What to Say: Birthdays
How to best celebrate your loved one as they mark another year lived.
How to best celebrate your loved one as they mark another year lived.
How to best celebrate your loved one as they mark another year lived.
What we'll cover
Across multiple cultures, birthdays have been days of celebration. It is a time to mark another year lived, and whether your loved one is turning one or 100, they are often times of celebration.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover a brief history and psychology of birthdays, what not to say to someone as they turn another year older and how to best recognize your loved one’s day.
What it is
Birthdays, the day when we turn one year older, mark a potentially fun day to acknowledge where we’ve been and where we’re going. It makes sense, then, that birthdays have been celebrated since the ancient era. According to a timeline put together by the University of Minnesota, birthdays were celebrated almost exclusively by royalty and gods throughout various ancient cultures. And in medieval Europe, most celebrated the birthday of their namesake saint, and not their own.
In the United States, birthday parties began to appear in the 1830s. Wealthy Protestants threw birthday parties for their children, a practice taken on by other Americans in later years. The proliferation of accurate clocks and better record keeping, which resulted in more people knowing their birthdays, created a desire for celebrations to mark the passage of time. Globally, academics report the same trend—with individual birthday celebrations coinciding with industrialization and, in some cases, Westernization.
Different types of birthdays
Not all birthdays are equal. In Latin American cultures, the 15th birthday (or quince) is a notable celebration. This party, traditionally thrown for girls, is now being celebrated by boys as well. Quinces include lavish events, typically thrown in banquet halls with attendees wearing semi-formal outfits. And in China, one’s 60th and 80th birthdays are the largest celebrations. In the United States, the “sweet 16” and 21st birthdays are often big events.
But not everyone celebrates their birthday. In a YouGov poll, 7% of Americans said they dislike their birthday. Jehovah’s Witnesses also do not celebrate their birthdays. They believe birthday celebrations have pagan roots.
The effects of celebrations
There are many reasons to celebrate birthdays. In a 2018 study of college students, participants reported feeling more loved on their birthdays compared to other days. And adults who celebrate birthdays often use the day to motivate themselves towards life goals.
Not all birthday celebrations are healthy, however. In the United States, birthday celebrants turning 21 were more likely to binge drink, according to several studies. Binge drinking is associated with several negative outcomes, including an increased risk of accidents and violence. This type of heavy drinking on one’s 21st birthday may carry into the rest of the year.
What not to say
When helping a loved one celebrate their birthday, it is important to respect their wishes most of all. If they have indicated in the past that they do not celebrate their birthday, do not force a celebration on them. If they do celebrate, however, there are still things you should avoid saying.
"Big ol’ 21! Gonna drink til you puke tonight?"
Why it doesn't work: Why it doesn’t work: Binge drinking on one’s 21st birthday is normalized, but it can still lead to serious consequences for the celebrant. Heavy drinking on one’s 21st can lead to more problem drinking over the course of that year, or well into the future. You shouldn’t encourage someone to binge drink on this, or any, birthday.
It is also important to remember that not everyone drinks alcohol, for a variety of reasons. The birthday celebrant may be sober, not drink on religious grounds or may avoid alcohol due to a family history of substance misuse. Put aside any assumptions you may have about how certain birthdays should be celebrated.
"Well, you’re over the hill now!"
Why it doesn't work: Ageism is a huge issue across the globe. Our awareness of age stereotypes starts early, with the World Health Organization reporting children as young as 4 understanding age-related stereotypes. It is best to not play into this type of language in a birthday message.
"I thought you’d have done more with your life by now."
Why it doesn't work: This is rude to say at any time, but is especially hurtful when remarking on someone’s birthday. Rather than pinning your timeline to your loved one’s life, celebrate their current wins. Use their birthday to lift them up, not push them down.
"I remember being 25. It was the worst year of my life."
Why it doesn't work: Birthdays are about the celebrant. Avoid shifting focus to yourself. Keep your memories (good or bad) of that age for another day. Put the spotlight on your loved one and their birthday, rather than on yourself.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Unless your loved one does not celebrate their birthday, it is best to remark upon it. Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
What to say
Birthdays are a time to break out the compliments. Use everything at your disposal to let your loved one know how much they mean to you.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Happy birthday! I’m so excited to see what you get up to next year. I’m so happy we’ve gotten to spend this one together."
Why it works: This acknowledges your loved one’s birthday, but—most importantly—it acknowledges their place in your life. When wishing your loved one a happy birthday, be sure to let them know how happy you are to know them.
"Happy birthday! I know you’re not big on celebrations, but I’d love to buy you dinner when we hang out next. You’re so great, and I want to celebrate you."
Why it works: Birthdays can be stressful. If your loved one does not celebrate due to party-related stress, being aware of and acknowledging that—while also recognizing their birthday—is a loving thing to do.
How to recover
If you’ve forgotten the birthday of a loved one, the first thing to do is note it down in the Thoughtful app. You won’t make the same mistake next year. Buying your loved one a thoughtful gift or writing them a note about what they mean to you (even belated) is a nice gesture.
Other suggestions
If you’re celebrating a child’s birthday and find the process overwhelming, you’re not alone. Since the 1940s, birthday parties have been considered “overwhelming” by parents. Remember, celebrations don’t have to be big to be meaningful. Our guide on celebrating milestones may help you come up with a unique idea.
If you’re thinking of throwing a surprise party for a loved one, know you may be on the right track. In a YouGov poll of 1,000 Americans, 63% reported they would like a surprise party thrown in their honor.