What to Say: Cancerversary
Every cancer diagnosis and milestone is different.
Every cancer diagnosis and milestone is different.
Marcella Lopez
Reviewer URLEvery cancer diagnosis and milestone is different.
What we'll cover
Your loved one’s “cancerversary” is an occasion for them to recognize a specific date in their experience with cancer. This is a very personal event, and it can bring up a variety of feelings. It’s important for you to talk with your loved one about their cancerversary—if they mark the milestone—so you can better understand how best to support them.
This “What to Say” guide will help you understand cancer milestones and why people might choose to recognize them. You will also learn how to speak with your loved one about their cancer milestones and offer meaningful support for their cancerversary.
What it is
A cancerversary is one or more specific, significant dates identified and recognized by someone who has experienced cancer. Someone’s cancerversary could be the date they received their diagnosis, the date of a specific milestone in their treatment such as finishing chemotherapy or undergoing a surgery, or the date they were declared cancer-free or no evidence of disease (NED).
Recognizing health milestones
Health milestones matter because they support individuals’ specific accomplishments or outcomes within their experience. Choosing to recognize a cancerversary allows someone to take ownership of this date and what it means to them.
Cancer often takes control of a person’s life, so a cancerversary helps them regain that power. A cancerversary provides an opportunity for your loved one to reflect on everything they’ve been through, celebrate improvements to their health, share dreams for the future and express gratitude.
Ways to acknowledge
Some individuals choose joyous, social cancerversary celebrations, similar to what you’d expect for a birthday party. This could involve cake, candles, balloons … the whole nine yards! Alternatively, someone might choose to celebrate by sharing a nice meal with a small group of friends and family.
Others may prefer to have a more quiet or private recognition of their cancer milestones. This could involve self-care like journaling, meditation, massage or spending time outdoors.
The bottom line: cancerversaries are very personal and defined by the individual. There is no “right” or “wrong” way for someone to recognize their cancerversary.
Complicated emotions
While cancerversaries can be happy occasions to celebrate life beyond cancer, they can also bring up more complicated and negative feelings. According to the American Society of Clinical Oncology, “Milestones can trigger a range of emotions, from gratitude and relief to pain and sadness to fear of cancer recurrence, even after years have passed.”
These dates often come along with specific memories of cancer treatment and its associated physical and emotional side effects. Your loved one may also experience grief about their pre-cancer life and identity. It’s important to maintain open communication so they may share how they feel about their cancerversary.
What not to say
It’s important to be intentional with your language about your loved one’s cancerversary to validate their experience. Avoid imposing any judgements about how, when or why they choose to recognize this date. Avoid these phrases when speaking to them about their cancerversary.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: You might not know exactly what to say on someone’s cancerversary, and that is totally understandable. But if you avoid the topic altogether, it could send the message that you don’t care to recognize the significance this date holds for them. Instead, gently check in and let them know you’d like to learn more about what their cancerversary means to them.
"Isn’t it time to move on?"
Why it doesn't work: This statement is insensitive and unfairly imposes a deadline for when your friend should be “done” thinking about cancer and its associated milestones or side effects. Even as time goes by, your loved one will always have cancer as part of their personal story. Your continued support for their cancerversary will help them recognize this part of their identity, no matter how much time has passed.
"Don’t be sad!"
Why it doesn't work: Cancerversaries bring up a range of emotions, and it’s important for your loved one to have space to experience their feelings in an authentic manner—even if that means experiencing bouts of grief and sadness. Let your friend set the tone for their cancerversary, whether that means enjoying an all-out party, shedding some tears, having serious conversations with loved ones, being alone, or a combination of these things.
"At least your case wasn’t too bad."
Why it doesn't work: This statement is likely intended as an expression of positivity, but measuring the difficulty of someone’s cancer experience makes assumptions about someone else’s personal experience—and it may even cause them harm. “At least…” statements in particular tend to invalidate your friend’s lived experience. If you’re thankful that they are in better health now, simply tell them that without qualifying any part of their illness or treatment.
"When are you going to go back to your old hairstyle?"
Why it doesn't work: This statement imposes an unnecessary expectation for how your loved one expresses their personal identity. It also assumes that their hair will grow back as it did before. Do not enforce your own opinions on someone else’s physical changes or how they should approach them through cancer treatment or recovery. Instead, express your support for them whether they return to a similar personal appearance as before or have an entirely different look.
What to say
Because cancerversaries can be so varied in how they are recognized and the emotions surrounding them, one of the best things you can do is let your loved one know you care about them and support their choices on how to acknowledge their cancerversary. This is an opportunity for you to connect in a meaningful way and help recognize this part of their life experience.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m thinking of you today. How are you feeling?"
Why it works: This statement creates space for any range of responses from your friend, without placing any expectations for how they should be feeling. Whether they’re feeling celebratory, sad, or everything in between, you’re there to listen.
"I’m so glad you’re here."
Why it works: This statement shows that your friend’s cancerversary is important to you because they are important to you. It expresses gratitude for them as an individual and the role they play in your life.
"I’d love to help you recognize your cancerversary!"
Why it works: This statement shows your enthusiasm in recognizing this occasion for your friend. Even though you didn’t personally share their cancer experience, participating in their cancerversary is a meaningful way to show your love and support.
How to recover
Cancerversaries can be emotionally complicated. Even with the best intentions, you might slip up and say something that misses the mark. If you make a mistake, own up to it. Tell your friend that you want to better understand their experience. For more information, see our articles ”What to Say: Apologies” and “How to Be a Better Listener”.