What to Say: Body Image
Help others improve their relationship with their physical selves.
Help others improve their relationship with their physical selves.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLHelp others improve their relationship with their physical selves.
What we'll cover
Body image has nothing to do with how your body actually looks. Body image is how one feels in their body. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss the effects of a bad body image and ways to build a positive body image. We’ll also discuss what to say and what not to say to a loved one who is struggling with their body image.
What it is
A person’s body image isn’t just what they see when they look in the mirror. It is a mix of psychological factors, cultural factors and physical factors which combine to create a specific image of self. The National Eating Disorders Collaboration, an initiative funded by the Australian government, divides body image into four parts: perceptual, affective, cognitive and behavioral. Perceptual body image is what one sees (which may or may not be accurate). Affective is how one feels about their body, emotionally. Cognitive body image encompasses the thoughts one has about one’s body and behavioral body image is the resulting behaviors from the other three.
There are many factors which can cause one to have a negative body image. Societal messages about the ideal body can cause one to judge their own negatively. People can receive negative messages from friends and family that cause a lasting impact. Negative body image is linked to lower self-esteem. Negative body image can also cause one to engage in unhealthy behaviors, including restrictive eating and negative self talk.
At its most extreme, negative body image can transform into body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). Those with BDD do not see their bodies accurately and obsess over perceived flaws in their appearance. They may spend a large amount of time looking in the mirror and can engage in harmful behaviors, like skin picking. They may also engage in repetitive behaviors as they try to mitigate their perceived physical flaws.
Eating disorders
According to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), eating disorders are caused by a number of factors. But the most prominent risk factor for bulimia nervosa and anorexia nervosa is body dissatisfaction.
Eating disorders come in many shapes, sizes and genders. Although society usually links eating disorders with teen girls, anyone of any age can develop an eating disorder. NEDA states 10 million men across the U.S. will experience an eating disorder at some point during their lives. And eating disorders can be triggered in adulthood by large life events, such as pregnancy, divorce or retirement.
Encouraging body positivity
It can be hard—awash in an internet and media landscape filled with idealized images—to encourage body positivity in ourselves and others. Negative body image is a widespread problem, with one survey reporting 79% of Americans are dissatisfied with their bodies at least some of the time.
If someone you love is struggling with their body image, try to not talk negatively about your own body in front of them. Speak positively about yourself, and it will encourage those around you to do the same. The way we speak about our own bodies will impact the way those around us perceive theirs.
Encourage yourself and your loved one to avoid comparison. When we look at images online or on social media, we’re typically seeing something filtered, airbrushed and otherwise edited. Avoid comparing your body to those around you. Focus on what is good about your own body, and it might inspire others to do the same.
Weight stigma
And try to avoid adding a moralizing component to how you talk about food or weight. Weight stigma—discrimination based on size—is a very real phenomenon. A 2021 study says 40% of all U.S. adults will experience it at one point in their lives. This stigma can cause people to engage in health-avoidant behaviors for fear of judgment. There is no moral component to the size and shape of your body.
As a 2018 study on the subject shows, weight stigma is often tied into society’s ideas of morality. Larger bodies are often judged on moral terms. In public health coverage, in everyday speech and in popular culture, thinner bodies are considered ideal. There is a cultural belief that thinner bodies are the result of making the “right choices.” This kind of language indicates that there are “wrong choices” others make, which result in larger bodies. These unconscious cultural beliefs harm everyone. These beliefs do not reflect the changing scientific understanding of health and how it relates (or does not relate) to weight. The best way to help those around you develop a positive body image is to be positive—about yourself, about those you love and about others in general. Step up and lead by example.
What not to say
In a world filled with weight stigma, talking about body image is hard. We’ll help you avoid hurting your loved ones with misplaced words.
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t care what size you are.”
Why it doesn’t work: Although well-intentioned, messages like this convey that there is a size one should be. “Even if you’re that size” could easily follow this statement. Try to avoid phrasing that implies there is a proper body size and type.
"You have such a beautiful face/hair/personality/sense of style."
Why it doesn't work: When people speak negatively about their bodies in front of you, it can feel instinctual to reassure them. But compliments like this—which dance around someone’s body—can be hurtful. If someone says “I hate my body,” following up with this kind of compliment may read as, “Well, if you ignore your body, you’re beautiful.” Avoid compliments that can be read as backhanded.
"You think you look bad? Look at this stomach!"
Why it doesn't work: Negative body talk can turn into a conversation loop for friends, but it is a hard one to exit. When a friend is insulting themselves, instead of piling on with your own complaints, stop the conversation in its tracks. You can reframe your loved one’s statement or redirect the conversation entirely.
"I feel so fat."
Why it doesn't work: Bodies are complicated, but our language around them usually isn’t. We often don’t know how to adequately express how we feel about our bodies. “I feel so fat” as a stand-in for “I don’t feel good about my body” equates fatness with badness. It also encourages your loved one to look at their own body negatively. We’re impacted by the words of others. Try to be kinder to yourself and, by extension, those around you.
"Should we be bad and have dessert?"
Why it doesn't work: Statements like this contribute to restrictive eating. There is no moral component to the foods we eat. We’re not bad when we have dessert. These types of phrases encourage us to think of food as something that can be bad or good. Food is something that nourishes us, delights us and satisfies us. Try to talk about food in a more neutral way, especially if your loved one has a negative body image. Instead of this, you could say, “I’d really like to split a dessert. Are you interested?”
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
There are many ways to encourage your loved one to see themselves more positively. If your loved one is constantly talking about their body negatively, these conversation starters may help you.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Hey, I really don’t like hearing you talk about your body like that. I’m trying to be kinder to myself about my own body image, and I would appreciate it if we didn’t talk like that together."
Why it works: This conversation starter may feel like a conversation ender at first glance. But, by setting a firm boundary with your loved one and indicating what you’d prefer, you’re setting a good example. You’re allowing the person to reconsider what they’re saying. It can be easy to disconnect the casual “I feel fat” from body image. You’re making a connection here for your loved one (negative talk leads to negative image) and making a statement about how you want to proceed.
[If your loved one is comparing their body to an idealized image] “Hm. That looks photoshopped to me. And having a physique like that seems unhealthy to me.”
Why it works: This may be a hard conversation to have. But if your loved one is frequently comparing themselves to idealized images, it may be necessary to remind them those images are frequently not real. Many of the celebrity or model bodies we see on magazine covers and on our social media feeds are heavily photoshopped. And many of those bodies are unhealthy.
How to recover
If you’ve spoken negatively about your loved one’s body, your own body or the bodies of others, it makes sense to apologize. Also take time to reflect on what caused you to be so negative. What biases do you hold around weight and body shape? What messages did you receive throughout your life that you may be perpetuating now? Do you engage in restrictive eating yourself?
It may be worthwhile to read some counter messaging about body image. Books like It may be worthwhile to read some counter messaging about body image. Books like Letters from the Fat-O-Sphere by Kate Hardy and Marianne Kirby or Hunger by Roxane Gay may be good places to start. If you’d rather listen to something, the podcast Maintenance Phase is a fun debunking of diet culture.
Other suggestions
If you don’t want to hear negative body talk, stand up for others, even if your loved one with a poor body image isn’t around. Avoid engaging in weight stigma, even for people you do not know. If you need to talk about your own body image, ask your loved one if they are prepared to have that conversation rather than just launching into it. Aubrey Gordon, a writer and fat activist, wrote about this for Self.