What to Say: Burnout
Support your loved ones during a bout of burnout in their lives.
Support your loved ones during a bout of burnout in their lives.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLSupport your loved ones during a bout of burnout in their lives.
What we'll cover
In an increasingly stressful world, it’s common for people to experience burnout, which can cause exhaustion, negativity and feelings of ineffectiveness.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss what burnout is and what can cause it. We’ll also give you examples of what to say (and not to say) to support someone experiencing burnout.
What it is
Exhaustion, decreased motivation, low performance, detachment and negative attitudes: these are all symptoms that can accompany burnout, which isn’t an official medical diagnosis. Some professionals refer to burnout as a syndrome or psychological phenomenon.
When people feel burned out, they often feel like they can’t—or don’t want to—cope with the demands of their daily life.
Burnout is often brought on by a poor work-life balance, feeling a lack of control or unreasonable demands at work. It typically comes on when people feel stressed, overworked and underappreciated.
Today, increasing numbers of people are facing burnout. According to the American Psychological Association, this is due in large part to pandemic-related stressors, such as the politicization of masks and vaccines as well as lack of support from the government and the workplace.
What makes burnout different
Burnout can feel similar to exhaustion and depression, but a key distinction is that burnout is often work-related. Parents and caregivers can also face burnout, although the official definition only refers to job-related burnout.
According to the World Health Organization, occupational burnout is characterized by “feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion; increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one's job; and reduced professional efficacy.”
Signs that your loved one may be experiencing burnout include fatigue, apathy, alcohol or substance misuse, cynicism, diet changes and sleep changes.
What not to say
Burnout can bring a person down, making them feel as though they simply cannot cope. Knowing what not to say is helpful because the wrong phrase could make them feel even worse. Before saying anything, think about whether what you’re going to say will be kind and helpful. Here are some things to avoid saying when trying to support your loved one with burnout.
"It could be worse."
Why it doesn't work: When people are upset and under high amounts of stress, it doesn’t feel good to be invalidated. Statements like this can make them feel like they shouldn’t feel the way they do. It might make them feel like a failure for not being able to cope with their situation.
"Maybe you should see a therapist."
Why it doesn't work: Therapy can feel stigmatizing to many people, and unsolicited advice doesn’t usually go over well. Therapy can, however, be helpful for people with burnout. If you suspect your loved one might benefit from therapy, try to open up the conversation more organically by saying something like, “I’m having a hard time keeping up with all the demands at work. How are you handling it?”
"Why don’t you just take a vacation?"
Why it doesn't work: Many people who experience burnout find it very difficult to take time away from whatever is causing them to feel burned out. They would probably love a vacation, but don’t feel it’s realistic. Additionally, one single vacation won’t be enough to rid them of burnout. To truly combat burnout, changes need to be made at the source, which is often their job.
"You just need to push through. It will get better."
Why it doesn't work: Burnout is typically chronic; your loved one has likely already tried to push through for far too long. In fact, trying to push through their workplace stress without enough resources may be part of what led them to burnout in the first place.
"We’re all stressed out. You need to learn how to cope better."
Why it doesn't work: This phrase doesn’t take into account your loved one’s personal situation, and it can feel rather dismissive. Rather, as psychology professor Christina Maslach, Ph.D. explained in a podcast for the American Psychological Association, it’s better to help people find tools to cope better. If you’re in a position to make changes in their workplace, that’s incredibly helpful as well.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Because people who are struggling with burnout can be in a delicate mental state, it’s important to know the right thing to say. The following phrases can be a great way to open up a conversation or to make your loved one feel less alone.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"What you’re going through is really hard."
Why it works: Whether it’s stress from their job, exhaustion due to being the default caregiver at home, or something else causing their burnout, validating their feelings is incredibly helpful. It can make them feel less alone and gives them permission to feel the way they do.
"Do you want to meet up and get some fresh air?"
Why it works: You don’t need to mention someone’s burnout to make them feel better. Because burnout is typically focused on one thing (often work), doing activities away from the part of their life causing the burnout can be a breath of fresh air.
"You did excellent work on the project yesterday."
Why it works: People with burnout often feel like they’re failing, and they don’t think they’re good at their job. Giving them specific positive feedback can feel very meaningful to them. Maslach says one thing contributing to burnout is not being recognized for doing things well.
How to recover
We all put our foot in our mouth sometimes. If you do this when talking to your loved one who has burnout, acknowledge that you messed up and said the wrong thing. You can then simply apologize and ask for forgiveness. It’s also very helpful to try to be a better listener in the future. The more you listen to how your loved ones feel, the better you can support them.
Other suggestions
People with burnout often have too much on their plates and struggle to cope with all of the demands at their job and at home. Anything you can do to meaningfully make their life easier will be helpful. If you’re in a position to lighten their load, do it. This might mean bringing over dinner as a friend or picking up a project as a coworker. Keep in mind that someone with burnout already has a lot on their plate, so avoid doing anything that will take up a lot of their time.