What to Say: Caregivers
Learn what caregivers do and how you can support them in this important role.
Learn what caregivers do and how you can support them in this important role.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLLearn what caregivers do and how you can support them in this important role.
What we'll cover
Caregiving can be a meaningful and rewarding way for someone to support another individual. At the same time, caregiving takes significant time and energy. If someone in your life is a caregiver, it’s important to know the impacts and challenges they face so you understand your loved one’s experience in this role.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover what a caregiver does, the benefits and challenges of caregiving and how the act of caregiving affects the caregiver. You’ll learn what phrases to avoid when speaking with a caregiver and what you can say instead. We’ll also look at other ways you can support a caregiver.
What it is
A caregiver is someone who provides support to a family member or friend experiencing illness, recovery or disability. This support can include tasks such as organizing medications, providing transportation, accompanying the recipient to medical appointments, assisting with personal hygiene and preparing meals. Caregivers may also provide emotional support and companionship.
An individual receiving care will likely have a team of professional medical caregivers and informal caregivers, such as family and friends. Informal caregivers play an important personal role in this care team alongside the medical support provided by doctors.
Many informal caregivers choose this role because they want to take care of their loved one and spend quality time with them. It’s a bonding experience and an opportunity to connect. Informal caregivers also know the care recipient on a personal level and can provide individualized support. However, some caregivers may not willingly choose the role of caregiver and are the only option available for their loved one.
Caregiving challenges
No matter a person’s dedication to caregiving, the role of a caregiver can be overwhelming. Even when professionals are involved, it still takes work to coordinate various responsibilities, facilitate communication and navigate areas like insurance.
In addition to overseeing someone else’s care and treatment, caregivers also have their own personal responsibilities and needs. The University of Pennsylvania’s OncoLink says caregivers “manage the physical, emotional, spiritual, and practical needs of another person, all while managing their own life, needs, family, and career.”
Caregiving can also be financially straining. Caregivers may take time away from their own jobs in order to spend more time with the care recipient. They may also be responsible for additional costs, such as those for professional caregiving and other medical expenses.
Johns Hopkins Medicine says, “One of the challenges faced by those who have been called to care is taking good care of themselves.” Caregivers may feel guilty taking time away from their loved one for their own hobbies, social activities and even medical appointments.
Caregiver guilt
Acting as a caregiver can come with feelings of helplessness and guilt about the recipient’s medical situation. In many cases, no matter how dedicated and attentive the caregiver is, they may never see their loved one “get better,” medically speaking.
Caregivers may also feel guilty about recruiting help with various tasks. They might feel like they should be the sole person taking care of their loved one or that no one else would know how to do it properly. Although professional support services are available, caregivers may hesitate to hire professional help for a variety of reasons—including feelings of guilt, the extra expenses involved, and the loss of some privacy and control.
Burnout and health risks
Unfortunately, caregivers can become so consumed with their role that they experience “caregiver burnout.” Johns Hopkins Medicine defines burnout as “a state of emotional exhaustion that results from failing, wearing out, or feeling totally used up due to too many demands on one’s energy, strength, or resources.”
When a caregiver experiences burnout, this may involve depression, physical fatigue, sleep disorders and other health problems. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) says caregivers might neglect their own self-care, which can include “difficulty maintaining a healthy lifestyle and staying up-to-date on recommended clinical preventive services.”
What not to say
Be mindful of how you interact with your loved one ,and remember they may be facing emotional, physical and financial challenges as a caregiver. Do not use the following phases when speaking to the caregivers in your life.
“You shouldn’t be doing all of that.”
Why it doesn't work: Your loved one may find it difficult to delegate tasks or give up certain responsibilities. As a result, they may take on more than they can reasonably manage. Statements like this can feel like criticism. Instead, tell them you can see how much they care about their loved one. Gently offer help with prioritization and delegation to help take a load off of their plate.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Why it doesn't work: Your loved one may find it difficult to delegate tasks or give up certain responsibilities. As a result, they may take on more than they can reasonably manage. Instead of criticizing them, tell them you can see how much they care about their loved one. Gently offer help with prioritization and delegation to help take a load off of their plate.
"I never see you anymore!"
Why it doesn't work: Although you might not see your loved one as much as you’d like, statements like this can place guilt on caregivers for dedicating so much time and energy to caregiving. They may already feel like they’re not doing enough for the care recipient. Don’t add to their guilt. Instead, simply check in on them to tell them you’re thinking of them.
"Why don’t you put them into a healthcare facility?"
Why it doesn't work: There are many reasons why someone might act as a caregiver to someone else. This choice is based on the personal relationship, finances and medical details of the caregiver and the care recipient. Don’t make assumptions about what is best for the care recipient. If you want to better understand the situation, ask your loved one about their role as a caregiver and what it means to them.
"You look exhausted."
Why it doesn't work: Caregiver exhaustion is real, but it’s not helpful for you to point out how tired someone looks. They may be neglecting their own self-care to dedicate time and energy to caregiving. Gently offer to take a practical task off their plate to give them time for self-care.
"You shouldn’t be giving them that medication/treatment."
Why it doesn't work: Don’t give unsolicited advice, medical or otherwise, about how the caregiver is taking care of the care recipient unless it is clear they are doing harm. Many factors play into care decisions, and oftentimes, much is out of the caregiver’s control. If the care recipient is not in actual danger caused by a caregiver, it is not your place to criticize how someone takes care of them.
What to say
When interacting with a caregiver, you can use the following statements to remind the person that they are doing a good job, they don’t have to do it all, and they deserve support for their own needs, too.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Would you like help delegating tasks or responsibilities?"
Why it works: A caregiver might feel like they have to do it all, and oftentimes it’s hard to delegate. This statement provides an opportunity for your loved one to assess what they have on their plate and redistribute as needed.
"I can tell you really love and care about them."
Why it works: A caregiver may feel guilt that they are not doing enough for their loved one, especially with medical factors out of their control. This statement is a loving reminder that what the caregiver is doing matters, and what they’re able to do is enough.
"Do you want to talk about how you’re doing?"
Why it works: As a caregiver, your loved one may be providing a lot of one-way support, and not actively seeking help for their own well-being. This statement can provide an opportunity for your loved one to be a support recipient, too.
How to recover
When interacting with a caregiver, you may mess up and say something unhelpful—like unsolicited advice on how the caregiver should be taking care of their loved one. This can upset your loved one, as a personal attack on their role as a caregiver.
If you make a mistake, apologize and acknowledge specifically what was wrong about what you said. Explain that you care about the recipient and the caregiver, but need to work on expressing this concern in a more helpful and loving way.
Other suggestions
Offer to help your loved one reconnect with their personal interests and self-care. Schedule time for them to have coffee with a friend, spend time outdoors or get a massage. Reassure them that the caregiving responsibilities will be taken care of during this time so they can focus on taking good care of themselves. Provide a plan, if necessary, to outline how the caregiving responsibilities will be taken care of to remove questions or doubts.
Offer to take some tasks off of your loved one’s plate so they can enjoy uninterrupted quality time with the care recipient. This could involve coordinating other caregivers, communicating with medical providers, cooking a meal or sorting through paperwork for them.