What to Say: Breakups
Science-backed tips to help you help your friend recover from heartbreak.
Science-backed tips to help those recovering from heartbreak.
Science-backed tips to help those recovering from heartbreak.
What we’ll cover
As Neil Sedaka said, "Breaking up is hard to do." Knowing what to say to a friend going through a breakup is sometimes even harder.
In this guide, we’ll cover the science behind recovering from a breakup and what to say (or avoid) to help your friend get through the heartache.
What it is
According to a study that analyzed Reddit posts from the subreddit r/breakup, it can take up to six months to recover from a breakup. But how does one recover? A study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General® examined three common post-breakup strategies: negative reappraisal or venting, reappraisal of feelings of love or reframing and distraction. Each had their benefits and drawbacks.
Venting decreased feelings of love that someone felt for their ex. But venting about their ex did not necessarily make them feel more positive.
Reframing, or re-contextualizing memories or thoughts, helped decrease attention toward one’s ex, but it did not reduce how in love or how pleasant or unpleasant one felt.
Distraction, on the other hand, improved participant moods even if it did not reduce feelings of love.
In that sense, the classic, post-breakup combo has been scientifically proven. Listen to your friend roast their former love. Talk through what went wrong. And bring a fun movie to take their mind off things.
What not to say
Breaking up is different for everyone. For some, a breakup can be associated with personal development and a positive outcome. For others, it can feel like a tragedy. Avoid assumptions about how your friend feels and avoid the opportunity to talk poorly about a friend’s former partner.
“He was always the worst.”
Why this doesn't work: Venting works, but being a listener to your friend’s venting is better than doing any of your own. If your friend gets back together with the ex, anything negative said may come back to bite you.
“There are plenty of fish in the sea!”
Why this doesn't work: Clichés are clichés for a reason, but maybe now isn't the time to deploy one. Your friend is going through a hard time and deserves a tailor-made response. Try not to fall into tired axioms.
“Maybe you'll get back together!”
Why this doesn't work: Closure helps people recover from the end of a relationship. Don't sew false hope for potential reconciliations. Focus on your friend. Now is the time they can take to reinvest in themselves.
“Isn’t this a good thing?”
Why this doesn’t work: Don't make assumptions. Your friend may feel grief for a breakup, even if it will benefit them in the long run. Validate their present emotions. Don’t rush them through their feelings.
“You know why this happened, right?”
Why this doesn’t work: Now is not the time to diagnose your friend’s relationship issues, real or imagined. Don’t provide prescriptive advice on what your friend could do. Practice listening. Prioritize your friend’s feelings, rather than getting in an “I told you so” moment.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we understand what science says about heartbreak, these openers may help you get the conversation started.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“How are you feeling?”
Why this works: Openings like this give your friend the floor to divulge their feelings. They may feel positive about their breakup. If they were the initiator of the breakup, they’re more likely to feel positive. This opener doesn't make assumptions about their emotions.
“Would a distraction help?”
Why this works: Distractions boost mood, but only for a short period of time. After you've talked it out, some distraction might be the ticket. This works because it asks your friend what they need and provides an option.
How to recover
If you’ve started off on the wrong foot, it may be hard to recover. Apologize for what you said. But, more importantly, be there for your friend. Sometimes, just showing up for others can make all the difference. In the future, if they open up about this subject, listen honestly and empathetically.
Other suggestions
Don't use your friend's breakup as an excuse to engage in poor coping mechanisms. For those who abuse alcohol, divorce is correlated with relapse. Vary up your distraction strategies. Take in a museum. Book a spa day. Walk around a botanical garden. Use this time to expand your friend's horizons rather than limiting them.