop off and pick up."
Why it doesn't work: Telling a parent what they “should” do is never really a great idea. Telling a parent to hire help or a babysitter is presumptive. It assumes that the parent can afford a babysitter and also negates the possibility that the parent actually wants to do school drop off and after school pick up themselves. Many parents actually enjoy these hands-on duties, while simultaneously struggling with the work-life balance to perform these tasks.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
There is no one “right way” to prepare when it comes to starting school, but it is always helpful to have thoughtful responses when the need arises.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"If there’s anything that I can support you or your family with for the start of the school year, please let me know."
Why it works: Offering your support without being too pushy gives the other person space to decide whether or not they’d like to take you up on your offer of support to them. This approach is not intimidating, shows sincerity and also gives the signal to the parent that they are not alone.
"Starting school can be overwhelming, and what you are feeling is valid."
Why it works: By validating the parent’s feelings about the stress or anxiety that they may be feeling or experiencing about the start of school, it lets them know that their experience is real. This warm and supportive approach provides a point of contact that lends itself towards feeling heard and understood.
"As you prepare your child for school, just know that it’s OK to make your own mental and physical health a priority too."
Why it works: Showing empathy and compassion when a parent may be experiencing stress and feelings of overwhelm can help to lighten their emotional load. By gently affirming that it’s OK for a parent or person to prioritize themselves when parenting or entering into a new stage of parenting, it reminds them that it is not selfish to take care of their health.
How to recover
No one is perfect, and sometimes during communication messages can be misinterpreted. When this happens, give yourself some grace. Be open and sincerely apologize to the parent with whom you are communicating, and let them know that you are there for them or their child, if and when they need someone to talk to. Remind them that new beginnings take courage, and that it is normal to feel whatever emotions that they are feeling about the start of the school year. And remember, we don’t always get it right when communicating with others.
Other suggestions
Providing resources is a good idea, but only offer resources and advice if the parent asks for it. If a parent reaches out to you for advice or support, never brag or expose the fact that they have confided in you. There are several different ways that you can be supportive of your loved one during the back-to-school season, as well as throughout the entire school year. Provide a list of online or in-person motivational and educational back-to-school resources, events or books to your family member or friend. You may also consider lending a helping hand and support with their child’s school-related and extracurricular activities when you are able to do so.