What to Say: Chronic Illness
When faced with a chronic illness, your loved one will need enduring support.
When faced with a chronic illness, your loved one will need enduring support.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLWhen faced with a chronic illness, your loved one will need enduring support.
What we'll cover
Unlike a new illness, chronic illness can have a particularly difficult impact on your friend or loved one’s mental and physical health due to its ongoing status. And just as each person’s health experience is unique, so too is how they can best be supported.
In this "What to Say" guide, we'll look at the mental and physical effects a chronic illness can have on a person. We’ll also let you know what to say and what not to say to someone who is living with a chronic illness.
What it is
About 6 in 10 adults in the United States are living with a chronic illness, and 4 in 10 adults have at least two chronic illnesses at the same time. Being ill with a chronic health condition can mean different things depending on the diagnosis, the individual and how different institutions define chronic illnesses.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, a chronic illness or disease means the condition lasts at least a year, requires a person to need medical care on an ongoing basis, and/or somehow affects how they live their daily life. On the other hand, the National Center for Health Statistics defines chronic illness as an illness lasting three months or more.
Some chronic illnesses include, but are not limited to:
— Type 2 diabetes
— Arthritis
— Cancer
— Crohn's disease
— Asthma
— Fibromyalgia
Ramifications of chronic illness
Symptoms of a chronic illness can affect every part of a person’s life. Many people who have chronic illnesses face fatigue. Sometimes, chronic illness can also include chronic pain, like fibromyalgia, a condition that can cause widespread painful sensations throughout the body, sleep issues and fatigue.
Often, others can’t “see” this pain, so it can be difficult to understand what the other person is experiencing. If the person had a broken bone or had the flu, it may be easier for loved ones to understand something was wrong and might be more empathetic. But a long-lasting illness without visible symptoms might affect how a person receives support. For instance, rheumatoid arthritis isn’t apparent from the outside but can cause pain and mobility issues. Friends and family might not understand that a person may have a hard time keeping up at an all-day event.
People living with chronic illnesses may struggle with their mental health, too. According to the Cleveland Clinic, an estimated one-third of people who are chronically ill can have depression symptoms.
Chronic illnesses can make it more challenging to find and hold a job, attend social events, or provide caretaking. People with chronic illnesses may feel isolated or lonely. Often, experiencing pain or severe fatigue can affect a person’s social life since they may need to stay home and rest. Their schedules may be full of doctor appointments since people with chronic illnesses may need to see multiple specialists to manage their diagnosis.
What not to say
Experiencing chronic illness feels different for everyone. You may feel you’re being helpful when offering advice or commenting on their experience. But by letting the other person share their own feelings, you can understand how to best help them. The following are examples of things to avoid saying when speaking with your loved one.
"Have you tried...?"
Why it doesn't work: When someone has a chronic health condition, you might feel you’re being helpful when you bring up potential remedies to fix it. However, your suggestions can make your friend or loved one feel guilty if they aren’t using these natural remedies or pursuing other treatments for their condition. Instead, leave the treatment options to your friend’s medical team. Of course, if your friend is specifically asking for your advice and you happen to have experience in the matter, you can provide suggestions. Keep in mind, however, what worked for you may not necessarily be right for your friend.
"You have to cancel plans again?"
Why it doesn't work: Chronic illnesses often cause fatigue. It’s not your loved one’s fault—they are trying to prioritize their health. While you may feel disappointed when plans change, try to be understanding.
"You don't look like you're sick."
Why it doesn't work: Many people with chronic illness might not show any outward signs. It’s easy to see someone blowing their nose when they have a cold or look pale when they’re tired and not feeling well. You might assume your statement is positive, but it may sound dismissive of the other person’s experience and cause frustration.
"Try to stay positive."
Why it doesn't work: People with chronic illnesses may have good days and bad days. Although well-intentioned, this statement may seem dismissive of your loved one’s feelings and experiences. It can also make your friend feel like they aren’t trying hard enough. Like anyone else, your friend is allowed to feel what they need to feel.
"At least you don't have..."
Why it doesn't work: Comparing your friend’s health journey to someone else who may appear to struggle more isn’t helpful. You may feel putting their illness in perspective will help your friend feel better about their situation, but who’s to say someone else’s struggle is worse? It can also make your friend feel like you’re dismissive of their experience.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
While it may be tough to find the right words when talking to a loved one struggling with a chronic illness, there are some important things you can say and do to show your support.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"This must be hard for you."
Why it works: Letting your friend or loved one know you understand and are there for support can help them feel seen. It may seem easy to offer advice, but your friend has their own unique challenges with their illness. This statement validates your friend without judgment.
"I may not know how you feel, but I'm here if you need me."
Why it works: Unless you also have a chronic illness, you can’t know how someone else is feeling. And even if you did, your friend’s experience is going to be different than yours. Statements simply letting the other person know you’re there for them are empathetic and supportive. It can also help your friend feel less alone.
How to recover
You have the best intentions, but there’s a chance you may make a mistake when supporting your loved one through their chronic illness. If you find you’ve made a blunder or hurt someone because of something you said, acknowledge it and apologize. See our articles on “How to Admit When You're Wrong” and “How to Be a Better Listener” for additional tips.
Other sugggestions
There are plenty of other ways to support your loved one besides knowing what or what not to say. Just letting them know you’re available if they need you or finding some time to visit with them when they’re feeling well means a lot.
Household tasks, parenting duties, and personal and professional responsibilities can be exhausting when dealing with an illness. Offer to wash dishes, do a load of laundry or take their children to the park so your friend can rest. If it seems they may be struggling with their mental health, gently encourage them to seek help from a therapist or support group.