What to Say: Changing Pronouns
How to support someone changing their pronouns.
How to support someone changing their pronouns.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLHow to support someone changing their pronouns.
What we'll cover
Pronouns are a basic part of everyday language and how we relate and refer to one another. When a loved one has come to you about changing their pronouns, it’s important to understand both what that means and how to address them.
In this “What to Say '' guide, we break down what pronouns are and why someone might change them. We’ll also go over what to say and what to avoid saying as you learn to support your loved ones and address them correctly.
What it is
Pronouns are how we refer to other people and ourselves, usually by “you and I,” “he and him,” “she and her,” or “they and them.” Pronouns in the English language can refer to people generally or also indicate one’s gender. People are typically assigned a gender (social and cultural roles that guide acceptable behavior, physical presentation and roles in society) at birth based on sex (specific genitalia.) These assignments correlate to the pronouns we receive — “she and her” for those assigned and socialized as women and “he and him” for men. The third category of pronouns in the English language are “they and them,” referring to people of unspecified gender. For example, someone might say, “Did they just drop their keys?”
However, the categories assigned to large groups of people don’t always fit the individual, and some people may decide to change their pronouns. Pronoun changes are a common part of a trans or non-binary person’s social transition, where they select pronouns that feel most appropriate in addition to possibly changing their name. Some people may also use multiple sets of pronouns, such as “she and they,” or may elect for neopronouns (“neo” meaning new, referring to more recent gender expansive pronouns, such as “ze and zir”).
It’s possible this is your first time navigating a loved one’s pronoun change, but it’s increasingly common. A 2021 study conducted by Pew Research Center found that 26% of Americans know someone who uses gender neutral pronouns (like “they and them”), up from 18% in 2018. While these numbers are encouraging, it’s important to remember that changing pronouns, being trans, LGBTQ+, and/or non-binary isn’t a passing fad or trend — more people who’ve wanted to express their gender and identity are more likely to do so now than in decades past.
Pronouns matter because they reflect how people move in the world and feel about themselves. The use of gender-affirming language has a big impact as well, with the Minnesota Department of Health finding in a 2019 student survey that trans and non-binary youth who reported having their pronouns respected by the people they live with attempted suicide at half the rate of those who did not have their pronouns respected at home.
What not to say
Knowing the right words to say may be difficult, but it is not possible. Avoid the phrases below when offering your support.
"Does this mean you’re trans now?"
Why it doesn’t work: It’s not helpful to jump to conclusions about your loved one. Never make assumptions about someone’s gender identity or pressure them to come out to you, even if they are changing pronouns. Accept that your loved one is telling you something important, but remember you’re not entitled to ask invasive questions.
"You’re just looking for attention."
Why it doesn't work: This statement is a classic comment used to dismiss people who are not straight, cisgender or using the pronouns assigned to them. It’s hurtful and pushes conformity rather than acceptance. Your loved one is looking for respect, not attention.
"I’ll never be able to remember that."
Why it doesn't work: Immediately dismissing a pronoun change as “too hard” for you to remember, think about or say makes the situation about you and your feelings. Centering yourself and highlighting your own reluctance to respect your loved one won’t do you or your relationships any favors, nor will it prevent your loved one from changing their pronouns. This kind of statement will only serve to isolate you from your loved one.
"You can’t change your biological sex. You’re a man/woman."
Why it doesn't work: Whether or not you accept it, biological sex and gender are not the same thing. It’s not someone’s anatomy that matters, but who they are as a person. Your responsibility is to believe someone and support them as they navigate new pronouns and see what works best for them.
"That doesn’t make grammatical sense."
Why it doesn't work: This statement is usually used to talk about gender neutral pronouns like “they and them” or neo pronouns like “ze and zir.” However, “they” is used frequently in the English language as a singular pronoun (i.e. They just called me about the lawn mower). Many languages like Turkish don’t distinguish between gender at all, meaning gender neutral pronouns are the norm. Most likely, the issue here isn’t with grammar or language use — it’s actually about not being supportive.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you have a better understanding of pronouns and phrases to avoid, here are some affirming phrases you might use instead.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m so glad you told me."
Why it works: This is a great, neutral phrase to use. Phrases like this express support without passing judgment or centering your own feelings. By saying things like this, you keep the conversation open and encourage your loved one to share.
"I want to respect your pronouns, but it may take a little time for me to get used to it. What’s the best thing to do if I mess up?"
Why it works: It’s normal to make mistakes when learning someone’s new pronouns, and asking how to handle it will help smooth the transition. Your loved one might suggest a quick correction, brief apology or nothing at all when mistakes happen.
"I want this relationship to feel safe for you. Is there anything else I should know or do?"
Why it works: This question not only shows your understanding, but allows your loved one to give you tangible requests and share how to best support them. This is also an opportunity to check in with them about social situations, as they may only want their new pronouns to be used at home, at work or between the two of you.
How to recover
If you say the wrong thing, don’t panic. Take a moment to ground yourself, and remember what’s most important: your relationship with your loved one and your ability to respect their needs. If you’ve been caught off guard by the conversation and need a moment, ask your loved one for a 10-minute break to collect your thoughts. After taking a break, address the comment you made with your loved one and seek to understand why it wasn’t appropriate and how it affected them.
Apologize for the comment, and let them know you’re committed to not making the same mistake in the future. Then, try “resetting” the conversation with something like, “I know I said that, but what I truly feel is a desire to support and understand you. Can we try again?”
Remember, your loved one may share some things that will help you understand their point of view, but it’s not their job to educate you on gender, pronouns or anything else. Accept what they are willing to share, and make note of what concepts you can explore later.
Other suggestions
For many people, thinking critically about gender and language—things we were all taught to assume as a “given”—can raise a lot of questions. A great place to start is reflecting on your own relationship to gender and the language that defines you. Ask yourself when you’ve felt constrained by gender roles or were described in a way that made you feel uncomfortable. It could be as common as “men don’t cry,” or “she’s just my little princess.”
Taking the time to consider the ways you’ve been socialized will help you develop empathy and understanding towards your loved one. You may also find speaking to a therapist or professional will help you articulate these thoughts and experiences more deeply. Just make sure your therapist is trained to handle questions related to gender and LGBTQ+ identity in an inclusive way.
Additionally, you can also educate yourself on gender-affirming language through books, podcasts and other media. Podcasts like The Gender Rebels Podcast and books like Alok Vaid-Menon’s book Beyond the Gender Binary are a great place to start. You might even ask your loved one for recommendations or to read books together as discussion starters.