What to Say: Children Entering Puberty
Puberty can be a challenging time for parents and children.
Puberty can be a challenging time for parents and children.
Kashinda Carter
Reviewer URLPuberty can be a challenging time for parents and children.
What we'll cover
Every stage in a child’s development can be difficult for parents, and children entering puberty is no exception. Here, hormones take center stage, and it can be a tough time to navigate the effects of these hormones.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll focus on what happens during puberty, how relationships between the child and parent can change and how you can best support your loved one as their child is experiencing changes in their body.
What it is
Puberty is a time of big changes for a child—physically, mentally and emotionally. Puberty begins at different ages, ranging from ages 9 to 14 for children assigned male at birth and ages 8 to 13 years old for those assigned female. Puberty is a time when changes occur in the body in order to become sexually mature, meaning they are capable of conceiving a child of their own. This may mean testosterone and sperm production or beginning a period and developing breasts.
But emotional changes can also occur, causing children to become more easily frustrated or angry, more sensitive, or develop strong feelings about their sexuality. All of this is normal, but it can be a lot for both children and their parents or guardians to experience.
Potential experiences
Research has indicated increased conflict and “less warm interactions” can occur between the parent and child during this time. For some parents, that may be putting things mildly.
According to Stanford Medicine, puberty may lead to a reorganization of relationships within the family. Relationships change. Teens want to become more independent, and this can conflict with the boundaries parents may set.
Parents may feel stress as they struggle with providing more independence to their children and keeping them safe. It may also be difficult to let their child grow up and not need them as much as they did in the past. Whatever your loved one may be experiencing, it is important to offer your support as they navigate this unique time in their child’s life.
What not to say
While puberty can be a challenging time, it also means a child is developing into an adult. It’s important to balance limits with helping children become more independent. Here are some tips on what to avoid saying to your loved one who is parenting a child going through puberty.
“I went through this a few years ago. Good luck!”
Why it doesn't work: Comments such as this, while potentially eliciting a laugh from your friend, are rarely helpful. It’s like you’re waving from the beach to a person who is drowning. You might have been through a tough stage of life with your own children in the past, but there are other things you can say that are more supportive and helpful.
“Have they gotten their period yet?”
Why it doesn't work: This question could come off as awkward and intrusive, unless you know your friend well. If you’re ready to offer advice and support, that’s one thing. But if you’re just curious, you may want to refrain from asking personal questions and wait to see if your friend brings it up themself.
“You need to be firm and show them who’s boss.”
Why it doesn't work: First, your friend is trying their best, and parenting a preteen or teenager can be challenging. Some people think parenting with an iron fist is the best way to go, and it might be how you were raised yourself. But it’s best to leave the parenting advice alone. Your friend knows their child best and how they respond to different types of parenting.
"I'm glad I don't have kids!"
Why it doesn't work: No matter the stage of parenting, it’s difficult to raise children. You might feel grateful that you won’t have to go through the puberty stage with a child yourself. But comments like this aren’t helpful to your friend and may even make them shut down and stop mentioning their concerns to you.
“Why do you let them be so rude to you?"
Why it doesn't work: Again, parenting is hard. Parenting a teenager brings its own unique difficulties. Your friend may feel overwhelmed knowing their child—who used to think they were their whole world—is now “battling” against them. You may not know the whole situation and aren’t in a place to give judgment.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Puberty can be a rough time for all parties. Your loved one needs support right now, and you can help be there for them by refraining from making judgments or jokes about their situation. Here are some ways you can show them you care.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"You're doing a great job."
Why it works: An statement such as this offers no judgment, just encouragement for your friend to keep going. It can be validating for your friend who might be feeling the opposite while in the center of big emotions from their child. It might be just what they needed to hear that day.
“This is just a stage. I know this is touch right now, but it does get better.”
Why it works: This comment, while it doesn’t offer any advice, can be a relief for parents to hear. Of course, they know these tough situations won’t last forever, but it can be encouraging to hear when they might be feeling like puberty will never end.
Other suggestions
Your loved one may be so preoccupied with parenting a pubescent child that they may not take it to heart if you said something unhelpful. But if you notice you said something hurtful, it can only help to make an apology.
If you know your loved one’s child well and have a good relationship with them, you might offer to take them to the movies or out to eat just to hang out. Having other adult role models in a child’s life can be helpful for them, and it can give your loved one a little break.
Be a listening ear to your loved one, and know you don’t always need to dole out advice. The best thing you can do is to be there and empathize with your loved one. You may even share a parenting article or podcast that might help your friend find some tips on loving their child through the puberty stage.