What to Say: Coming Out - Gender
Offer support for those you love as they share their gender identity with you.
Offer support for those you love as they share their gender identity with you.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLOffer support for those you love as they share their gender identity with you.
What we'll cover
Coming out about one’s gender identity looks different for everyone. For some, a gender coming out is joyful and affirming, but for others, it can be exhausting and scary.
In this "What to Say" guide, we'll talk about what coming out is and why it matters to so many queer, trans and non-binary people. We'll also discuss what to say to someone who’s disclosed their gender to you and what to avoid saying when trying to support them.
What it is
Though most people are familiar with “coming out” about one’s sexuality, you may not be as well-versed in understanding what coming out entails for gender identity. It’s important to know that gender and sexuality are distinct from one another. If someone comes out to you as trans, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are coming out to you as queer, gay, bisexual, etc.
At its core, coming out about one’s gender identity means they are choosing to disclose to you their correct gender — not their assigned gender at birth or the gender in which they were raised. Sometimes, this looks like coming out as a trans man, trans woman, non-binary, genderqueer or another gender identity. Some people may also choose to use their coming out as an opportunity to begin medical or social transition. This means they may dress in a way that feels in line with their gender, choose to change their name and pronouns, or opt for hormone therapy. However, not every trans or non-binary person chooses medical transition, and that decision does not make their gender any less “real.”
Being trans today
In this political moment, being trans is particularly dangerous as legal, social and healthcare rights are under fire. In 2022, United States lawmakers introduced nearly 240 anti-LGBTQ+ bills (up from only 41 bills in 2018)— and the majority targeted trans people. Additionally, the National Alliance to End Homelessness reports that trans people are disproportionately affected by homelessness and since 2016, homelessness among trans people has increased 88%. Trans people often live at the intersection of precarious housing, social and legal discrimination, and healthcare inequities.
Coming out isn’t something most trans people do lightly, but it’s also important to remember your loved one isn’t a statistic or number on a screen. There is joy, authenticity and agency for many trans people when they come out — and you have the opportunity to celebrate with them. See your loved one’s disclosure as a gift, responsibility, and opportunity to support and honor them.
What not to say
Coming out looks different for everyone. You may receive a phone call, text, letter or receive an invitation for an in-person conversation. It’s important to meet your loved one where they’re at — avoid invasive questions, passing judgment or expressing doubt. Let your loved one take the lead and allow them to express only what feels comfortable and appropriate for the moment.
The following are examples of things to avoid saying when speaking with your loved one during their coming out.
"But you were always so masculine/feminine!"
Why it doesn't work: This statement doesn’t work because it shuts the other person down and invalidates them. You don’t get to decide if someone else’s gender is “real” due to their past performance of masculinity or femininity, their way of dressing, dating history, etc. You are not a detective bringing forth evidence of their “real” gender. Believe that your loved one knows who they are.
"This is just a phase."
Why it doesn't work: This phrase does two things: first, it dismisses your loved one’s important disclosure as silly, self-indulgent or immature. Second, you are showing your loved one that you are not a safe person to lean on — especially if they decide to experiment or change how they present or identify over time. Avoid sentences that show condescension rather than curiosity.
"Does this mean you’re getting surgery?"
Why it doesn't work: This sentence is a serious invasion of privacy. When trans people come out, their friends and family will often fixate on genitalia and medical transition. It can be very uncomfortable for them. Do the opposite, and let your loved one take the lead on what they will and will not disclose.
"I don’t care, but don’t tell [Family Member]."
Why it doesn't work: You may mean well with this phrase, but you should care that your loved one is coming out. Your loved one did not have to come out to you, but they chose t0 give you a gift and invite you into their life. Not caring is dismissive and hurtful — especially when you immediately put limits on the support you’ll give. Who your loved one comes out to is completely up to them. You can help by affirming their decisions, offering support, and providing advice (when they ask for it).
"Your new name/pronouns will be too hard to remember."
Why it doesn't work: Correct names and pronouns are the gateway to meaningful, respectful conversation with your loved one. This doesn’t mean that changing how you see, refer to and understand your loved one can’t be a difficult transition. You’re allowed to have your own feelings and take the time you need to adjust. However, you must put in the work and honor your loved one’s correct name and pronouns.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you have a better understanding of why coming out is important and phrases to avoid, here are some affirming statements you might use.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Thank you so much for trusting me."
Why it works: Thanking someone and acknowledging the trust they showed you is a great first step. Coming out is a huge leap of faith, and your loved one is offering you the gift of trust, honesty and communication. This phrase is especially useful if you’re caught off guard or not sure what an appropriate response is — use it as a moment to catch your breath or affirm understanding.
"What do you need right now?"
Why it works: Your loved one is coming to you for support. Don’t try guessing — just ask what they need. Affirmations of love? Curiosity? A shoulder to lean on? An active listener? Keep the focus on your loved one and what tangible, in-the-moment support you can offer.
How to recover
If you say the wrong thing and unintentionally hurt your loved one, pause the conversation and check in with them. Ask something like, “I can see that I may have just hurt you. Can we take a moment to resolve this?” Once you understand how you hurt your loved one, take responsibility and apologize. Then, ask if you can continue the conversation with a phrase like, “I want to support you right now. Can we try again?”
Your loved one may or may not want to continue the conversation, but whatever their decision, respect it with grace and compassion. Let them know that you regret what you said or did and that you are available for support when they are ready.
Other suggestions
If you’re not used to in-depth conversations on gender identity, gender expression, and language like “trans,” “non-binary” or “cisgender,” it’s ok to feel overwhelmed or confused. Your loved one may take the time to explain a few important concepts to you — particularly what being trans means to them — but you also have a responsibility to do your own research. It is not the responsibility of trans people to educate you.
Consider using resources like books, podcasts and social media from the trans community to introduce yourself to a more in-depth understanding of gender. Remember, you don’t need to be an expert, but equipping yourself with a deeper understanding of gender will help you understand your loved one’s needs — without using them as a dictionary all the time.
If these resources aren’t enough, you may also consider using a trans-inclusive and LGBTQ-sensitive therapist to discuss your feelings.