What to Say: Chemotherapy
Learn how to support a loved one going through chemotherapy treatment.
Learn how to support a loved one going through chemotherapy treatment.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLLearn how to support a loved one going through chemotherapy treatment.
What we'll cover
While chemotherapy is a powerful tool for treating cancer, it also presents a plethora of physical and emotional challenges for patients. This makes an already difficult situation even harder, both for the person receiving chemotherapy and for loved ones seeking to support them. Learning more about their situation will help you better communicate and support a friend or family member receiving chemotherapy.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover what chemotherapy is, how it is used to treat cancer and what side effects chemotherapy may cause. You’ll learn about the physical and mental impact chemotherapy may cause, and what you can say and do to support your loved one in a meaningful way.
What it is
Chemotherapy is a type of medical treatment most often used for cancer. In chemotherapy treatment, chemicals are used to kill fast-growing cells in the body. Chemotherapy is an aggressive treatment strategy that comes along with many side effects. At the same time, it can prove successful at reducing or eliminating the cancer cells in a patient’s body.
There are many different chemotherapy drugs for various types of cancer and individual situations. Oftentimes, chemotherapy is delivered into the bloodstream intravenously. In some cases, it may be given orally in pill form or topically on the skin.
A patient’s chemotherapy treatment plan and schedule will be determined by their doctor. For those with cancer, this plan is individualized based on the person’s cancer type as well as other factors such as their height, weight, age and overall health. Their physician will monitor them throughout this treatment plan and make adjustments as needed based on their side effects and the cancer cells’ response to chemotherapy.
Side effects
Chemotherapy can cause a variety of physical side effects including hair loss, skin and nail damage, and weight changes. Someone receiving chemotherapy may also experience fatigue, sleep changes, nausea, fertility changes, memory issues, taste changes and pain.
Chemotherapy also impacts a person’s mental health. Although chemotherapy is most often intended as an anti-cancer treatment, it is not a guaranteed cure. Therefore, individuals receiving chemotherapy may struggle facing the unknowns of their treatment plan and its potential success.
Isolation and support
Chemotherapy treatment can be an incredibly lonely time, during which someone has to put their pre-cancer life on pause and dedicate much of their time and energy to receiving treatment. Chemotherapy infusion sessions are time-consuming, and can span from a few hours up to multiple days in the hospital. Chemotherapy treatment cycles vary, but oftentimes involve multiple infusion sessions and can continue for several months or longer. With all this time spent actively receiving treatment, social connections are important to help your loved one feel less alone.
Rebecca Follenweider, a lymphoma nurse navigator at the University of Chicago Medical Center (and herself a leukemia survivor) works with patients from their initial cancer diagnosis through treatment and beyond. She says, "A lot of people don't understand how isolating cancer treatment truly can be." Follenweider emphasizes showing up for loved ones going through chemotherapy and providing emotional support is incredibly important for their mental health.
Every chemotherapy experience is unique, and we cannot truly comprehend what a loved one is going through during their treatment. However, if we strive to better understand their situation, we can learn how to better support them during this time.
A study featured in the journal Cancer Reports notes, "recognition of invisible subjective symptoms in patients undergoing chemotherapy was difficult even for family members." Additionally, the study results concluded "information sharing in collaboration with patients and families could increase understanding of the patient's condition and optimize patient care."
What not to say
Your loved one experiencing chemotherapy is likely facing complex information, changes to their physical appearance and lifestyle, and mental health challenges. Remember: all of the factors are out of their control. Avoid giving any unsolicited advice and opinions, and do not use the following phrases with your loved one.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. Your loved one going through chemotherapy will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during this especially difficult time. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing. Instead of avoiding a conversation, try a phrase like, “I can’t begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you.”
"You don’t look sick!"
Why it doesn't work: Don’t make unsolicited comments about their appearance. Although this phrase is meant as a compliment, it’s dismissive of the real physical changes your loved one has experienced from chemotherapy. Even if you think they look good, they may be having a hard time with these changes. Also, some of their side effects may be less visible, but still incredibly challenging. Instead, if they bring up their physical appearance, be ready to listen without dismissing their experience.
"You shouldn’t eat that while you are in chemo."
Why it doesn't work: Chemotherapy can impact a person’s appetite, sense of taste and dietary needs. Your loved one’s doctors will advise them on how to make the best food choices for their situation. Don’t give them advice on what to eat or not eat. Instead, express your interest in helping them with meals, and ask them for their input on what they would like to eat.
"Let me know if you need anything!"
Why it doesn't work: This phrase, while well-intentioned, is not helpful for your loved one. It places the responsibility on them to think of something for you to do, and then ask you to do it. This may result in them feeling guilty or overwhelmed asking for help. Instead, think of a chore or favor you’d like to help with, and offer that specifically. For example: “Could I take your dog out for a walk tomorrow?”
"You shouldn’t do chemotherapy. It’s toxic."
Why it doesn't work: Unsolicited, non-expert medical advice can be hurtful and even dangerous. Your loved one has entrusted their care to a team of medical professionals, and together, they will make informed decisions. If they have decided to proceed with chemotherapy, it’s because they believe it is an appropriate treatment choice for their specific situation.
What to say
In many cases, there is little you can do personally to prevent or fully control the challenges your loved one is facing in chemotherapy. You can, however, show up for them and make them feel heard and loved. Here are some ideas of how you can interact with them in a supportive way.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I know this is a big change in your life. I’m still here for you."
Why it works: Although your friend or family member is going through a health crisis, they are still the same person you know and love. They will appreciate having your support as a constant during this time of change. Follenweider emphasizes the importance of treating your loved one the same as before. “It’s a scary time for sure, but they just want to feel supported,” she says.
"I’m here to listen to whatever you want to share."
Why it works: This phrase gives your loved one an opportunity to express how they truly feel, no matter how difficult it is. It sets the tone for a judgment-free conversation. This also allows your loved one the opportunity to decide what parts of their experience they want to talk about — or even to talk about something else altogether.
How to recover
You might slip up and accidentally say something hurtful, like commenting on your loved one’s new appearance. Apologize for what you said, and acknowledge why it was wrong.
You can say something like, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said you look good bald. I know that your hair is really personal, and that comment was hurtful.”
Other suggestions
Offer to help with the logistics of your loved one’s chemotherapy treatment. This could involve helping them make a treatment calendar, driving them to appointments or picking up their medications. This will take some of the treatment-related tasks off of their plate so they can have more time to rest and recover.
Think of small personal acts that would brighten your loved one’s day. Maybe they would like a playlist of upbeat music to listen to while they’re receiving treatment. Or you could pool together money with friends to purchase a gift card for meal delivery and give them a break from hospital food.